


Something Familiar

by genericdarklord



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-09 22:19:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 43,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10423026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericdarklord/pseuds/genericdarklord
Summary: No wizard is ever alone. First year students at Hogwarts summon familiars. They forever stand by their summoner's side: loving, loyal and reliable. Well, except for that last part, anyway. When all is said and done, a lot of them are probably even less reliable than their masters.





	1. The Twin Twin Terrors

AKA 

“Foxy Ladies”

 

* * *

 

Harry's mouth dropped open in surprise as he emerged onto Platform 9 3/4.

It had actually happened. He had run through the barrier like it wasn't even there. It may as well have been empty air as far as Harry was concerned. He turned to look at the concrete wall he had just run through, and his mouth fell open even wider.

From this side the barrier _wasn't_ there.

There was a wrought-iron archway behind him. Set in the top of the arch were the words, "Platform Nine and Three-Quarters". And on the other side of the arch, he could see back into the station proper. Businessmen and travelers were simply passing by, completely oblivious to the platform behind the not-wall. He could see every one of them, but none of them even knew he was there. It was amazing! He could-

He could see a young redhead charging the arch, eyes closed as he pushed his loaded trolley with all his might. It was as if he intended to charge through the barrier by virtue of sheer force. He didn't even seem to notice when he crossed into the platform. Far from slowing, he continued to pick up speed despite being past the barrier. His eyes were still closed. He was headed straight for Harry.

 _What kind of an idiot runs around with their eyes shut?_ Harry wondered. He supposed he should try to get out of the way, but he had spent too long looking around. Any chance he had to avoid the eleven-year-old engine of destruction was long gone. He was moving far too fast to avoid. It was painfully obvious that Harry was doomed to take a high-speed trunk to the face. It was probably going to hurt quite a bit.

Luckily, he never found out. A pair of hands grabbed him by the collar and hauled him back. At the same time, a second pair of hands yanked his trunk in the other direction. The one man stampede thundered by, eyes still closed, man and trolley combined into a single unstoppable engine of destruction.

Then the unstoppable engine of destruction stopped.

Watching in fascination, Harry wondered how unlucky a person would have to be to be passing at just that moment. And the worst part? He definitely saw it coming.

The blonde's head turned at the sound of the approaching trolley. Harry vaguely recognized him as the boy with the arrogant sneer from Madam Malkin's. But now the sneer was gone, replaced with a look of shock and horror.

The unstoppable force met the immovable object. The trolleys collided, red's flying into the air with a shower of splinters bursting from a shattered corner. The blond's was driven back, jutting off the trolley and catching him in the crotch and stomach. His eyes bulged in an extremely comical manner. The trunk continued forward, the blonde's mass not nearly sufficient to stop it, and drove him to the ground.

The redhead was pitched over his cart, the force of the collision flipping him over the handle. He shot straight towards the blonde's trolley like an oversized bullet. There was a meaty thud as his face hit the handle. Harry couldn't help but note that the noise had an oddly hollow sound to it. The human projectile continued to follow his low ballistic arc. His close encounter with the trolley had set him spinning, turning him into a sort of flailing human shuriken. He arced rather ungracefully through the air. A girlish shriek echoed across the platform. Then gravity finally defeated momentum and the redhead came down.

He came down face first.

He came down lips first.

On the blond.

Their lips met, driven together by the almighty will of gravity. Horrified screams fought to emerge from their lips. They were muffled, but they could be heard clear across the station. The redhead yanked his head back, and shout to scream something.

At this point gravity decided prove its dominance once again. The blond's trunk came down square on the back of redhead's skull. It drove him back down, slamming him into the blonde's waiting lips.

The trunk tilted to the side and hit the station floor with a thud. The two boys were left laying there, lips still pressed together and completely unconscious.

“Awesome....”  
Harry turned at the voice. It was one of the boys who went through the barrier before him. Red hair, lean build and freckles; Harry would bet his wand that he was related to the kamikaze student. They even had the same shabby robes, though they were in slightly better shape.

He was also wearing a fur draped around his neck.

The robes Harry could handle. The strange colors, frills and poofs that wizards seemed to favor were a bit harder to swallow. Turbans? Yeah, that was quite a bit odder. Especially when they were stuffed with garlic.

But, for some reason, the sight of a teenage boy wearing a gorgeous fur was tripping Harry's “What The Hell” reflex in a way that walking through a concrete wall hadn't.

“That has got to be-” the boy said.

“-the coolest thing-”

Harry spun around. Apparently there were two of them. Identical twins, obviously, and this one was dragging Harry's trunk as he walked towards them.

He was also wearing a fur, Harry noted.

“-that we've ever seen!” they finished together.

Harry stared over his shoulder, then looked down at the hand that was still loosely gripping his collar. “You pulled me out of the way...” he said. He was a little shell-shocked. Not because of the near miss, but because someone had done something to help him. _No one_ cared enough to do something like that for him.

“Well we couldn't very well let you-”

“-get run down by our moron brother.”

Harry stared blankly.

“Yes, I know, I know.”

“It's hard to believe we're related, isn't it?”

“After all, I got all the good looks.”

“You mean _I_ got all the good looks.”

“I'm afraid not, oh brother mine. Just look at the curve of my cheek!”

“Ah, but you have to take into account the set of my eyes, George!”

“But my freckles, Fred! See how they're the perfect distance apart?”

“Ah, but mine are at perfect geometric angles as defined by trans-spacial recursive geometric theory!”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“What? What the heck is that?”

“Honestly, brother, I have no idea. It just kind of popped into my head.”

“Right. Anyway,” the one on the left turned towards Harry. “I'm Weasley. Fred Weasley. I like my hand shaken, not stirred.” he said, holding out his hand.

“And assuming I haven't missed a sudden dimensional transposition anomaly, I'm George Weasley.” the other said, holding his hand out next to his brother's.

Fred glanced sideways at his brother. “You're saying some pretty strange things today, George.”

“.ezag sih htaeneb reffus mohw slatrom eht ot eoW .xonayhtA fo thgim eht erofeb reviuQ .sehcorppa hsiugna fo drol ehT”

Fred blinked. The opened his mouth to speak, paused, and blinked again. Finally he settled with, “Right...”.

A dainty belch escaped George's lips. “Sorry, I think those eggs this morning were a bit off.”

“You _ate_ the eggs? I'd say they looked quite a lot more than 'a bit off', George.”

For some reason Harry felt like he had just lost a few Sanity Points. He didn't know what those were, but he was pretty sure he had less than he'd started the day with. But that didn't really matter at the moment. This was his chance to finally make some friends. With an unsteady smile, he reached out and shook both their hands at the same time. “I'm Harry Potter.”

The twins suddenly leaned forward, studying Harry's face from just a few inches away. “ _The_ Harry Potter?” they asked together.

“I... I think so.” he stammered. “At least... I'm pretty sure there's only one of me... But then again, there's two of you, so I guess there could be more of me...”

Both twins stood up straight, laughing.

“Oh, this one's a winner Fred!”  
“Indeed he is, George!”

“To think that of all people-”

“-we'd save Harry Potter-”

“-from certain doom-”

“-at the hands of our least-favorite sibling!”

“Ginny's going to be pretty upset mom wouldn't even take her through the barrier, Fred!”

“Indeed, George. She's sure to be jealous. Maybe we should get an autograph for her.”

Harry frowned. “I'd... really rather not, if that's okay...” he said.

The twins gave him a pair of curious looks.

The younger boy continued, “It seems like everyone likes me for something I didn't even know I did...”

“Isn't that a good thing?”

“Everyone wants people to like them.”

“But people don't like _me_.” Harry insisted. “They've never even met me. How could they like me? They like the boy-who-lived, not me. I'd rather be just Harry.”

Fred shrugged. It didn't really make much sense to him. But he didn't make much sense to most people, so he supposed it was fair. “Well then, Just Harry it is. Pleasure to meet you, Just Harry. I'm Fred. This is George.”

“So pleased to make your acquaintance, Just Harry!” George added cheerfully.

Fred waved grandiosely before pointing at his fur. “This is Ru,” he said. He pointed at the fur around his brother's neck and continued, “and that's Ri.”

Harry stared. Then he stared some more. He looked up at George's face, then studied Fred's. They seemed serious. He stared at the furs one last time, just to be sure.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. “You... named your furs?”

“Furs?” George asked, confused.

Fred frowned. “Err... brother... we're looking a bit limp there, aren't we?”

“Limp!? I'll have you know I was at full-mast just this-”

“Not you, idiot! Her!” Fred quickly interrupted.

“Now why would Ri be limp? She doesn't even have a...” he trailed off as he looked down at his fur. “Oh. Yes, I think I see the problem now...”

“Really? Because with all the time you've spent 'using the toilet' lately, it's a wonder you're not blind...”

Ignoring his brother, George slid the fur off his shoulders. He held it up in front of his face and gave it a considering look. A slight twitch of his hand sent it swinging. A stronger jerk sent it whipping around in a full circle.   He gave it another long look, then turned to his brother and said, “I think she's asleep. She can't be asleep!”

Fred shrugged and gave his fur an experimental poke. Nothing happened. “I don't see why not.” he said. “We'd sleep all day, if we could get away with it.”

“Exactly! It's not fair!” George complained. “Why should we do all the work, while they sleep all day? Plus, they're making us look crazy.”  
Fred looked affronted. “But that's our job! No one makes us look crazy but us! It's our one true joy in life! The burning passion that gets us through the day! The one bright, shining light of joy in an endless, gray wasteland of discontent and badly overcooked steaks.” he smirked. “Plus, it's kinda fun.”

“Exactly! No one likes overcooked steaks!”

“Especially with cheap barbeque sauce! You've gotta spring for Sweet Baby Ray's!”

“Honey Mesquite or Original?”  
“Smokey.”

“Oh, of course! Smokey! What a fool I've been!”

“'tis alright, brother! There's always time for redemption!”

“Praise be to the sauce!” George screamed, dropping to his knees.

“Praise be to the beef!” Fred shouted as he joined his brother on the ground.

“Steak for the steak god!” they both roared, raising their hands to the sky.

Harry glanced around nervously. To his surprise, no one was really paying attention.

“Yeah, we do this sort of thing a lot.” Fred said as he climbed to his feet. “Mother would be so disappointed in us.”

George stood next to his brother and gave an exaggerated sigh. “I think mother's already disappointed in us brother.”

“What makes you say, that?”

“Well, she was just telling us how disappointed she was. I think she may have been hinting at something.”

“I'm not sure. I think that level of subtlety is just beyond my comprehension.”

“Still, the lack of reaction is a bit disappointing. I think we may have jumped the shark.”

“Umm... what shark?” Harry asked curiously.

“Sorry.” George muttered. “I think those eggs've still got it out for me.”

“Right. Not to change the subject, but I think it's time to change the subject.” Fred proclaimed. “What were we talking about?”

Harry wordlessly pointed at the fur still dangling from George's hand.

“Right! Hey, lazy! Time to wake up!” he exclaimed, giving the fur a little shake. “If you don't wake up now, I'm sending you of to the glue factory!”

“That's horses, brother.”

“Fine. I'll put you out to pasture!”

“Also horses.”

“I'll put you up for stud!”

“Still horses. Also, that's a good thing.”

“I'll send you to the coal mines!”  
“Children.”

George turned to glare at his brother. “Not funny, Fred. Not funny.”

“I thought it was funny. Anyway, lets try this.” Fred cleared his throat, and in a theatrically loud voice said, “Oh no, George! We don't have enough chocolate frogs for everybody! I think we should eat all these Chocolate Frogs ourselves!”

Catching on immediately, George responded, “But Fred! We should share these Chocolate Frogs! Surely it would be too cruel to eat these Chocolate Frogs ourselves!”

“You're right! These Chocolate Frogs are so good that I can't help myself!” Fred dramatically held his hand out to his brother. “Here! Take this chocolate frog in my hand before I eat it!”

Harry blinked. George blinked. Fred blinked.

Harry caught himself staring again. There was a small silver and snow white fox hanging from Fred's hand.

“Well, that worked a little too well, I'd say.” George declared. Somehow Harry wasn't surprised to see an identical fox perched on his shoulder.

 _They were foxes. They were wearing live foxes like scarves._ He thought dimly.

“That hurts, you know.” Fred snapped at the fox.

The small creature opened its mouth and dropped to the ground. It looked around curiously, swishing its tail to and fro. Having surveyed its surroundings, it whirled around to stare at Fred expectantly.

“You do, of course, realize that there are no chocolate frogs?” muttered Fred. He was gingerly rubbing his hand.

The fox glared at him, its tail twitching in annoyance.

“Oh, don't look at me like that. This would've never happened if you weren't so lazy.”

The fox continued to glare.

“Please, try not to weigh yourself down with pointless questions. How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Where are my chocolate frogs?” He threw his arms open dramatically. “The world may never know!”

The fox glared even harder. Harry got the distinct impression that it was trying to fire lasers out of its eyes.

“Look, there's no chocolate frogs. It's as simple as that. If I had chocolate frogs, I'd share them with you. But I don't. Because there are no chocolate frogs. You could even say the Chocolate Frogs are a-”

“Don't drag an old nag outta the glue factory just so you can hit her a few more times. We have standards.”

“Since when? Anyway... I'm sorry. I was just trying to make you get up.”

The fox slumped to the ground. Its body went slack, its ears tilted back, its whiskers drooped and its tail stopped moving entirely. It looked absolutely pathetic. For a moment Harry forgot that foxes were potentially dangerous wild animals. He very badly wanted to give it a hug.

Fred stood firm. He was a man. He was a strong wizard. A placid pool. A mighty rock forever resisting the ebb and flow of the ocean.

He lasted 4.72 seconds.

“Fine. Look, I can probably bum some off the guys. And we've got some old experiments that we could probably sucker someone into buying. I'll get some frogs, okay?” he said with a deep sigh.

The fox was on its feet in an instant. One moment it was laying on the ground, one of the most pathetic sights Harry had ever seen. The next it was twining around Fred's ankles like a cat.

Harry watched in fascination. _Is that how foxes act?_

“Right! Now that Fred's been thoroughly pu-” The fox on his shoulders cuffed George upside the head. “Ah, now that Fred has been thoroughly whipped-” He paused and cringed a bit. A few seconds went by, but he went unpunished. “As I was saying, now that Fred's been thoroughly whi-”

SMACK

“Oh come on! Seriously, you just let me say it!”

_Is that how foxes act?_

A faint snickering caught his attention. Turning, he discovered that the noise wasn't coming from Fred, but the fox now sitting proudly on his head.

_Is that how fox- You know what? Screw it._

“It looks like you're both pretty whipped.” Harry muttered.

Two young wizards and two little foxes froze.

Harry realized what had happened. He didn't even really know where the words had come from. They had just kind of slipped out. It had been a horrible mistake. That sort of thing wasn't how you made friends, it was how you made people hate you. So much for his good first impression...

A strange look came over the other wizard's faces. Too quick for Harry to react, they longed forward. It looked like he had messed up even worse than he'd feared.

_This is it. It's Dudley all over again._

A thin arm whipped around his neck, bending him over and holding him in a loose headlock. The twin holding him was enthusiastically rubbing his head. The other twin seemed to be thumping him on the back. It was a good, solid whack, but it wasn't painful at all.

And they were both laughing.

Harry was confused. He was very confused. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. People don't laugh when you say something like that to them. They don't give you a few good natured smacks. They beat you into the ground. They throw you down and stomp on you until you beg for mercy. They don't do... whatever this was.

“Did you hear that, Fred?” George spun about, hauling Harry around to face his brother.

Fred nodded sagely. “Indeed I did... err.. George? You seem to have a little something right around here.” He pointed to his chest.

Looking down and stared at Harry. There was an expression of surprise on his face, as if he had no idea the other boy was there. “Why Harry, what ever are you doing down there? That's a very odd person for a place like you to be, you know!”

It was pretty much impossible to talk with your face shoved into someone's side, so Harry settled for weakly tapping George's arm a few times.

“Oh, how I bury my face in shame!” he exclaimed in mock horror. He released Harry to... well... bury his face in his hands. In shame, presumably.“What was I thinking? Mother will be so ashamed?”

“Brother? Already ashamed, remember?”

“Right! Maternal shame and heart-breaking disappointment aside... Harry, allow us to introduce our familiars. This is Ri,” George pointed to the fox that was somehow still sitting primly on his head. “and that's Ru.”

Both foxes growled.

“George, are you daft? This is Ri and yours is Ru!”

The foxes growled again. The twins stared at them blankly, then exchanged confused looks.

“Ah, maybe they're both Ru?”

“No, I think they're both Ri...”

“Mine might be Bob...” SMACK! George took a paw to the face. Again. “Ow! Dammit, no claws!” SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

Somewhere in the back of Harry's mind, he heard a voice yelling, “C-c-c-combo!”. He tried to remember if he had eaten eggs for breakfast. The morning was such a blur of apprehension and excitement that he couldn't remember.

“Right, we're pretty sure we have some combination of Ri and Ru numbering anywhere between zero and two each. We might also have a B-” Fred winced as the fox at his feet looked up and growled. “-eautiful pair of foxes.” he smoothly continued.

“Girls, say hello to Just Harry.” George gestured at the younger wizard. “Savior of the wizarding world! Slayer of the dark lord! Hero of 730,000 fanfiction stories! Taunter of British knights! Petter of kittens and feeder of puppies!”

“George... what's fanfiction?” Fred asked curiously.

“I... don't really know. It just kind of slipped out.” George muttered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “It's gotta be the eggs again. I must have some sort of allergy.”

“I'm pretty sure that's not how allergies w-”

“Meet Just Harry, girls!”

The fox on George's head launched through the air, landing neatly on Harry's right shoulder. The other fox shot towards his legs. It bounced and somehow managed to whirl up his body. He could feel its claws just barely pressing into his flesh as it climbed. Reaching the top of his chest, it neatly seated itself on the opposite side of his head.

Harry serenely decided that this was the weirdest day of his life. He was also glad the foxes were so small and light. This would have been uncomfortable otherwise.

“Um...” he began slowly. “Hello, some combination of Ri and / or Ru? I'm probably _the_ Harry Potter. I might just be _a_ Harry Potter, if there's another one around. Either way, I'm pleased to meet you.”

George began laughing again. “Oh, I like this one! Can we keep him? Can we?”

“Now brother, you know what happened to the last first-year you abduct- took home...”

“In my defense, how was I supposed to know they had to eat?”

Both twins lowered their heads. “Tragic...” they intoned.

Harry cautiously raised a hand towards his right shoulder. He thought that petting a fox would be really cool, but wasn't sure if it was safe. The fox answered his question by shoving her face against his hand. She was very soft, which kind of surprised Harry. He thought foxes were supposed to have wiry fur. Maybe it was some kind of magic fox?

“They're very pretty.” he said softly.

“Oh, he's smooth....” one of the twins muttered. Harry didn't know which one it was, but Harry was willing to bet he was smirking.

“Indeed he is. The ladies'll love this one.” Yeah, they were definitely smirking.

Harry decided to ignore them.

Harry examined the fox leaning into his hand, marveling at how small and dainty she was. Harry had seen foxes a few times. His aunt occasionally liked to watch animal documentaries. Harry thought it was because she actually liked animals, but couldn't have one because Vernon thought they were all filthy beasts. Harry had always found that to be a bit odd. Vernon seemed just fine with his sister's dogs, and they were the very definition of 'filthy beast'.

 _Disgusting and violent._ he thought, remembering the scars on his leg.

But this fox wasn't anything like the ones he had seen on TV. Even sitting on his shoulder, she barely came up to the top of his head. She actually fell a bit short if you didn't count her ears. Her body was covered in fur so soft it could almost be described as downy. Most her coat was a flawless onyx black. She had white markings on her face and the tips of her ears. Similar splotches of white covered her front paws. Her tail, like her body, was long and thin. It had a slight poof to it, just enough to give it a bit of volume. About two-thirds of the way down it suddenly changed from black to white.

He glanced the other way and thought, _They must be twins too._

The fox on his other shoulder was an exact duplicate of the one he was petting. He could see how the twins would have trouble telling them apart. She even had the same silver eyes.

She was staring, Harry realized. She was staring at something very intently. Harry followed her gaze down.

She was staring at his free hand.

“Um... do you want me to pet you too?”

She nodded.

Harry decided that the word 'weird' didn't even describe today. He'd have to invent a new word just to describe how messed up the things that were happening to him were.

Vacso had a nice right to it.

Harry raised his other hand, reached across his chest and began rubbing the other fox on its head. He now had both arms raised, reaching around to the opposite shoulder. He couldn't see anything because his forearms were crossed in front of his eyes. His right elbow was digging uncomfortably into the crook of his left arm. His shoulders were quickly getting tired. His neck had just made an odd popping noise that didn't sound in the least bit healthy.

He was also suffering from mild indigestion, but he didn't think that was because of the foxes. It was more likely from dealing with the twins.

“Are you... umm... Ru?” he asked the fox on his right shoulder.

She shook her head.

“Then you're Ri?”

She nodded.

Turning to other fox (a somewhat awkward maneuver at this point), he queried, “Then you must be Ru, right?”

She turned and shoved her nose against his ear. It was wet and very, very cold. He gave a surprised squeak and nearly fell over.

“You could have just nodded!”

She very deliberately stuck her tongue out at him.

“Hey now!”

Harry started at the sudden shout. The twins, who had been discussing his future conquests (who was McGonagall, and why did Fred turn green?), were now staring at him intently.

“You can't just tell him!”

Both foxes flicked their tails. Ru stretched up to lean over Harry's hand and stuck her tongue out. She seemed to like doing that.

“That's not fair!” George whined. “You can't just tell him because he asked! You don't tell us! You always just whack us until we get it right! Half the time you run around and bounce all over each other to make it harder!”

“Uh... have we ever actually just asked?”

“What? Of course we have!”

“When?”

“We did just last... uh... there was that time we.. and then...”

There was a long pause. Harry shuffled uncomfortably.

“So...” he said, desperate to break the silence. “why do you have foxes?”

“What do you mean, Harry?”

“As we said, they're our familiars!”

Harry thought for a moment. He thought really, really hard. From the way they said it, the word was important. If he asked about it, they'd probably think he was a moron. They'd probably hate him for being so stupid. They'd-

Screw it. This day had already been thoroughly vasco'd anyway.

Four pairs of eyes stared at him in shock.

“What do you mean, 'what's a familiar'?” George cried.

Fred joined him. “Didn't they teach you anything?”

Even the fox twins were looking at him, heads tilted. Ru gave a faint whine.

 _Wonderful. I'm an idiot._ Harry decided. “I was raised by muggles. I only just found out that I'm a wizard...”

“But they knew about the magical world, right?”

Harry nodded.

“And you don't know about something so important?”

Harry nodded again.

“Then what _did_ they teach you?”

“Nothing, really. They didn't like magic very much.” Harry muttered.

The twins looked at each other. The foxes looked at each other. The twins looked at the foxes. Ri looked at George. George looked at Ru. She looked at Fred. Fred looked back at George. George looked at Fred, Ri and Ru. They all returned the look. George looked at the Truth.

Harry was getting dizzy.

George burped again. It smelled like old eggs.

“But I like my limbs!” he exclaimed. “And my brother!”

Everyone else ignored him. Those eggs must have been seriously tainted.

“Look, Harry,” Fred said gently, pushing his brother aside. The other boy was still seriously zoned out. Harry was pretty sure he was muttering about how the color purple tasted. “Familiars are very, very important. For most wizards, the only thing as important as their familiar is their soul mate.”

Harry caught himself staring yet again. Fred was being serious. Very serious. All traces of mirth and mischief were gone from his voice. Harry had only known the twins for a few minutes, but the change was almost disturbing. It was like a rabid hyena kindly buying a starving man dinner.

“A familiar is linked to their wizard by the Familiar Bond. They are always faithful to their master. They will never hurt or betray them. They will always be there for them. They will always love them. No matter what happens in life, no matter how badly things go to hell, they will always be there.”

Harry stared in wonder. His hands were shaking. His heart ached. This sounded exactly like what he wanted. This was what he was hoping for, but didn't really expect to find. Someone, _something_ that would care about him. Sure, Fred and George had foxes, but they seemed like great companions. Better than most people Harry had met.

“Plus, they make great doormats!” Fred proclaimed, grinning.

The weight vanished from Harry's shoulders. Twin foxes were bounding through the air, furry white bullets on a collision course with Fred's head.

Fred's eyes widened in horror. He began to raise his hands, desperate to defend himself. He screamed, “Not the fa-”

They slammed into his face. The two living missiles hit with incredible force, tilting him back and knocking him off his feet. Fred hit the ground hard, whirling mass of angry fangs and claws still attached to his face.

Harry watched in awe. How was it possible for such small, light creatures to lift a teenage boy off his feet? Actually, the real question was, “Is that alright?”

“Don't worry about it.” George said. “This happens all the time. I'm pretty sure we've built up a resistance to facial disfigurement.”

“Is that even possible?”

The older boy shrugged. “I sure hope so. If it's not... well, I guess some girls are into scars, right?” He stared at Harry's forehead. “Either way, I think you've got me beat.”

Harry shuffled a bit. He hated it when people stared at his scar. Still, that wasn't important right now.

“Can anyone have a... familiar?” he asked hopefully.

“Are you kidding? Ack! That's my nose!” Fred yelled from the ground. “Every wizard has a – Ouch! Stay away from the eyes, you crazy bi- Agh! I need that ear!”

“Yeah... losing an ear would suck.” George muttered. “What my brother is trying to say – protect your crotch, Fred – is that all wizards have familiars.”

“Get away! Foxes don't eat nuts!”

Harry winced. Those teeth looked really sharp. “So, everyone has them?”

“Sure. Heck, just take a look around.”

Harry did exactly that, and was left with his jaw hanging open. He had been so focused on the twins and their foxes that somehow he hadn't noticed.

Cats, dogs, mice, owls... they were everywhere. Almost everyone had some sort of animal close by. He saw a snake wrapped around a young boy's arm. Over there, a fat toad was peeking out of another boy's pocket. A boy with a tarantula on his head approached a group of girls on the other side of the platform. A large black bird launched towards the boy, causing him to dart to the side with a squawk. When he dodged, he slammed into an absolutely massive dog. The dog didn't even seem to notice. It just continued the push around a little Shih Tzu with its nose. The smaller dog looked like it was having a blast.

It was a zoo in here. Literally.

Harry turned back to the twins. Fred was on his feet again, a fox still hanging from his ear. The other was held tightly under his arm. “So, they're not all foxes? There's cats and dogs and stuff, too?”

“Yeah, and stuff that's none of the above.” answered Fred. He was making a valiant attempt to pry open one fox's jaws without releasing the other. “It wouldn't make much sense for everyone to have the same familiar, would it?”

“Your familiar is based on... well.. you. No one's really sure how it works, but the spell calls them from... err... somewhere else. You get... something... suited to you.” George seemed to be having a bit of trouble with words.

Harry looked back and forth between the twins. They seemed serious. “So basically, you use some spell that somehow summons something from somewhere?”

“Yes! Exactly!” Both twins exclaimed. Fred seemed to be having very little luck getting the fox off his ear. Harry was pretty sure it was the one they had called Ri.

“Um... okay...” Harry felt the headache coming back. “Is the spell hard to learn?”

“Nah. You don't really do the spell at all. It's ritual magic. No one really uses that sort of thing anymore, but I guess there's just no way to turn it into a normal spell. All you have to do is feed it some magic. The ritual does the rest.” George explained. He was watching his brother wrestle with Ri, a look of amusement on his face.

He didn't seem to notice that Ru had slipped out from under the Fred's arm. She was quietly slinking to the side, moving around the twins in a wide circle.

“And do they all try to kill you?” Harry asked apprehensively.

“Nah, only the awesome ones. You see anyone else trying to pry something off their ear?” Fred dropped his hands, apparently giving up. “Like I said, it's based on you. Dodge George.”

George skipped to the side, narrowly avoiding Ru's pounce. At the same time, Fred ducked and twisted. The move sent Ri whipping around. The two foxes met in midair with a soft thump. Ru's momentum knocked her sister off Fred's ear and carried them both to the floor.

The foxes quickly rolled to their feet. George took up a position to Fred's left and braced himself. Fred cracked his knuckles menacingly, while Ri scraped her claws across the floor. Two sets of twins stared intently, waiting for the other pair to make the first move.

It was a classic Mexican standoff. Neither side could make a move without potentially exposing themselves. Neither side could back down without looking like pathetic wusses. Harry could practically hear the cheesy Western music in the background. It was so intense, he swore he could almost see a tumbleweed blowing across the platform.

Wait. That was a tumbleweed. There was an actual tumbleweed blowing across the train platform.

“You know, we could keep this up. You two could just keep on chewing on Fred's face until we had to board.” one of the twins said conversationally.

“Hey! First of all, what the heck? Second of all, you're Fred!”

“I am not!”

“You are! Look, your ear's bleeding and everything!”

“'tis but a scratch. I've had worse.”

“Well, if you're George, how did that happen?”

“Right. That's enough arguing about who chewed on who. All these questions about who deserves to get mauled are just clouding the issue. After all, all those terrible things you said about our beautiful familiars aren't really important right now.”

The foxes growled softly. One was staring at George's face, the other at his crotch.

“You'll pay for this....” muttered George.

“The point is, giving Fred his just deserts doesn't benefit any of us.”

“...”

“Why, even if you chewed both ears off his head,” Fred raised a hand to his ear, coincidentally covering the shallow wound there. “it would hardly be punishment enough.”

“Really? I mean... just... really?”

“And in the end, you'd be the ones to suffer. Because there'd be no Chocolate Frogs.” Fred shook his head sadly.

The growls cut off. Both foxes froze, horrified looks on their faces.

“He's right, you know. He may be an utter bastard that deserves to be punched in the bollocks... He _is_ an utter bastard that _will_ be punched in the bollocks _repeatedly_ in the _very_ near future, but he's right.”

Fred was starting to look a little nervous.

George gave his brother a sweet smile and continued. “If my brother were to suffer a _catastrophic_ injury, if he were to suffer _agonizing_ pain, he wouldn't be able to find you some frogs.”

The other twin was starting to look a little pale.

“Now, _when_ he suffers massive trauma to _very_ sensitive parts, I'll be forced to look after him. He is my _very dear_ brother, whom I would _never_ try to sell out so I could avoid the consequences of my own actions. That of course means that I'll be so busy caring for my poor _crippled_ brother that I won't be able to acquire some frogs.”

George sighed sadly and wiped an imaginary tear from the corner of his eyes. The foxes were giving Fred a very cold, annoyed look. Fred himself was slowly backing away from his brother with both hands over his crotch.

“So, wouldn't it be better calling it even? You got a few good bites in, and Fred will eventually suffer pain on a scale that can not be properly expressed in human language.”

“Ah, George... about that...”

“Oh, calm down, Fred.” George said, patting his brother on the shoulder reassuringly. “If you look at your whole life, something like that is bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just saying it's probably not going to be later.”

“Um... yeah...”

“So I think calling this fight off is best for all parties involved. Except Fred. Agreed?”

The foxes turned toward each other, silently conferring.

The twins watched carefully. Their legs were slightly bent, their bodies poised for action. Fred was still shielding his crotch, though it wasn't obvious if he was trying to protect himself from the familiars or his brother at this point.

Ri and Ru came to an agreement. They turned and lunged forward so fast they were little more than white streaks. One of the small foxes leaped at Fred's leg, sinking her claws in and scrambling up to his shoulder. The other bounced off Harry's trunk, executed a perfect double flip with a half pike, and landed gracefully on George.

Fred's fox began carefully licking his injured ear.

Both of the wizard twins breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well,” George said, “that ended well for almost everyone involved.”

Fred warily eyed his brother as he stroked Ri's back. At least, she might have been Ri. It was equally possible that it was Ru. To be honest, Harry wasn't really clear on which fox belonged to which boy. He wasn't even sure the foxes belonged to the boys at all. It could have easily been the other way around.

Not that he was paying much attention. He was a little preoccupied.

“...” Harry said.

“What was that?” asked George.

“...” Harry repeated.

“Harry, you okay mate?” Fred asked, concerned.

Harry muttered something.

“What was that?”

“I think he said, 'tumbleweed'.”

Fred looked around, quickly spotting the rolling bush. “Oh, so there is. What about it, Harry?”

Harry whined, “W-why?” It sounded pretty pathetic.

“Oh, I think I get it. Relax, Harry. There's a perfectly rational explanation.”

“...?” Harry asked.

“Indeed. The train brings them in.”

Harry's face appeared to be stuck in a horrifying half grimace. It was starting to freak the twins out, wizards and foxes alike.

“Uh... yeah...” Fred said in what he hoped was a comforting tone of voice. “See, sometimes tumbleweeds get stuck on the Express. Then it drags them along. When it gets to the station, they fall off. Then they kind of blow around, 'cuz that’s what they do. See? Perfectly reasonable.”

Harry blankly gazed through George. Not at him, through him. It was as if he was looking at something fifty feet behind George's face. The redheads were pretty sure that wasn't a good sign.

“scotland” Harry protested.

“What was that, Harry!”

“The train goes to Scotland.”

“Yeah, that's right. Hogwarts is in Scotland. The train goes to Hogwarts. So the train goes to Scotland to get there.” said Fred. He spoke very slowly, as if explaining something to a small child.

“THERE ARE NO TUMBLEWEEDS IN SCOTLAND!” Harry screamed. He slumped heavily to the ground. The poor kid. His reality check had just come back with the words “Insufficient Funds” stamped on it..

A bell rang, drowning out the sounds of the busy platform.

“Oh! Look at that! The boarding bell! Looks like we better get on the train, eh Fred?” George proclaimed, relief evident in his voice.

“Right you are! Come along, Harry!” responded Fred. He grabbed Harry by the back of his shirt and began dragging him towards the train.

“Don't worry, Harry! I've got your trunk!” exclaimed the other twin.

The twin headed for the train, dragging both Harry and his trolley in their wake. As they passed the crumpled forms of Ron and Draco, George suddenly stopped.

“Wait a minute George!” he shouted. “We can't just get on the train!”

“Why not? It's about to leave. And little Harry isn't looking too good. Might be best to get him somewhere he can have a good rest.”

“Ron, George. We have a little brother, remember?”

“Unfortunately I do. And here I had just managed to forget.” George frowned. “Don't worry about it. Mum will take care of it.”

“She can't. She had do something, remember? She seemed to be pretty wound up about something. Didn't even come through the barrier... Something about a 'horrible abomination'...”

 

* * *

 

Molly stared at the frying pan, wand out and ready. The frying pan stared back. She silently swore that she would respect 'use by' dates in the future. It just wasn't worth the hassle to save a bit of money.

She lunged forward. The yellow and white mess in the frying pan screamed a battle-cry.

 

* * *

 

“Oh dear. I do seem to remember something of the sort. Yes, we'd better take care of them, hadn't we?” He gently set Harry on the ground and strode towards the comatose boys.

The second warning bell rang, prompting the twins to turn from their work. Fred quickly reclaimed Harry's trolley, while Fred tossed the small boy over his shoulder.

“Murgle.” said Harry.

“Is... is he going to be okay?”

“I certainly hope so. I don't want to be responsible for breaking the boy-who-lived-and-defeated-the-dark-lord-but-went-nuts-because-he-saw-a-tumbleweed-and-is-now-drooling-on-my-back.”

“Yes, I suppose that would be pretty bad for our reputation.”

“Yes, we'd be the-horrible-redheaded-twins-who-broke-the-boy-who-li-”

“I'm pretty sure I get the idea. No need to drive the joke into the ground.”

“Have you ever wondered why we like hyphens so much?”

“I always assumed it was because hyphens are just incredible. Everyone loves a good hyphen.”

George shrugged. “Well, brother of mine, here's hoping for another entertaining year.” He said cheerfully. He threw his free arm over his brother's shoulders.

“Indeed.” Fred agreed. “Ah, George? You know that whole bit earlier? You do know I was just kidding around, right?”

“Of course! Why, what sort of a fool do you take me for?”

“So... you do realize that there's no need for any sort of embarrassing and potentially painful payback, right?”

“Oh, brother, sometimes you say the funniest things...”

The arm around Fred's neck tightened noticeably.

“The funniest things....” muttered George ominously.


	2. He Is The Candyman

 

AKA

“Wizards Hate Their Children”

 

* * *

 

“What the heck should we do about this, Fred?”

Harry was giggling and mumbling incoherently. There was a faint trail of drool running down his cheek. His right eye was twitching every three and a half seconds. That same eye was watching Fred, intently following his every move. The other eye was staring blankly at the far wall.

His hand was moving, absently stroking the fox laying in his lap. George was pretty sure he was just doing it reflexively. He certainly didn't seem to know she was there. The second fox was laying on the back of his seat, tail curled protectively around his neck. Occasionally she'd turn and give his ear a little lick, eliciting a faint giggle from him.

“We could track down a prefect. I bet there's a few Ravenclaws that could help out here.”

“Ha. Nothing the birdbrains like more than knowing something no one else does, then making sure everyone else knows it. This'll be all over the train before Harry wipes the drool off his chin.”

“Right you are, brother. Lil' ol' Harry's gonna have enough trouble with that kinda stuff as it is.”

“No need for anyone to know he went around the bend for a bit.”

The two foxes nodded in agreement.

“The question remains: what should we do?”

“Should we hide him here until we get to Hogwarts? He might just snap out of it on the way.”

“NARF!” Harry exclaimed, lifting the hand the that wasn't petting Ru high into the air. One eye continued to follow Fred, while the other locked onto George. The problem was that he was following each brother with the wrong eye. It gave him a bizarre cross-eyed look.

“Yes Harry, of course. Narf to you as well.” Fred said soothingly. He nodded at George and the two quickly traded places. Harry's eyes followed them, uncrossing and staring more or less straight ahead.

“Be a shame if he doesn't the to enjoy the ride. When else do you get to do whatever the heck you want with no one to answer to?”  
“We answer to the prefects, Fred. Remember?”

The pair stared at each other for a long moment. George cracked first, giggling slightly. This set both of them off, and soon they were both laughing hysterically.

“We answer to the prefects!” Fred howled. “Oh Merlin, for a minute there I thought you were actually serious...”

“I can't believe I actually managed to say that with a straight face.” George snickered.

“Anal Bum Cover for $400, Alex!” Harry yelled.

This immediately brought their laughter to an end. Fred sighed and shook his head. “Not even for that price, Harry.” he muttered.

“Maybe we should just leave him like this. He did call us whipped.” George chuckled. An intense shiver ran down his spine. He turned away from his brother and discovered both familiars staring at him intently. Their eyes held the promise of pain and bloodshed.

“He's kidding, of course.” soothed Fred. He was making what he hoped was a placating gesture with his hands. “A firstie calling us whipped? That was pretty damn funny. “

George was slowly backing towards the door. “Yeah, imagine saying something like that to _us_. They're supposed to be peeing their pants in fear.”

This seemed like enough to calm the foxes. They went back to soothing the disturbed boy. Ru, however, kept one eye on their human counterparts.

“We can't get help, we don't wanna leave him like this. What do we do?”

“Well, there is one thing I suppose we could try.”

“And that is?”

“Bio-Dome!” Harry screamed.

“Exactly! We could swing both ways. Wait, what?”

“Viva~ los bio-dome~!” Harry sang out.

“Look, like I just told Harry....”

“That's not what I was gonna say! Can we please skip the comedy routine until we fix the drooling madman?”

“That might be best. The foxes are looking a bit annoyed.”

The madman declared, “Your _mom's_ a fox!”

“Sorry, Harry. You're a bit off base there.”

“I don't think he can even see the base from where he's standing.”

“That's probably because it ran screaming when it saw mum.”

“And I'm guessing that was just first base. Imagine how third must feel...”

“Oh god! I just the thought of... ” He made a gagging noise. It didn't sound faked.

“Don't go there. I was found in a cabbage patch. Mum and dad went for a nice picnic, then came around and dug me right up. Then they drove home with me in a little basket.”

“Really? A stork delivered me. They picked me out of a catalog.”

“Huh. Go figure.”

“They're glaring at us again, aren't they.”

“Not sure. Too afraid to look.”

“We should really do something about this. I feel like I'm in serious danger of loosing my face.”

“I like my face. Faces are good. Without my face, my head would just be a skull.”

“We should probably fix Harry then.” Fred stated. “So, how do we do that?”

George rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well, this is the same thing that happened to King, right? The muggleitosisitis thing?”

“I'm pretty sure that's not what it's actually called. Actually, I'm certain that isn't even close.”

“Does it really matter what it's called?” George sighed. “You know what I mean. The weird freak-out thing that some of the muggleborn get.”

Fred nodded. “Seems like. I can't think of another reason for a person to go all wonky over a perfectly normal tumbleweed. It wasn't even one of the singing ones.”

“I guess it makes sense. Imagine if someone suddenly told you that up was down and down was a banana parfait. You'd probably go a little wonky.”

“Yeah, I get that. But a tumbleweed?”

“Just the straw that broke the camel's back, I guess.”

“You can't break a camel's back with a straw, George. Even if the straw was really big, it'd still be too light and floppy.”

“No, brother, the camel isn't getting hit with the straw. He's carrying it.”

“Well that's just silly. Why would a camel be carrying a straw? It's not like they can drink through them...”

“I don't think this is helping Harry at all, you know...”

“Don't be so sure, brother! What if we found a really big straw, then hit Harry with it!”

“...”

“Well?”

“I'm really ashamed to admit that I actually considered that for a moment...”  
“You did? Really?” Fred asked, sounding highly amused.

“Just shut it! Focus. What did we do when this happened to King?”

“We hit him.”

“I swear to Merlin, if you say anything about a giant straw....”

“No. No giant straws. We just hit him.”

“Oh, right. We spent our first night in the hospital wing having our hands fixed. Seriously, why would _you_ hit him after _I_ broke my hand?”

“I thought maybe you just didn't know how to punch someone. How was I supposed to know he just didn't know how to _be_ punched?”

“And despite our pain, it didn't seem to do any good. So we're back to square one.”

Fred studied Harry thoughtfully. “Maybe not. I'm pretty sure King didn't even notice when we hit him. How can you shock someone out of their crazy if they don't even notice you?”

“So you're saying that it might work better with Harry...” George muttered.

“Maybe. Couldn't hurt to try.”

“You know, I rather distinctly remember you saying that mere moments before my hand broke.”  
“Well, I think we're pretty sure Harry's face isn't made out of bone-shattering pain.”

“How sure is pretty sure?”

“I'd avoid using your 'using the toilet' hand, just in case.”

The twins turned as one to examine Harry. At some point, probably around 'Anal Bum Cover', he had slid over sideways. He was now half lying on his side, with his bum on the seat and his feet still planted on the floor. Saying that it looked uncomfortable was a considerable understatement. Ri was sprawled out across him, while Ru was curled up in front of his stomach.

They were watching the twins. Neither fox looked very happy.

George gave a sickly little giggle. “Now girls... you know we're doing this for his own good...”

“We're just going to give him a little smack to fix... err... hopefully fix him.” continued Fred.

Ru reached out and smacked Harry's face with her paw. It was a surprisingly powerful blow for a one pound quadruped. Unfortunately, that wasn't really saying much.

Harry giggled a little when the paw hit his face. The strike had not other effect.

“See? You should just let us-”

A small, furry cannonball launched upwards. It just barely brushed the ceiling at the top of its arc. The projectile unfolded as it fell, revealing Ri's tiny form. She plummeted straight down and smashed into Harry's face.

He giggled again.

“Yeah... It might be best if-”

The furry twins stood on their hind legs and began rapidly pummeling Harry with their paws.

“I'm pretty sure this is gonna be worse than just letting us belt him one!”

The foxes both turned to glare at George.

“Right. Carry on. We'll just be over here if you need us.”

The furry twins grabbed the back of his collar. Digging their claws into the seat, they began hauling him upright. After several minutes of struggling they finally had him sitting again. Ru dug her feet into the seat and sank her fangs into his collar, preventing him from slumping over again. Ri, on the other hand, began running around the compartment. After the first few laps, she was going fast enough the she was changing direction by ricocheting off the walls.

“Fred, you don't think she's...”

“I'm pretty sure she is, George.”

Ri hit the left wall, roughly level with Harry's head. She began to flex her legs.

“You should probably just let us-”

Ru released Harry. He began to tilt forward, pitching out of the seat. He hadn't even fallen a few inches when Ri struck. She blasted away from the wall at an impressive speed. Whirling around in midair, she slammed into the side of Harry's head with all four paws.

The impact lifted Harry clear off the bench and slammed the side of his head into the closed window. He slumped bonelessly across the seat, still giggling and mumbling.

“ _Pretty_ birdies! Tweet tweet!” He tittered. “I _like_ pretty birdies!”

The foxes looked at their wizards with a complementary pair of sheepish looks.

“Okay... So... Now he's not just insane, you also managed to knock him senseless.”

“At least he's not hitting on mum now.” George muttered.

“Not only did that not work, but it was way worse than what we were gonna do.” Fred said sternly. “When he asks about the paw-shaped bruises, I'm sending him straight to you.”

“Yeah. We're supposed to give him a little shock, not take his head off his shoulders.” George added.

Ri and Ru turned to examine each other. The twins knew there was some sort of silent communication going on, but they had yet to figure out a way to listen in on it. It drove them crazy. They did the same thing to other people, though, so it was nothing they didn't deserve.

Ru nodded, and both foxes started yanking the boy upright again.

“Hey now-” George started, only to be cut off by a hand on his shoulder.

“Take it easy George. I'm sure they know what they're doing. Maybe it'll work the second time.”

“Fred...”

“No, no, I'm telling you, it's okay. It's not like he doesn't have another cheek.”

“You're not just saying that because the look on his face was hilarious, are you?”

“Not at all. But it was pretty funny, wasn't it?”

“Yeah, it really was. Maybe we should let them try again...”

They both settled in to watch the foxes. No one ever said hanging out with them was a healthy decision.

Finally propping Harry back up, the furry sisters hopped down onto his shoulders. They peered at each other over his head and began bobbing their heads in time.

“Are they counting?”

“Oh no... anything but that...”

The girls suddenly dropped down and shoved their noses into Harry's ears at the exact same time. There was an audible squishing sound as they violated the young wizard's auditory organs.

He let out a squeal like a wounded pig, shooting out of his seat. Both foxes were unceremoniously dumped to the floor. Harry hopped around while wildly rubbing at his ears for several seconds. Suddenly he stopped bouncing around, threw his head back and shouted, “ _What the vasco!?_ ” at the ceiling.

“So. He's back to normal...ish... I think...” George announced, not really seeming too sure about it.

Fred shook his head. “It's kinda scary this is his 'normal'. To think that people say _we_ have issues.”

“IKR...”

“What?”

“You deaf all of a sudden? I said, 'Yeah, you're right'. I was agreeing with you.”

“That isn't what you said, George. You said something totally different.”

“No I didn't.”

“You did. You said, 'eyekayarr'. What the heck is an eyekayarr, George?”

Shaking his head, Harry looked around blearily. He had no idea where he was. It looked like some sort of room. With seats. It was definitely a room with seats. At least now he knew he wasn't in a room with no seats. He felt determining this was definitely an accomplishment. It wouldn't do to be in a room with no seats and think you were a room with seats. That would be very embarrassing.

The twins were standing on the other side of the room with seats. They seemed to be arguing about something. So he was in a room with seats and a pair of arguing twins. He was on a roll! All he had to do now was find some foxes. He felt he'd have a solid assessment of the situation, if only he could find some foxes. Two would be nice, but he wasn't feeling picky. Four and a half would be almost as good.

Ri scrambled up his chest, seating herself on his shoulder. Ru hoofed it (clawed it?) up his back and took up residence on the other side. Room with seats, arguing twins and foxes it was. Harry looked back and forth between them. He was pretty sure they were foxes. Around 87% sure, with a 93% margin for error. That meant he was three for... the number that was the same as three...

 _Score._ Harry though. _I should get a job as a forensic scientist. I could use my powers for good, and spend all day forensicing. I already have the glasses. No one would ever know I'm me._

The girls took note of Harry's unfocused, confused look. They exchanged concerned glances, then gave foxy shrugs. Two noses were pulled back in preparation.

“I'm telling you, I know what I heard. I'm starting to get worried over here.”

“And _I'm_ telling _you_. I have no idea-”

“ _Gyark! Why!?_ ” Harry screamed, effectively ending the twins' argument. “What the where now?” He looked around in a panic. Fred and George were over by the door. The foxes were obviously on his shoulders. Either that, or some other creature with tiny, sharp claws had decided he was a good resting place. He was in a  room that somehow gave the impression of being both large and small at the same time. There was a window to the side, scenery barreling along at a healthy clip. Metal racks up by the ceiling housed a trio of trunks. One of them was his. A long bench ran along the wall on each side of him. For some reason that realization filled him with pride.

“Guys... what happened?” he asked, a bit worried. He was pretty sure having no memory of how got somewhere was a bad sign

“Why, Harry...”

“..whatever do you mean?”

Harry glared at them. He knew he shouldn't. He knew that kind of attitude would brand him as the wrong sort, and then no one would want anything to do with him. But he just couldn't help himself. Something strange had happened. Considering that talking to the twins was the last thing he could remember, they probably what was going on.

They were probably responsible for this weird slimy feeling in his ears, too. He was going to have to take a shower as soon as possible.

“Something weird happened. What was it?” he demanded.

“I'm sure we don't know what you're talking about.”

“Why would you say something weird happened?”

“Well, guys, the thing is... _I'm on a train._ ” Harry enunciated very clearly. “It's kind of funny. It just strikes me as a very odd place to be. See, I'm pretty sure I never got _on a train_.”

“The Hogwarts Express is a magic train.”

“Magic holds nearly limitless possibilities.”

“It's hard to say what may or may not happen with magic.”

“You may even suddenly find yourself on a train.”

Harry wasn't buying it. “Guys. I. Am. On. A. Train.”

George gave a polite golf clap. “Well spotted, Harrikins. Well spotted indeed.”

“Yeah, it's good to see you're feeling bett-urk!” Fred managed to get most of an extremely incriminating sentence out before George elbowed him in the gut.

“Feeling better from what?” Harry asked blandly.

“Feeling better? What do you mean? Fred was simply glad you were feeling betturk!”

Fred was gingerly rubbing his stomach. “It's a wizard thing, Harry. We'll explain it some other time.”

“No, I'd rather you explain now. Because I'm pretty sure _you_ were saying he was glad I felt better, and _he_ elbowed you for it.”

“Look Harry, a mountain!” George announced, pointing out the window. “You've gotta see this, it's so cool!”

Harry scowled. “I've seen mountains on the telly. They don't look that interesting.”  There was no way they were going to distract him before he got some answers.

“But Harry, you've gotta see this! It has-”

Fred trailed off, his face white. George's mouth was hanging open. Ri's fur stood on end and Ru nearly fell off Harry. There was a group of tumbleweeds bouncing down the slope, headed for the train.

“Forget it, Harry. We were just trying to distract you.”

The younger boy's brow furrowed. Did they really just admit to trying to distract him? Why would they do that? Unless... they actually didn't want him to look at the mountain. Clearly they were trying to distract him by distracting him and admiring to distracting him. The line of thinking was making his head hurt, but it still made sense. Maybe.

He began to turn.

Ri's tail whipped around his eyes, completely blinding him. At the same time, Ru launched off his shoulder and bounded off the far wall. She hit him in the chest like a small, furry sledgehammer, knocking him into a seat. George whipped out his wand and whispered a short incantation. A mass of black goo exploded from the end, covering almost the entire window. The shades were quickly whipped shut, courtesy of George. He made sure to press the curtains into the goo.

Harry lifted Ri off his face. He held her at arm's length, giving her a confused look. “What was that for?” he asked. The fox gave him an innocent look. “I didn't do anything to you! I was just trying to look out the...”

Harry stared at the mass of goo and fabric. He gave one of the curtains an experimental tug. It pulled out a little, but snapped right back into place the moment he let go. The black stuff was both very sticky and elastic.

Ri slipped out of his hand and hopped onto the back of the seat. She stared at the window in an overly curious manner, like she had never seen something like that before. Ru was giving Harry a blank look from the floor. He translated the look as, “Window? What window?”. It was a fairly accurate interpretation.

“Oh, look. The window broke, Harry.”

“Don't you hate it when that happens, Harry?”

“Always when you least expect it, Harry...”

“Too bad, that was a great mountain, Harry.”

“It didn’t break! It's covered in some sort of goo!” the boy snapped. “I can even see handprints where you pushed the curtain in!”

“Remember: nearly limitless possibilities, Harry.”

“Magic has nearly limitless possibilities, Harry.”

“That was a magic window, Harry.”

“This is a magic train, Harry.”

“So it makes sense for that to be a magic window, Harry.”

“It'd be pretty odd if it wasn't, Harry.”

“So the window held limitless possibilities, Harry.”

“Because it was a magic window, Harry.”

“Who's to say how a magic window might break, Harry.”

“Can you really say it won't goo itself, Harry?”

“That's how I'd break if I were a window, Harry!”

“A magic window, Harry!”

“Everyone loves goo, Harry!”

“Seems pretty reasonable to me, Harry.”

“You're just over-thinking it, Harry.”

“ _Stop!_ ” Harry shouted. “Just stop. I don't even care anymore. Just stop saying my name. Just stop talking. I'm pretty sure my brain is trying to escape my head, and listening to you is making it worse.”

Fred and George shared a glance as Harry tilted his head back and closed his eyes. Fred nodded. Mission successful.

“This is the Hogwarts Express, right? Can you at least tell me that?”

Fred nodded. George shook his head. Fred smacked George. They both nodded.

“Well?” Harry asked. “Wait. Did you just nod?”

They nodded again.

“Right. I'll just assume you nodded.” Harry said after a moment. “You do realize I can't see you with my eyes closed, right?”

Nod.

Harry groaned and rubbed his face. He paused, then began experimentally poking himself. Little, pained hisses escaped his lips at several points during the process. Finally, he seemed satisfied.

“I seem to have bruise. A bad one.” He stated, staring at the twins. “Why do I have a bruise?”

“Are you sure?”

“You might not have a bruise.”

Harry turned his head and pointed at his cheek. There were four small bruises there. They were already an impressive shade of bluish-purple. “I don't have a bruise here? Seriously?”

“You don't have _a_ bruise.”

“We'd tell you if you had _a_ bruise.”

Something about those statements seemed a bit off. Harry couldn't quite place his finger on it. It probably wasn't worth trying to wrangle it out of the twins. What he really needed now was some time to calm down.

The young boy frowned. Having the twins around wasn't exactly conducive to relaxing, but at least they wouldn't freak out over his scar. Somehow he doubted the other students would give him that courtesy.

Something touched Harry's leg. Ru was on her hind legs, touching his knee with her paw. He smiled that the little creature and held his hands out. When she didn't protest, he lifted her up and set her on his lap. Her tail gave a happy swish.

“You two are so sweet. How in the world did you get stuck with them.” Harry asked.

Ru looked up at him with a strange expression on her face. She looked highly amused, as if she were privy to a joke that had just gone over his head. He got the distinct impression she was laughing at him.

“Ah, Harry, you do remember watching them try to eat my face, right?” remarked Fred.

“You deserved it. Didn't he?”

Ru nodded her head. Ri, still up on the back of the chair, did the same.

“See? You deserved it. You...” Harry trailed off. Something had just occurred to him.

“Ah, Harry?”

“You alright there?”

Harry looked at them and grinned. The grin was pure evil. It was almost feral, promising pain and horror to all that beheld it. Woe to any who fall within his sight, for surely the end is nigh. He would watch on without mercy, finding joy in the eternal suffering of his victims.

Fred and George would have been proud to call the boy brother, based on nothing other than that smile.

“Hey guys.... Didn't you owe Ri and Ru some... what was it? Oh, yeah! Chocolate frogs!” Harry happily asked. If he couldn't go to another compartment, he'd just have to empty this one.

Some part of his mind wondered what the hell was going on. Harry had never acted like this before. If he had, he would have been punished for it severely. He had been shown again and again that there were consequences for having an attitude.

This wasn't the plan. The plan was to stay out of the way and quietly wait until he found someone he could get along with. The plan was _not_ to get all sarcastic and give people a hard time. Acting like that was sure to alienate everyone.

He somehow missed the fact that this was exactly how the twins acted towards each other.

The twins instantly froze. They both locked gazes with a fox, their eyes widening. The foxes stared back. They did not appear to be very amused.

“You know, it's almost like you were hoping your girls would forget about it. It seems like they were pretty distracted when _nothing_ happened.” Harry said sweetly. He was still slowly stroking the fox laying in his lap. He look like an evil mastermind explaining his grand plan to a hero.

The fox in his lap was still calmly sprawled on her side, but her tail was now lashing in agitation. Harry could hear the faint sound of fabric being torn. Peering out from behind his head, Ri was slowly dragging her claws into the back of the seat.

“Not that I think you would _deliberately_ try to deny them the Chocolate Frogs you promised them. You must have been so surprised when the window _broke_ that you forgot.”

 _You can stop any time now, mouth!_ Harry's brain yelled. _It's not too late to apologize!_

The twins stared.

“Well played, Harry...” George muttered. Louder, he declared, “Well then, we'll just go find some frogs! Shall we, brother?”

“Why yes, brother. We shall. We may have to sell our bodies, perhaps our very souls, to get them. But we go on, regardless!”

“Yes! Humiliation and physical defilement await!” George cheerfully chirped. He looked at the foxes. There was no compassion in their eyes. His gaze drifted to Harry, who was still wearing an evil grin. Clearly there would be no help from that corner.

There was a faint popping sound as Ri yanked her claws out of the seat. She bounded down to land on Harry's lap, almost dislodging her sister. Both foxes grinned at the twin wizards. At least, they might have been grinning. They were showing a _lot_ of teeth.

That counts as a grin, right?

Fred made a noise that sounded suspiciously like an “eep!”. He yanked open the door, grabbed his brother and hurled both of them bodily out into the hallway. A moment later the door slammed shut.

A muffled cry of, “Watch Harry for a bit!” came from the hall.

Harry supposed he was under a lot of stress. He had to be. All the weird things he was seeing were making him crack. He was really, really freaked out, and it was making him act out of character. He was doing some things that Harry Potter would never do, and he was certainly saying a lot of things that Harry Potter would never say.

Somehow it didn't occur to him that this might be exactly who he was.

He'd spent his entire life trying to be what the Dursleys wanted him to be. His every action had been designed to win their approval or avoid their wrath.  He had been forced into their mold for so long that even he didn't really know who Harry Potter was supposed to be. Now he was suddenly free of their constraints. He had no idea how he was supposed to act.

In another world, his first friend would have been a less-than-stellar example of wizardkind. His eagerness to please the boy would lead to him becoming lazy and ignorant. He would have become alternately loved and hated, leading to a great deal of insecurity and a desperate need for approval.

In this world, he'd met the twins.

So... that's probably not going to end well.

“You really do have them whipped.” he declared. Each hand was now occupied by a fox. His lap wasn't quite big enough for both, so they were forced to overlap a bit. They didn't seem to mind sharing the space, though. “You two sure get along a lot better than your people do. You're not very much like them at all. You'd never do the crazy things they do, would you?”

Ri rolled a little so she could look at him. Ru craned her head back to do the same. Harry once again got the feeling he was being laughed at. He stared back at the foxes intently, examining them carefully. His scrutiny was met with dual expressions of pure innocence.

For some reason he couldn't shake the feeling that something strange was going on.

There was a sharp knock on the door.

Harry almost shot to his feet in surprise, but managed to stop himself at the last second. Ri and Ru were still occupying his lap. It wouldn't do to throw them to the floor just because he was a little startled.

“Yes?” Harry reflexively squeaked. He immediately realized what he had done, and had to fight the urge to hit himself. He could have just kept quiet. Whoever was in the hall might have left if they thought the compartment was empty.

Dealing with other people wasn't exactly Harry's strong suit. He just didn't have much experience with it. Doing chores for the Durselys accounted for most of his day. The rest of his time was spent trying to avoid Dudley's gang. There wasn't really much time left for socializing between the two. Even if he had the chance, his cousin would quickly scare off anyone he tried to talk to.

Being around the twins was surprisingly easy, but Harry was pretty sure they were a special case. They seemed to have no trouble discarding the whole 'boy-who-lived' thing. They were also so ridiculous that it was hard to be self-conscious around them.

It seemed watching an angry fox try to chew someone's face off was a very effective icebreaker.

But as far as other people went...

There wasn't any point in panicking now. The person on the other side of the door had heard Harry's accidental greeting. Clearly they considered it an invitation, because the door was sliding open.

 _Actually, that's a pretty good reason to panic._ Harry reflected, beginning to panic. He hastily began trying to smooth his hair down over his scar.

A pretty young witch stuck her head into the compartment. “Anything from the cart, dear?”

“The cart?” He managed to squeak.

“Yes dear. The cart.” She said motioning behind herself.

Harry craned his neck, trying to see out into the hall. It wasn't easy to do from where he was seated, but Ri and Ru didn't seem inclined to surrender his lap.

There was a small cart standing just behind the witch. It was loaded with a dazzling array of colorful packages. Some of them were slowly changing color. Others were glowing in a shades of eye-wrenching neon. A few were making faint whistling or popping noises. There were even a couple that were writhing around as if something inside was trying to escape.

Though he didn't recognize anything on the cart offhand, the pictures on some of the- bags made it easy to identify them as food. Harry gave a relieved sigh as he realized what was going on. People that were trying to sell things were almost always nice. At least, they were nice until they realized you didn't have any money.

For once in his life he actually had some money. Digging a hand into his pocket elicited an annoyed grumble from the foxes, but it was worth it. Harry smiled as the observed the collection of odd coins in his hand.

It only took a fraction of a second for that smile to falter. He honestly had no idea how much his money was worth. He really didn't want to embarrass himself by asking for something he couldn't afford. That aside, he didn't know what anything on the cart was. It wouldn't do to waste money buying something silly.

“Well, love, what can I get for you?” The witch asked him. She was staring at him expectantly.

Harry shifted uncomfortably. He was starting to wish the twins were here. He could have just asked them what he should do. But that wasn't an option, since they had to go find Chocolate Frogs for-

Yet again, Harry felt the urge to hit himself. The answer to his problem was so obvious that it was quite literally sitting under his nose.

“Girls? Could you do me a favor?”

The occupying forces looked at him curiously.

“Could you use this to buy some good snacks?” He asked, holding out the handful of coins.

The two foxes considered the money. They weren't particularly inclined to move at the moment, but he had asked nicely. They could always seize control of his lap again. Besides, he wanted help buying snacks. Maybe they could convince him to share. Or, at the very least, they might be able to steal some when he wasn't looking.

The vulpine twins nodded in agreement and launched into action. Ru catapulted off Harry's lap and shot towards the cart. A moment later she returned, dropping a colorful package between Harry's feet. At the same time, Ri snatched several coins from Harry's hand and sprang across the compartment. The witch blinked in surprise as several Knuts materialized on the floor by her feet. This happened several times in just a few seconds, the pile of snacks growing rapidly.

“Oh!” Harry said suddenly. “I almost forgot. Get some of those Chocolate Frogs. Like, five or six if we can afford it.”

The foxes somehow managed to go from 'ludicrous speed' to a complete stop in the time it took Harry to say the word 'frogs'. The compartment floor now sported several deep gashes where they had dug their claws into the carpet. They looked at Harry, then exchanged a glance.

Could an entire Chocolate Frog 'vanish' when his back was turned?

Several more quick circuits were made, the twins depositing the requested frogs on top of Sugar Rush Tower.

The witch bent down and collected her money in bemusement. The coins were arranged in perfect stacks of ten, so neat that they looked like a single cylinder. She quickly tallied the pile of snacks and counted the coins.

The little creatures had even paid in exact change.

“Well then, thank you very much, dear.” She said, clearly amused. “You and your little friends have a good trip.”

Harry was so busy examining his pile of snacks that he didn't even notice the door closing. Buyer's remorse was already starting to set in. For all he knew, he may have just spent a fortune on candy.

 _Whatever._ He thought with a dismissive shrug. _I'm a kid. I'm supposed to be irresponsible. I'll just have to be careful from now on. I don't want to run out of money..._

 

* * *

 

Somewhere deep beneath Gringotts a dragon roared. It released a massive plume of fire into the air. The scorching jet slammed into the ceiling, heating the stone.

That ceiling just happened to be directly below the main Potter family vault.

The sudden heat caused the stone floor to expand ever so slightly. Normally the would have been completely meaningless. However, the minute swelling was enough to slightly shift a thirty-foot tall pile of gold. At the very top of the pile a precariously perched diamond, as big as a man's fist, slid out of place.

The large stone bounced down the pile, quickly picking up speed. It soon had an avalanche of gold coins trailing behind it. By the time it hit the bottom of the pile it was leading a massive wave of precious metal. The wave crashed across the floor, burying a collection of enchanted, goblin-made weapons and jewelry.

The devastating wall of metal blasted a line of wardrobes into splinters. Priceless furs and pelts flew into the air. Robes fit for the gods themselves joined them. An invisible robe fell, seen only by the most intelligent and refined. It landed on a solid gold Buddha statue, draped loosely around its shoulders.

The statue completely ignored the fantastic garment. It continued to stare across the vault, glaring accusingly at a large display shelf. It contained a complete collection of Hustler magazine, from the first issue to the present. All were in perfect condition, wrapped in the best preservation spells that money could buy.

A goblin marched into the vault, muttering about drawing the short straw yet again. In his arms he clutched the latest issue of the dreaded porno. It was a demeaning duty, but a contract was a contract. The goblins would do what they had been paid to do, even if they hated it.

His jaw dropped open. The largest pile in the vault was teetering. Made completely out of gold ingots, it was normally very stable. But the impact of several hundred thousand coins had comprised the stack's structural integrity. Even as he watched, the forty-foot pillar of gold began to fall towards him.

The goblin could hardly believe his luck. Staring up at the oncoming gold, he threw open his arms and let out a cry of joy. Being crushed beneath enough gold to buy a small country was a good way to die.

 

* * *

 

“Wow. That went really well. If everyone in the wizarding world is like that, then I was worried for nothing.” Harry announced. He began digging through the pile of unwholesome goodness.

Ri and Ru watched him in disbelief. Ri turned to her sister and very deliberately drew the tip of her tail across her throat. Her sister sighed and nodded. Both turned back to give Harry a concerned look.

“Oh, here they are!” Harry announced. He had completely missed the entire exchange. Smiling happily, the boy dropped several packages in front of his furry friends.

The twins stared. Six chocolate frog packages were sitting on the ground before them.

“Those are for you.”

They looked at Harry, their eyes wide with wonder. He was pretty sure no one had ever looked at him like that before. Even if a man fed the world, he probably would never see such amazed and grateful faces.

“Well, are you going to eat them? It's okay, really.”

That was all they needed.

Ri flashed forward and tackled a package. She slid across the floor, whirled around and kicked it up into the air. Ru snatched it and held it high, allowing her sister to slash her claws across it. Both twins grabbed a side and pulled. The package resisted valiantly, but another pair of claw swipes sent it to the grave. Colorful shreds of wrapper exploded into the air.

At some point, Harry figured, this sort of thing would stop amazing him. As soon as the foxes opened the wrapper, a frog made entirely of chocolate desperately leaped away. It barely made it a foot.

A small jaw full of very sharp teeth closed around one of its hind legs. Ri shook her head violently, whipping the frog around like a rag. Harry was pretty sure its mouth was wide open in a silent scream. Eventually the leg snapped, sending the confectionery amphibian  rocketing across the compartment. For a moment it looked like it was going to sail right by Ru's head. But then she quickly turned and neatly removed another leg.

The frog desperately tried to crawl away using its forelegs. The foxes slowly chewed on their chocolate legs. They were taking their time, clearly savoring every last moment. The frog was making good progress. It had made it halfway to the compartment door. Harry could see the hope glimmering in its eyes.

The girls finished chewing. They both swallowed, looks of utter bliss on their faces. Ru even gave a dainty little belch. Then they both shot forward and grabbed half the frog. There was a crunch as the bit down together. Like magic, the frog was gone.

It was probably the neatest thing Harry had ever seen in his entire life. He almost felt bad for the frog, but that had been totally cool. As another burst of shredded wrapper flew into the air, Harry wondered if all wizarding candy was like this. He did have a whole bunch to try. And he would, as soon as the foxes were done with their frogs.

The foxes had evidently decided to put on a show for Harry. He witnessed aerial acrobatics, impressive catches and remarkably precise claw work. At one point they decided to play a game of handball with their snack. It was pretty amazing that their small paws could send the animate chocolate ricocheting around the compartment at such incredible speeds. Harry conveniently failed to notice the dark brown stains this left on the walls. Those frogs bounced surprisingly well.

Something fluttered across the compartment. He almost missed it among the raining shreds of wrapper. Curious, he quickly snapped it out of the air.

It was some sort of trading card, he realized. It was actually pretty cool.

Unfortunately, the twins had completely destroyed it in their rush to open the package. It was peppered with nasty punctures. One corner of the card had been chewed off entirely. The old man in the picture was looking at the missing chunk of card with horror in his eyes. He was uncomfortably contorting his body around the tooth marks. At least the nasty scratch across the picture gave him something to lean against.

Harry squinted at the card. As chewed up and soggy with fox spit as it was, he couldn't quite read it.

“Al... All... All-Bu.... All-Cussed?” He squinted harder. “Oh. I see. All-Lust Bumble-More. What an odd name...”

There was a choking noise by his feet. It appeared Ri was having some trouble swallowing her last bit of frog. Ru was sitting next to her, looking at him with wide eyes and shaking slightly. She seemed to be making some sort of little squeaking noise.

“Are you guys okay? Was it something you ate?”

They stared up at Harry. They carefully examined the card. They quickly glanced at each other.

Suddenly both familiars were rolling around the compartment. It looked like they were convulsing and both were that odd noise, only much louder now. Suddenly it dawned on Harry that they were laughing. Something had set them into a hysterical laughing fit, but he quite figure out what it was.

“I take it all back. You guys are as weird as your wizards.” He announced. Randomly reaching into the pile, he extracted another package. “Lets see. What's a Cauldron Cake?”

Both foxes froze. Ri stared across the compartment at her sister, a questioning, horrified look on her face. Her sister quickly shook her head.

“Well, let's see.” Harry continued. He tore open the grayish package, wrinkling his nose as a strange scent filled the air.

It did indeed look like a cauldron. The body of the cake was made of some kind of spongy looking chocolate cake. It didn't look very appealing, but the middle was much worse. The 'filling' was a watery blue-green liquid. It hissed and snapped. It was bubbling enthusiastically. Occasionally a large bubble would burst, releasing a foul black vapor. The strange scent got stronger each time this happened.

If despair had a smell, this is what it would smell like.

 _Wizards must really hate their children. There's no other explanation._ Harry decided. “Here guys, you can have that too. Knock yourselves out.” He dropped the cake on the floor near the twin familiars.

They looked at the 'snack' with disgust evident on their faces. They turned together to look at Harry. Ru gave him an accusing glare. She was obviously a bit annoyed that Harry thought their standards were so low. As bad as that was, her sister was even worse. She looked genuinely hurt. By trying to trick them into eating something so foul, Harry had betrayed them both. He was starting to feel really bad about it.

He said quickly. “I just thought you might want it. It doesn't look that good to me, but maybe you like them. It could taste a lot better than it looks!”

Great. Now they were looking at him like he was an idiot. They seemed a bit disappointed in him. Clearly they had thought him smarter than that.

“I didn't think so. You don't have to eat it. I just thought you might like it because you like Chocolate Frogs so much.”

Now they were obviously confused.

“Because Chocolate Frogs are chocolate.”

They nodded.

“And Cauldron Cakes are chocolate.”

There was a long pause. The foxes were clearly trying to decide whether or not that was true. Finally, after several seconds, they nodded again. Grudgingly.

“So they're both chocolate. So Cauldron Cakes are kind of like Chocolate Frogs!” concluded Harry.

His declaration was met with stares of abject horror. If they weren't white before, they probably would have been now. Ri snarled and slashed the “treat”. It slid across the compartment and stopped at Ru's feet. She huffed and very pointedly sat down with her back to Harry.

Ru watched the cauldron cake. The filling was sloshing violently, somehow not spilling out of the chocolate cauldron. She stared at it with wide eyes. Her pupils slowly dilated. Her tail began to thump against the floor and her body began to sway.

A particularly large bubble surfaced in the cake's filling. It popped with an obscene sound, releasing a greasy burst of smoke. A smell like rotting kumquats filled the compartment. Harry had never actually seen a kumquat, but he recognized the smell regardless.

A low sound emerged from Ru's throat. It was like she was humming along to a tune no one else could hear. Her pupils had dilated far more that should be possible. The tempo of her swaying increased.

She could hear every voice on the train. She could smell every thought on the continent. She tasted the love, hate and fear of every living being on the planet. At one with the cosmos, she peered upon the very face of time itself. She gazed into eternity and something gazed back from the other side.

It moved, an impossibly sinuous motion. It beckoned to her. It offered her the secrets of the universe. It promised her everlasting joy and ultimate power. All she had to do was ask for it. All she had to do was let it in.

V **ulgtlagln syha'h. sll'ha n'ghft. orr'e ph' ftaghu. mnahn' gof'nn fm'latgh. An'sh-**

A flash of black and white slammed into Ru's face. The blow knocked all thoughts of the Cauldron Cake out of her head as it drove her to the floor.

Ru wobbled to her feet, a confused look on her face. Something had just hit her. It hit her hard and knocked her down, dirtying her beautiful fur! Who would _dare_? Her eyes locked onto her sister's tail. She stared at the furry appendage, her head bobbing to follow its movement. It was an amused and smug wag.

It was her.

A simple mauling wouldn't be adequate punishment for this. She looked around the compartment, searching for something that would convey the sheer depth of her displeasure. A quick sweep revealed the _perfect_ revenge. Ri dared to dirty her? Well, like deserves like.

She quietly eased her way across the compartment. Ri was so busy ignoring Harry that it probably wasn't necessary, but it never hurt to be careful. She eased slipped around the Cauldron Cake, careful not to look directly at it. It was difficult to push it around Mount Snackington. But life's biggest rewards came from the biggest challenges. The snack cake was stealthily maneuvered directly behind the smug fox.

She carefully watched her sister's tale, gauging the movement. It was a very simple back and forth movement. Two full swings a second. Just whipping back and forth in the air, with no artistry at all. Her sister was so simple sometimes.

One swing. Two swings. Three swings. Perfectly regular. Four swings. No variation at all. Five swings.

_Strike!_

Harry opened his mouth at the second. He had figured out the fox's intentions. Stopping her seemed like a good idea. The words, “I don't think you should-” made it out of his mouth.

Ru launched herself over her sister, hitting the back wall of the compartment. The other fox had just enough time to look up in surprise. Ru bounced off the wall and grabbed the swinging tail in her mouth. There was a startled squawk as Ru _yanked_ , hauling Ri off her feet. With a triumphant cry, the captured tail was dunked into the bubbling Cauldron Cake.

Six inches of tail vanished into the inch-deep cake.

Ri shrieked in horror. Every hair on her body stood straight up.  She lunged forward, violently yanking her tail away from her sister. It took several violent flicks to remove fizzing filling.

She brought her tail around to examine the damage. A look of absolute horror was frozen on her face. The tip of her tail, which had previously been an incredibly pure shade of white, was now day-glow green.  It also had pulsing neon polka-dots. Strangest of all, there was a single brown zig-zag near the tip.

It was ruined. Here beautiful, perfect, flawless, transcendent, incredible, divine tail was ruined for ever and ever and ever. It was her best feature! Well, aside from her gorgeous tail, perfect paws, shapely legs, wonderful nose, dazzling eyes, incredible whiskers, delicate skeletal structure, wonderfully soft pads, devastating claws, remarkable intelligence and boundless compassion. Even as perfect as she was, that single flaw made it all pointless. What was the point of being imperfect like some other dumb animal?

What point was there to living if she wasn't absolutely perfect in every imaginable way?

A quick flex of her legs sent her rocketing towards Ru. The other fox was waiting, claws extended fangs bared. This would end now. One way or another, the fur would fly.

Harry somehow managed to snatch the two fast-moving projectiles out of the air. He held them up in front of his face, giving them a frown. Something about it made them feel very ashamed.

“It's not good to fight. Nothing good ever comes from hitting someone. You shouldn't have hit your sister. You shouldn't have dunked Ri”s tail in that... thing.” He said reasonably. “Why don't you call it a draw.”

The foxes weren't really listening to him. Instead, they were both watching the drop of blood run down his arm. He had a small, deep scratch on the back of his hand. One of them had managed to claw him. That wasn't the sort of thing they were supposed to be doing at all.

The wizard gently placed them back down on the floor. Ru hit Ri in the side with a soft headbutt, then walked around and gave her tail an experimental lick. She froze stock-still, fell on her side and belched out a noxious cloud. It took her several seconds and a few soft prods to get her back on her feet.

Harry scowled at wizardkind's revenge on ungrateful children. That thing was nothing but trouble. He snatched it up and quickly tossed it.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten something important. The cake hit the black, curtain-laced goo with a soft hiss. It slowly vanished into the black substance. There was an unholy shrieking, like the tortured souls of a million murderers escaping Hell. The filling spread throughout the goo and stained it an indescribable color. Just looking at it was hurting Harry's mind. It was like the sheen on the surface of an oil slick, only none of the hues actually existed.

It wiggled. Tiny tentacles emerged from it and began tugging at the curtains. The sound of faint whispers prickled at the edges of Harry's hearing.

“So... Who wants to play 'stay the heck away from the window' now?” Harry asked fearfully. He was pretty sure that... _thing_... was watching him. It didn't have eyes, but it was watching him.

The foxes nodded. They had the distinct feeling that they'd get more than a stained tail if they touched that.

“Okay... I suppose we're good now.” Harry announced. He was slowly edging away from the squamous mass. “Let's try the rest of this. Can you guys point out the bad stuff? I really don't want another Cauldron Cake.”

The foxes gave the pile of candy an appraising look. They were pretty sure that neither of them had bought a Cauldron Cake. It certainly wasn't something they would have done on purpose, but it was equally hard to believe they had done it on accident. So how in the world...?

Ri gave Harry a slight nod. Her sister continued to examine the pile of food suspiciously.

“Good. And let's... uh... just keep an eye on _that_. Just in case.”

The foxes nodded again.

Eventually the Reaching Horror calmed down, settling back into its original shape. The trio continued to watch it warily.

 


	3. Hail to the King!

Something Familiar

 

Chapter 3: “Hail to the King!”

AKA: “She's Always Wet”

 

X  X  X  X  X  X  X  X  X  X  X

 

It was amazing what you could get used of. After half an hour, the Nightmare Window was just another part of the room. Eventually they more or less forgot about it.

Harry and his foxy friends managed to demolish the pile of snacks. It helped that the foxes seemed able to consume several times their mass in food. He was pretty sure that Ru actually managed to eat more than he had. Thinking about it hurt his brain, so he decided to eat a bag of Jumping Jellies instead. Trying to grab the little buggers prove to be an adequate distraction. They were far smaller and faster than the frogs, so even the girls had trouble catching them.

Eventually they were disturbed by the door opening.

Fred waltzed in happily, throwing out his arms. “Rejoice, rejoice! We have returned!”

“And we brought victims!” George added. He pushed his brother out of the door. “Sorry, not victims. I meant to say minions.”

Someone gave George a friendly smack to the back of the head. George pitched forward from the force of the blow. He stumbled across the small compartment, struggling to regain his footing. Both familiars shot up into the luggage rack as he staggered forward. He didn't manage to recover before colliding with his brother. They both slammed into the goo-encrusted window.

Harry goggled. There had been absolutely no intent to harm in the hit. It had looked more like a friendly cuff than anything else;but judging by the reaction that ‘friendly cuff’ hit like a speeding freight train.

The twins thanked every god they had ever heard of that the curtain was still stuck across most of the window. The formerly black goo was reaching for them. It was now a shade of black beyond even black. Just looking at it caused a multitude of tiny voices to gibber in the back of their minds. Fred's hand was a bit too close to the edge of the curtain, allowing several thin tentacles to whip around it. It took several mighty yanks to pull it free. The whole time, Fred was whispering, “Just cut off my arm... Just cut it off...”

They pulled his arm away with a horrible tearing-sucking sound. Several small tentacles came with it, torn loose from the main mass. They tried to squirm their way up Fred's arm, forcing the twins to desperately smack them off. The black tendrils continued to move even after being knocked to the floor.

They were quickly stomped into oblivion.

“What the hell happened to the window!?” Fred squeaked.

Harry shrugged. “It broke, remember?”

“But it just...”

“It's a _magic_ window. Who can say how a _magic_ window will break, Fred?” Harry sagely informed the older boy.

“Are you alright, Red? You seem to have stumbled a bit there. You really should be more careful.” A voice from the hallway seriously advised. There wasn't even the slightest hint of humor or playfulness to it.

Fred continued to watch the window.

“We're fine, King. Just a little trip.” George said over his shoulder. There were some things in the magical world that it was best to ignore. He wasn’t sure an unspeakable soul-devouring sludge of ultimate evil was one of those things, but he was determine to give it his best effort. “C'mon down and pull up a seat. Ah, don't actually pull it up. Just sit in it. And don't sit down too hard.”

An unfamiliar boy made his way into the compartment. Something about him was very odd. He was more or less average sized, maybe even a bit on the lean side. Despite that, he somehow gave the impression of being huge. It was like someone took ten Hagrids and squeezed them down into a normal student.

There was a large trunk thrown over his shoulder, held by a single index finger around the handle.

Harry noted as an afterthought that he had short, sandy hair. He was well-dressed in black slacks and a white dress shirt. An ash-gray blazer completed the ensemble. Small, rimless glasses were perched on his nose. He must have been muggleborn, because Harry didn't think any pureblood could dress themselves so well.

“Red, I have been on this Earth for thirteen years. I think I know how to- Good lord! What in God's name happened to that window!?” he exclaimed.

“It broke.” Harry, Fred and George all said. The foxes hopped down onto the bench and gave the black mass a suspicious glare. They were clearly shaken by their wizards' close encounter with the Goo. Ri began to growl, but squeaked in fear and hid behind her sister when it bulged toward her. Luckily, it seemed to only be able to stretch a few inches from the frame.

“I see... I was not aware that windows could break in that manner. How very odd...” the boy slowly said. “Perhaps... we should find a new compartment? I have the rather unpleasant feeling that that... thing... is eyeing me in a most disturbing manner.”

Fred shook his head. “Eight people-sized people to a compartment, King. The others are probably full enough that we’d have to split up. The only reason there’s no one but Harry here is because...” The redhead thought about it for several seconds. How many people had seen them dragging a wildly muttering madman into this compartment? “... of the Goo.”

“But-”

“It's cool, King. We'll be fine as long as we stay away from it. And don't look directly at it. And don't think about it too much. And stay away from it. And assume it might come for us at any time. And prepare to kill it with fire. And stay away from it.” Fred declared.

The boy, clearly King, looked around cautiously. If there was one unimaginable terror from the far side of reason and sanity, there might be more. “You said, 'Stay away from it.' three times.” He pointed out.

“Yeah. I was aware of that.” Fred sighed. He turned so he could look at Harry and keep the window in his line of sight. “Lil' Harry, meet our good buddy King. Somehow we've survived sharing a room with him for two years so far.”

“Let's hope we keep up the streak.” George sighed.

“King, this is our new pet firstie, Harry.” Fred finished, nudging Harry forward.

He reached out and shook King's free hand. Iron would turn green in envy, Harry decided. Iron spent its entire life hoping to grow up and be like King someday. The poor base metal was doomed to failure and disappointment. It had _nothing_ on King.

“Hi.” Harry greeted softly. He was trying really hard not to freak out and do something strange. He got the distinct impression that King could break him just by giving him a hard look.  If he was like Dudley, his life was over. But the twins seemed to like him, so he couldn't be that bad. Right? “I'm pretty sure I'm _the_ Harry Potter. I'm told there might be more of me around, I'm not absolutely certain.”

The twins snickered, while King gave him a blank stare. Surprisingly, the boy’s eyes didn’t so much as flicker towards Harry’s forehead. “I am Arthur King. I'm quite pleased to make your acquaintance Harry. This is my familiar. Come in and say hello, Lady.” He moved out of the door, allowing _something_ to step into the compartment.

Lady was made out of water. From head to toe, every bit of her body composed of clear liquid. She had slender limbs, a narrow waist, a moderately large chest and long hair. None of it looked quite right. Harry decided she was very pretty, but it was like someone who had never seen a woman made one based on a description. All of her features were just a little off. She was like a ever so slightly exaggerated caricature of a girl.

“Hi Lady.” Harry greeted. The familiar waggled her thin fingers back at him.

“I'm afraid Lady cannot talk, so we muddle along as best we can.” King explained. “Still, she is quite happy to meet you.”

“Oh, good. Is she really made out of water?”

King chuckle. “When I first summoned her, I had quite a hard time believing that myself. But I assure you, she is exactly what she appears to be.”

Fred chimed in. “She's a water elemental, Harry. It'd be pretty strange if she wasn't made of water.”

“What's a water elemental?”

Lady pointed at herself.

King chuckled and patted her on the head. “I believe he was asking for a description of your species. Thank you for helping, regardless.”

Lady shrugged. She stepped around King and took a seat on one of the benches. Harry noted with interest that she didn't get the fabric wet.

“A elemental is a sort of low-ranked nature spirit. They are born from great upheavals of nature itself. Hurricanes and tornado sometimes create wind elementals. Volcanic eruptions and wildfires might result in fire elementals. Earthquakes, mudslides and sinkholes  make earth elementals, while Lady was most likely born from a flood or tidal wave.”. King explained.

Lady nodded.

King swung his trunk around and slammed it into place up on a luggage rack. The roof of the compartment splintered slightly. The rack itself gave a dangerous pinging sound and bent slightly. King didn't even seem to notice.

“So people have familiars like this too? Not just animals.”

“Most people have animals, Harry.” George informed him.

Fred continued, “Magical beasts are pretty uncommon. Weaker spirits like the watery tart are pretty rare. Every now and then someone’ll summon a more powerful spirit, but that’s pretty rare.”

“Though they have been more common in recent years.” King added. “And what have I told you about calling her that? It shows a rather unbecoming lack of respect towards another wizard’s familiar.”

“She threw a sword at your head! It almost gave me a new hole when you moved out of the way!”

King gave a long suffering sigh. He plopped into the seat next to Lady. The bench gave a faint, metallic squeal in protest. “She has already explained that it was a misunderstanding. She was throwing the sword at someone else when she was summoned. It just so happened that it was a bit too late to stop.”

“The moistened bint almost killed George!”

“She was merely trying to greet him. She is quite affectionate, you know.”

“She stuck his head straight into her chest! She almost drowned him!”

Harry gave Lady a horrified look. “She almost _drowned_ him?”

“Oh, you have nothing to fear, Harry. Lady is the kindest and gentlest creature you are ever likely to meet. She simply has not quite mastered the fine art of the hug. I'm afraid she gets a bit over-enthusiastic and tends to press people into her chest.” King calmly explained.

“And he doesn't mean she presses you _against_ her chest. When he says into, he means _into_.” George commented darkly. “It's all wet and drowny in there. Trust me, it's not a great experience..”

“It also could've killed him.” Fred spat. He seemed far more upset about it than is brother.

“It only happened once, and I extracted him before he came to any great harm.”

“He passed out, King.”

“And Madam Pomfrey stated that he merely suffered from a minor case of oxygen deprivation. Lady has learned her lesson.”

Fred sighed and sat down. “Yeah, well, it could've been a lot worse.”

“Exactly how many bludgers collided with your face last year? Each time you would say, 'It's not a big deal, King. We're still learning, it's bound to happen!'. Those dreadful cannonballs have hurt both of you far worse than Lady has. Despite that, you continue to compare their hardness to that of your skull. Don’t you think it is a bit unfair to judge Lady for a small accident when you have no problem playing tag with something programmed to maim?”

Fred pointed at the elemental and opened his mouth. He paused. His hand dropped to his side, where it began tapping against the seat. His mouth opened again, but he froze for a second time and studied George's face. He could still remember exactly where a rather viscous hit had caved in part of the other twin's cheek.

“Huh.” He finally said. “Y'know, when you put it like that, I sound like a bit of an ass.”

“Then would you be willing to stop bringing it up? Or will we be discussing this a seventeenth time?”

“We haven't done this sixteen times, King.”

“Sixteen. Exactly.”

“You counted?”

“I counted.”

Harry was examining Lady through the entire exchange. He found himself completely fascinated. Each time she moved it would send almost imperceptible ripples across her body. He could see right through her. She clearly had no skeleton or muscles, but she had no trouble moving. How did she do that?

“Would... would it be weird if I asked to touch her?”

Tiny waves spread through Lady's form, originating from the center of her chest. Harry was fairly sure that she was laughing. She raised one of her arms and held her hand out. Harry hesitantly reached toward it. Lady gave another ripple and shoved her hand forwards. She forced her hand against his, driving one of his extended fingers clear through her palm.

Harry gasped in wonder. “Doesn't that hurt?”

The water-girl shook her head.

“Wicked. You're so cool!” Harry said to her, causing another bout of liquid giggles.

George laughed. “Watch out King! Harry seems to like familiars.”

“He's been doing a pretty good job of seducing the girls away from us.” said Fred. He looked up at the small, black form in the luggage rack. She was directly above him, watching the Goo through narrowed eyes. Her sister had taken up a similar position above George. They were clearly not happy about the monstrosity’s attempt to eat their wizards.

King's brow furrowed. He said, “Red. You're both quite aware that such a thing is impossible. The Bond ensures eternal affection and companionship from both parties.”

“Geez, King. He was kidding. We really oughta find you a sense of humor one of these days.”

“I resent the implication that I am lacking a sense of humor. I have a very thorough understanding of the construction and functionality of humorous remarks.” King said primly. He smacked the bench to emphasize his point. It groaned again, the side he was sitting on dropping a few inches.

George sighed. “And so it begins...”

“They really should think about constructing these in a more satisfactory manner.” King remarked, shaking his head. “Why, if one of these benches broke, a person could get quite a severe injury.”

“King old buddy, trust me when I say that that's not a problem for most people.”

“No, really, it's rather worrying. Substandard construction and shoddy craftsmanship seem to pervade our culture. Just the other day I accidentally walked through a door!”

“Is that bad?” Harry asked. “I mean, isn't that what doors are for?”

Fred sighed. “He means it was closed at the time, Harry. King plowed through a closed door.”

“Probably didn't even slow him down.” George added.

“Well... I do admit that I failed to see the 'pull' sign in time. Still, a simple little push should not be sufficient to so completely destroy a door.” He sighed and leaned back in his seat. There was a snap. King's side the bench hit the floor, sending Lady sliding into his lap. He casually caught her and continued, “You see? What manner of tradesmen would consider this an adequate effort?”

Ripples of laughter spread across Lady’s body.

Harry was staring. There was simply no way that King should be heavy enough to break that bench. Then again, he shouldn't be able to slam a large trunk into the ceiling hard enough to damage it so badly. It seemed like the wizarding world was just full of little oddities like this.

“I see...” Harry said. “That's pretty terrible.”

“Isn't it though?” King agreed. “Disappointing structural stability of these seats aside, I am grateful for your invitation to this compartment. I was previously sharing one with some upperclassmen. For some reason they seemed most distressed by my presence.”

“Yeah. Go figure.” George muttered.

It was kind of odd talking to King, since Lady was directly between them. Harry had to look through the water elemental to see him. King would try to look around her, but Lady would just move in front of him again. Without joints or bones her body was unnaturally flexible. It was clearly a losing battle for the boy. Judging by the giggles dancing across her surface Lady found the game highly amusing.

“You know, at times I very strongly suspect you are trying to break my composure.” King finally sighed.

Lady's body flowed and reshaped itself so she was facing King. She gave him what was obviously meant to be a condescending pat on the head.

“Yes, very good. I-”

She wrapped her arms around his head and quickly shoved his face into her chest. George was right. King's mouth and nose broke the surface of her body. His mouth opened in surprise, allowing a few bubbles of air to escape.

She let him go immediately and hopped off his lap with a splash.

King gasped. “Don't do that! I simply do not understand! I was certain you would have figured out what you were doing wrong by now...”

Harry watched her. She was very obviously giggling. Her hand was even held up in front of her lower face in a dainty gesture. It was odd, considering there wasn't any sound and she didn't actually have a mouth to cover. He thought it was pretty obvious she had done it on purpose and he'd only known her for ten minutes.

Lady splashed down into the seat beside Harry. Turning to face him, she spread her arms and looked at him questioningly. Harry was torn. He was almost one-hundred percent certain she had done that to tease King. It had been pretty rough, but not nearly as bad as what Ri and Ru did to their wizards. Still, he wasn't sure beyond a shadow of a doubt.

He really wanted to find out what hugging a girl made out of water was like. He really wanted to find out what hugging _anyone_ was like, but her especially. It was probably really, really neat. The only problem was that he didn't particularly want to learn what her chest looked like from the inside.

“Um, no thank you. Maybe later.” he finally decided.

Lady sagged. The boy was cute and clearly quite nervous. He really looked like he could use a hug or two. How was she supposed to know she'd have to face the consequences of her actions? It just didn't seem fair!

George was giving King a look. “So, King, how many times has that happened lately?” he asked curiously.

King paused in his efforts to wipe his face off with his blazer. The blazer was also soaked, so he wasn't having much luck. Thinking about it, he answered, “Well, she is doing much better lately. She has only dragged me into the depths four times in the last week, and I have only awoken completely sodden once.”

“Right. And, uh, how many times has she  done that to other people?”

“Not a single time.” the other boy announced proudly. “I do believe that she has been quite careful. I am afraid that the Bond simply compels her to be more affectionate towards me.”

“And that doesn't strike you as odd?”

“Well, why would it? That is indeed part of the Bond's purpose.”

Lady was rippling again. The other three boys stared at King in disbelief. Up with the luggage, Ri and Ru were  hiding their faces with their tails. Ru was making that little noise that Harry thought was a snicker. Ri wasn't snickering. She had just noticed that her tail was now a deep purple with wandering baby-blue specks.

_There's no way he doesn't realize. He has to be messing with us._

Lady was looking at King, wondering if he needed another hug. It would probably be better not to. Even he'd catch on sooner or later. Probably. Still, there wasn't any point in pushing her luck. She'd get him tonight, while he was asleep. That was a lot funnier anyway.

Sadly, Harry figured there was a good chance he was wrong. He was pretty good at reading body language, having developed the skill by trying to avoid his uncle's worst moods, and there was no hint of humor in King's stance. Either the boy really had no sense of humor or he was incredibly dense. Looking at the half-collapsed bench, Harry decided that he was probably pretty dense in at least one sense of the word. How could he be that heavy?

The young boy had always been good at math. He had been good at all his subjects. It would have been easy for him to be at the top of his class, if not for the consequences of outdoing Dudley. Quickly estimating King's total volume and the amount of weight the bench could support, he tried to figure out exactly how dense his new friend was.

The answer came back as, “purple with a hint of cinnamon”.

“Harry, buddy, is that smoke coming out of your ears?” Fred asked in concern. He really didn’t want to be party to another meltdown. At least they knew how to fix him now.

“CinnaPurple, now with sunshine!” Harry responded. He quickly shook his head. “Sorry... did you say something, Fred?”

“No, it's good. I just- Merlin! Ri, what happened to your tail?” Fred asked in horror.

The fox looked at her tail, the tilted her head at George. She was acting for all the world like nothing was odd about it.

“Seriously, it's all powder-blue with some sort of 'blushing bride' spiderweb on it. There's even a little pink spider. It's moving and everything!”

“Blushing bride?” Harry and King asked together.

“What? It's a color!” The twin announced defensively. “It's shade number sixty-one in... ah... what were we talking about again?”

“Blushing bride.” Harry and King prodded.

“Blushing bride? What the heck is blushing bride?”

“Apparently, it is some variety of color.” King informed him.

“Number sixty-one in something.” chimed in Harry.

“Boy, you guys are strange sometimes.” Fred shook his head sadly. “I’m sure I don’t know-”

The Goo apparently saw this moment of distraction as its chance. It reached out for them, effectively ending the conversation. Ripples of black sludge pulled at the edges of the curtain. Thin tentacles bored their way through the obstructing fabric. They stretched out into the cabin with a sickening slurp.

King sighed, quickly stood and gave it an absolutely brutal kick. Harry heard glass breaking. The wall around the former window cracked and splintered in places. The car rocked slightly on its tracks. The Goo let out a desperate wail and tried to grab his leg, but the sheer force of the strike forced the tentacles away. The unnatural sludge went limp, apparently having been knocked senseless by the blow.

“I am normally a strict follower of the tenant, 'live and let live', but attempts to devour our minds and souls will not be tolerated. Now, sit there quietly  and behave yourself until you have learned your lesson. You may share this compartment with us when you can behave in a civilized manner..” the human wrecking-ball chastised. He sat back down, causing the bench's remaining good legs to buckle.

“Holy shit...” George mouthed.

“Can you actually do that? How the heck do you just coldcock a bunch of sludge?” Fred asked. “I mean, it doesn't even have a brain, right? It doesn't even have a head. How do you cause massive head injuries to something that doesn't have a head?”

King shrugged. “It's quite easy, apparently. I'm somewhat surprised you lads didn't do it when the window first broke.”

“The window wasn't a soul-sucking monstrosity when we left.”

“Harry must've done something to it. _He_ should have kicked it into lala land.”

Harry gave them an incredulous look. “It would have _eaten_ me.”

“Nonsense. Even a small lad like yourself should be capable of such a gentle blow.” King announced.

“Ah, I’m pretty sure Harry’s right, King. He’d be a wizard-snack for the nightmare there in a second flat.”

“You know, I wonder what sort of noise that would make?” Fred pondered. “I guess it depends on how it eats you. If it sucks you in and digests you like a snake it’d just be a slurp, but if it dissolved you right away there’d be a ‘hiss’ too. Or it might crush your whole body at once, which would be kind of a ‘squish-crunch’ sound.”

George and Harry had both acquired a notable green tint. Despite their best efforts, they couldn’t help but picture Harry’s demise in graphic detail.

“And that is exactly why Harry must be able to protect himself against such vile crimes against nature and rationality! Harry, stand here!” King ordered, pointing to the area just in front of the Goo.

Harry stared. He didn’t move. It had to be a joke, right?

“Come now, don’t be shy. I assure you that our most unpleasant occupant is sufficiently pacified. Now come and stand before it.”

Harry continued staring and not moving, despite the expectant look King was giving him.

The standoff lasted several second. Finally, it was broken by a dramatic, long-suffering sigh. George gave Harry a weary look and said, “Look, just do it, Harry. King gets like this sometimes. He won’t let it go until you prove you’re not made of pure destruction like he is.”

“I resent that! I simply wish to ensure Harry can defend himself, and that anyone can deliver an adequate kick is properly instructed.”

A derisive snort slipped out of Fred. “Oh, such noble motivations, great and mighty King. You might as well just do it, Harry. He literally will not shut up about it until you do. If it eats you, I’ll say something nice at your funeral. Assuming it doesn’t devour every memory of your mortal existence, that is.”

The evil smirk was quickly wiped from his face. The foxes had been listening to the conversation from up in the luggage rack. With this last comment, it was unanimously agreed that Fred was being a dick. They quickly arranged themselves on the opposite side of the compartment.

Violation: Asshole Allocation Exceeded.

Penalty: Synchronized Facial Mauling.

Harry barely registered the redhead’s pained cry.  He was too busy focusing on the Goo, wary of any reaction as he approached. King’s assessment had been right, however. The mass of evil didn’t even stir. Still watching it warily, he moved to the designated location.

He was standing barely a foot away from it. He was so close he could _smell_ it. It was a bit surprising to discover that ultimate horror smelled like mustard-covered waffles.

“Right!” King said happily. “Now, just give it a good kick!”

Closing his eyes and praying to every deity he’d ever heard of, he did just that. Rearing up on one leg, he thrust his foot forward in the most powerful block he could manage. There was a faint ‘sloop’ noise as he foot hit the curtain. It was like kicking some sort of spongy rubber. Despite the give, the impact was enough to send him tilting backwards.

A hand caught his shoulder, firmly righting and steadying him.

“Oh dear. No wonder you can’t manage a decent blow. You’re doing it all wrong.” King said decisively. “You’ll never put down an eldrich monstrosity like that.”

“You can kick wrong?”

“Of course! Now, raise your knee high, then extend your leg and throw your weight forward. Oh, and be sure to keep your eyes open this time. It helps maintain your balance.”

Harry sighed and examined the Goo. There was a faint impression in the curtain left from his kick, but compared to the dent King had left, it was barely noticeable. The Goo didn’t seem to notice it, at least. It was still hanging limp and unmoving in the window.

It was probably better to just get this over with while it was still incapacitated.

Right leg up, as high as he could manage. Balancing on one foot was surprisingly easy. Then, just lean forward. As soon as your balance shifts, leg goes out.

There was a much more noticeable ‘shloop’ as his foot hit the curtain. This time he managed to stay upright on his own. He dropped his foot, marveling at the dent it had left. It was just a little noticeable, even if you weren’t looking for it.

“Excellent! Yes, that’s very good, for a beginner. Still quite sloppy and unfocused, of course, but far better than before.” King examined the curtain as he spoke. “Still, I think you must a bit further off than it looks. Or, maybe, the atrocity has become more resilient after the first attack?”  
He gently nudged Harry aside and stood before the Goo. Before anyone could stop him (especially Fred, who couldn’t even stop the pair foxes attacking his face), he delivered another mighty blow. This one was, if anything, even fiercer than the first.

There was another tremendous crash. The car tilted even more this time, and Harry could hear metal shrieking as the wheels fought to stay on the track. It was almost enough to drown out the terrified screams from the surrounding cabins.

The wall bulged out even further. The wood veneer tore and splintered so badly that the metal substructure was clearly visible. Lights all over the car flickered and went out for a moment. Pieces of broken window erupted through the curtain, turning it into a hellish landscape of glass fragments.

Unfortunately for Harry, he had still been standing when all this took place. It was more than enough to throw off his balance. Not surprising, considering the _train_ had been thrown of its balance. He gave a startled ‘eep’ as he pitched forward and slammed into the Goo.

As he’d noted before, the substance had taken on a bouncy, rubbery quality. Could that be normal behavior for liquid torment? Perhaps it was some sort of defense mechanism. Either way, bouncing off of it was certainly better than being sucked into it. It didn’t even matter that it had repelled him with considerable force. Harry’d never been so happy to see the floor rushing toward him in his life.

Harry closed his eyes in anticipation.

Instead of taking the compartment floor to the face, he hit something soft.

At some point after he’d closed his eyes, Lady  had ended up beneath him. He wasn’t sure if it was deliberate or she had just fallen out of her seat. Either way, she had quite effectively broken his fall.

Being sprawled across the water elemental’s lap was a strange experience. It was pretty much what he imagined floating on a bowl of gelatin would be like. Except for the fact that a person couldn’t actually float on gelatin, but not a single bit of him was breaking the surface of her body.

Earlier, he’d been pretty sure she was just messing with her master. Now he was certain.

The familiar was staring down at him. Despite her lack of fine facial features, it seemed like she was carefully examining him. Her ‘eyes’ were repeatedly running up and down his body, like she was looking him over in… concern?

“Oh! I’m pretty sure I’m okay. Thank you very much.”

This seemed to be enough to satisfy her. She gave him a brief smile, then suddenly deformed. Water rushed around his body. The liquid buoyed and lifted him, quickly righting him and setting him on his feet. Lady reformed in front of him with her arms around his body, gently pressing his face into her chest.

He was right. That was really cool.

Lady decided that the small boy was, in fact, adorable. While he may not be as cute as her wizard, not by a long shot, he came as close as anyone was likely to. He’d make a good pet.

The remaining occupants of the cabin were staring at King with frozen looks of fear. George was half off his seat, clinging to the armrest so hard his knuckles were white. On the other side, Fred somehow hadn’t moved at all. One of the foxes had been thrown down by his feet. The other was still up by his head, but only because she had her jaws locked around his nose. That was going to leave a mark.

“King. If you edder do dat a den-” Fred started. He was having a bit of trouble talking due to the rather nasty vulpine infestation on his lip.

“-we don’t even know how we’ll do it,-” George continued.

Together, they finished, “-but we’re throwing you off the train.”

“Gentlemen, I do believe you’re overreacting. It was just a bit of a kick.”

“Bift sof a kick my bollofs. Damn if! Fould you let go?” Fred protested. Ru, suddenly realizing she still had a mouthful of wizard lip, quickly complied. “Thank you. Seriously, King, lay off the train. Dying with you blokes isn’t my idea of a good time. I’d like to outlive my brother, at the very least.”

“Well, you’re on the wrong side of the cabin, brother. Chances are the Express hits a mountain front-first. I’ll still be flying through the air while you’re getting cozy with the terrain.”

“Honestly, Red, is it entirely necessary for the two of you at act like I’m some sort of mobile catastrophe? I grow a bit weary of your constant insistence that I am a disaster waiting to happen!” King snapped. He threw an arm to the side in a gesture of disgust.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten how close Harry was standing.

Lady reacted with incredible speed, flowing around his body even as he watch the other boy’s hand approach. She managed to reform on his other side just as King’s knuckles connected. Even with Lady between them, it was like getting hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.  It was more than enough the physically throw him to the side.

George managed to scramble out of his seat and dive over to the other one. It was a good thing, because Harry hit the bench _hard_. He didn’t even want to think what it would have felt like without Lady taking the hit. Flipped partway over by the blow, he ended up arse over teakettle in the seat. His legs were sticking up towards the luggage rack, giving him a rather nice view of the floor.

There was a screech and a snap. The seat, already heavily damaged by King, finally decided holding together wasn’t worth the effort.  Harry received a slight thump to the head as it dropped him to the carpet. He was bounced out of the seat, taking Lady with him as he spilled to the floor.

King looked down in surprise as Harry came to a halt against his legs. “I say, Harry, what in the world are you doing down there?”

_Does he even realize he hit me?_ Harry wondered. He supposed it would make sense if he didn’t. Would the Express notice if it ran over a particularly small squirrel? “I… think I know why Lady’s made of water…”

The older wizard watched curiously as he familiar flowed together kneeling next to Harry. She gave him a quick lookover, then turned to stare at her master. “She’s made of water because she is a water elemental, Harry. We were just discussing this earlier.”

“Nooo…” Harry protested. In truth, he was feeling a bit fuzzy, both from the constant chaos he’d endured since this morning and from the recent hit to the head. “No, that’s not why at all. She’s made of water because water’s hard to break.”

There was a nod of confirmation from the familiar.  There’d been several times since her summoning when she’d been very grateful for her lack of a skeletal structure.

“Yes… well… I suppose that is true. I am not really sure what that has to do with anything, though. Are you quite alright, Harry? You’re looking a bit piqued.” King frowned as he looked the boy over. He had already looked like a stiff wind might break him, but now he had a distinctly dazed look about him. “Here, let me help you up.”

“King! Don't!” the twins shouted together.

King reached down to help Harry to his feet. It was like watching a meteor descend from the sky, straight at your face.

Luckily, a curve in the track sent Lady and Harry sloshing to the side. King couldn't react in time. The turn caused him to lose his balance and slam his hand into the floor. The wood and steel structure may as well have been cardboard. Kings hand went straight through it, burying his arm up to the elbow. There were several rapid crunches, the sound of railroad ties breaking against King's knuckles.

He yanked his hand out of the floor and gave it a sour look. His knuckles were rather severely abraded. “Well, that's somewhat annoying, isn't it? I don't supposed anyone has a first-aid kit? It would be very impolite to spread blood around the compartment.”

Three boys, two foxes and a water elemental turned to stare at the Goo. It was still a bit dazed, rippling weakly under the filthy and glass-torn curtain. They observed the twisted and half-detached luggage rack. There was also the warped, collapsed seat and new hole in the floor to consider. Then, finally, they all looked at the devastated outer wall of the compartment. Chunks of it were flapping and even blowing away in the wind, making it look even worse as time went on.

George decided, “King, I’m thinking a couple of drops of blood aren’t a big deal at this point.”

“You _bleed_ ?” Fred asked in shock. “Merlin, that kind of scares me. If _you_ can _bleed_ , what’s that mean for the rest of us?”

“Red, I don’t-”

The door to the compartment slammed open, cutting him off. A young girl in Hufflepuff robes stuck her head in. “Hey,” she said, “you guys seen Harry Potter around? He's supposed to be somewhere on the train, but we can't find him.”

The witch froze. It looked like a bomb had gone of in the compartment. A first year was laying on the floor with an older student looming over him. The older boy was holding his bruised and bloodied fist. Some sort of creature made of water was cowering in the corner, staring at a gaping hole in the floor with a look of horror on her face. A pair of identical wizards were sprawled together on one bench, their match familiars looking down on them with interest.

And she was pretty sure something was watching her from behind the curtain.

“What the hell?”

George detangled himself from his brother. “Hmm? Looking for Harry Potter, are we? Well, that’s good news, then! If you’re looking for Harry Potter…” He started to gesture towards Harry, the froze for a split second. The younger boy was still on the ground. He was staring at the witch in horror. George quickly continued his motion, turning it into a dismissive sweep.  “...you’re completely out of luck!”

The witch blinked. “What?”

“He said you’re in the wrong place. No this compartment’s about as hairy as our chins.:

“You’re certain Harry Potter isn’t here?” She asked, narrowing her eyes in suspicion. The younger one looked about the right age, and his bangs were making it hard to see his forehead...

George leaned over and ruffled Harry's hair. By sheer coincidence, this forced it further down his forehead. “Sure isn’t. It’s just us brothers, the king of calamity and our good friend Ivan O. Philur.””

She studied the first year. “Ivan O. Philur?”

“Sorry, I don't think you have the right equipment.” Fred said sadly.

George smiled cheerfully. “But buck up, huh? I here there’s stores that can help with that kind of thing.”

She gave them a confused look. They had told her to avoid this compartment. They had warned her that some sort of ranting nutcase was here. Clearly they had been right. Whatever had gone on in here… it had been wholly unnatural.

She wouldn’t have even come looking here, but it was one of the last place he could be. If she wanted to get in good with the famous first year, she had to find him quick. Other witches had the same idea.

Catch him now while he's young and impressionable. Get the... fruits... of the plan when he gets older.

“Right... Sorry to bother you... I'll just leave now.” she slid the the door shut and got the hell outta Dodge.

“Wait!” Fred called after her. “Come back! I might be hairy in places! I’ll let you check!”

King gave the twins a confused stare. “Harry is clearly here. He is sitting right in front of you. Why would you tell her-”

“Okay Harry...”

“...what gives?”

“You looked like you were about to flip out there.”

“I'm not good with people.” Harry admitted. He sat up and took a couple of deep, calming breaths. “When Hagrid brought me to Diagon Alley, they were all around me. They wouldn't leave me alone, all because of something I don't remember doing. I'm not a hero, I'm Harry.”

It kind of made sense. Fred and George were well aware that excessive attention was a pretty major burden. How were you supposed to get away with anything with so many eyes on you? Given his reputation, Harry was sure to be judged for everything he did. It would only get worse as he got older.

The other boys were impressed that he realized how unpleasant fame could be. Ron would be marching around the train, proclaiming his greatness and demanding every love him.

Fred began, “Don't worry, Harry.”

“If someone comes looking for you...”

“..we'll tell 'm to screw off.” the finished together.

King cleared his throat loudly. “While I would not use such vulgar terms, I believe it would be acceptable to divert those that come searching for you.”

Lady nodded enthusiastically. She turned towards the door and opened her arms, as if offering someone there a hug. Ri and Ru chuckled on the seat behind her.

“Thanks. I-”

There was a loud pounding on the door. Before they could answer, it slammed open. A fifth year Ravenclaw pushed her way into the compartment. “We've been looking for the boy-who-lived. Have you seen Harry?”

Unlike the first, this witch was so focused that she hardly seemed to notice the state of the compartment.

“Oh, Harry's right over there.” George announced. He pointed straight at Harry.

Harry's mouth dropped open in shock. _He just said..._

“That's Harry Potter?” She said, raising an eyebrow. He was a bit scrawny, but he'd surely fill out.

Fred shook his head. “Oh, no. I'm afraid there's been a bit of a miscommunication. This isn't Harry Potter. This strapping young lad is our fine friend, Harry Balzak!”

“He may not be famous, but the guy really knows how to hang out.”

“He's a blast at parties. You should grab him next time you go to one.”

The Ravenclaw stared at the pair. They were clearly morons. This was why she normally didn't associate with people outside of her house. “I'm afraid I'll pass.” she said coldly. “I'm quite sure I'm not looking for a Harry Balzak.”

“Well, you could always try some cream and a razor.” George reasonably suggested.

The witch gave him a last, confused look before she slammed the door shut and marched down the hall.

The twins watched her go. Disbelief was written all over their faces. Weren't Ravenclaws supposed to be clever? Did she honestly not realize what she had said. Either way...

Both twins collapsed into a seat, laughing hysterically. The foxes seemed to be having some sort of strange seizure again. They had rolled down onto the seat and were lying there, shaking. Lady's body looked like the ocean when a hurricane passed over it. Harry suspected that fear of the hole in the floor was the only thing that let her keep her shape.

King's face was blank. His confused gaze swept around the compartment. “My friends... is there something wrong? I seemed to have missed something.”

Harry was also confused. It seemed everyone else was too busy laughing to explain the joke.

“I understand that something amusing has happened, but I'm afraid I don't quite understand. She simply said... does it have something to do with the name you used? Is Harry Balzak somehow invoked?”

This had the effect of making the twins and familiars laugh twice as hard.

“This is absurd. What is so funny about Hairy Balzak? I just can't seem to grasp it.”

Harry was starting to get worried. He was pretty sure someone was going to hurt something soon. A person should not be able to laugh that hard. Fred's face was turning purple. . He was pretty sure the furry twins had lost all control of their bodies. Little drips of water were falling off Lady and splashing onto the carpet.

Harry quickly whipped off his sweatshirt and jammed it in the hole. He really didn’t want one of his few friends getting flushed down the drain.

All this over Harry Balzak?

The door slid open. A confused looking witch leaned in. “Uh, am I interrupting something?”

King shook his head and sighed. “Most likely, but I'm afraid I can't tell you quite what it is.”

“Okay... so... I don't suppose you guys know where Harry Potter is? I've been up and down the train, trying to find him.” She asked nervously. She’d been so confident before, intending to throw open the door and demand answers, but now….

What was that strange whispering in the back of her head? She was pretty sure she wasn’t actually _hearing_ anything.

“I'm afraid not. It has just been us in this compartment for the entirety of this trip. I, the twin fools and my friend and comrade, Dick Steele.” King said.

“Oh. Well... carry on with... whatever.” she said slowly. She carefully backed out of the compartment and closed the door.

Both sets of twins were staring at King with obvious looks of amazement on their face. George shook his head in disbelief. “King... Did you seriously just tell a joke? Did you really just mess with that girl'?”

“I did no such thing.” King said. He was clearly annoyed. “I simply told her that Harry was Dick Steele.”

“That's what I mean, man. Dick Steele! You said Harry was Dick Steele. I wish I had thought of that one. Dick Steele is great!'

King perked up. He happily said, “Oh! I was not aware that you knew Richard. What an interesting coincidence. He is an excellent fellow, isn't he?”

“...huh?”

“Well, the Steele’s have long been friends to the King’s. They are all quite admirable people. Dick as among the finest.”

All signs of amusement drained from the twin's faces. “Hold up. You actually know someone named Dick Steele? That's why you said that?”

“Why of course. I'm a bit uncomfortable using his name as part of this deception. Under the circumstances, I'm sure Dick would approve.”

“Damn it, King. We thought you finally grew a sense of humor.” The twins looked defeated. The foxes were still laughing, though.”

“So you thought I had made a joke. I don't... oh. It was the name again, wasn't it?” King rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “So there is something funny about Dick Steele?”

“I... you know what? Never mind. It's not worth the effort.” George muttered. They’d been over this before, and it was like trying to explain arithmancy to a goat.

“You keep calling Fred and George Red. Why?” Harry asked suddenly. Given the was George was rubbing the bridge of his nose, a change of subject might be in order.

King nodded smugly. “You see, it's quite simple Harry. They-”

The door suddenly slid open, interrupting King. “Hey, is Harry Potter in here?”

George shook his head and answered, “Nope. Just us and Sawyer Snatch.”

The girl closed the door with a sour look.

Poor King tried to answer Harry's question again and again, but it seemed it was not meant to be. The compartment door would slam open every time he opened his mouth. It seemed like every witch third year and up had the same idea: get their claws into Harry Potter while he was still young. Most of them just wanted the famous wizard for themselves. Quite a few wanted to see how large the Potter vaults were.

George and Fred seemed to be enjoying the situation. The kept turning the searching witches away, branding Harry with more creative and obscene names as time went by. Fred was particularly fond of “Don Keedik” while George seemed to enjoy “Holden Hiskok”.

King apparently wanted to tell his story quite badly. Either that, or he just really hated being interrupted. He just plowed ahead, stubbornly starting over each time the compartment door closed. It probably didn’t help that Fred and George were having more and more difficulty containing their laughter as time went on.

Neither Harry nor King quite understood what was so funny. Harry was just a bit too young for that humor. He didn't have much experience with jokes in general, unless the punchline was a literal punch. In many ways King was even worse. The teenage titan just seemed to have no understanding of comedy.

His familiar didn't have the same problem. Lady had collapsed into a oddly shaped ball of wildly rippling water quite a while ago. The foxes weren't doing any better. Several minutes of sustained hysterical laughter caught up with Ru. She hyperventilated and passed out, causing her sister to laugh even harder. Ri's Cauldron Cake tainted tail was rapidly changing color with each sharp yip.

Every time King had to restart his sentence, his voice would get a little louder. It was a bit strange to see the calm and quiet boy raising his voice. It was even more amazing to see the vein above his eyebrow becoming more and more visible. Harry didn't even know that could happen. He was pretty sure it was actually throbbing in time with the boy's pulse. If that was the case, his heartrate was rapidly approaching frightening levels.

“King, man, maybe you should give it a rest.” George gently suggested. He tried to subtly wipe the tear tracks off his face.

Fred nodded. “Yeah. It's not really that important. Just tell him later.”

“That is unacceptable. When you are asked a question, it is only to polite to answer it quickly.” King scowled. He was still standing, not trusting the remaining intact bench. “Now, once again, I-”

The door slid open.

King's right eyebrow spammed violently. His hand tightened around the luggage rack, mangling the metal structure. Harry could _hear_ his teeth grinding together.

The walking tank whirled around and roared, “ _THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER!”_

Ru shot across the floor in a panic, actually managing to claw her way straight up the wall. Ri bounced, kicked off Harry's chest and shot upwards. The impact knocked Harry into the intact seat. The sudden shout caused Fred to stumble in shock. He slipped on some junk food wrappers and fell. Luckily, his face broke his fall. George's body slammed down on him an instant later. A panicked water elemental slammed into the wall so hard she lost her form. The goo in the window squealed in horror.

Harry looked around in shock. There was a fox peering out from inside a trunk. It looked like she had clawed her way in, making a small hole in the wood. The other furry familiar was clinging to the roof. Fred and George were tangled up on the floor. Their legs had somehow ended up wedged under the broken seat. Lady was a puddle. Harry’s sweatshirt had fallen out of the hole, leaving the panicking familiar to desperately try to flow away from it.

Quickly sliding out of his seat, Harry shoved his hand into the familiar. She gratefully flowed up his arm.

The Hufflepuff prefect standing in the door had gone completely pale. She was staring at the younger student in fear.

“I... just... wanted to tell... time... change...” she managed to squeak out.

King's body subtly shifted. He went from 'unstoppable engine of violence' to his normal, passive demeanor in the time it took Harry to blink. “Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. It would be very embarrassing if we did not have time to change.” He said gratefully. “Oh, my dear, are you alright? You do not look well...”

“I think I just peed myself.”

“How very unpleasant. You had better go get changed. You wouldn't want to arrive at Hogwarts with wet robes.” King sympathetically said.

The witch continued to stare at King in fear.

King gave her a confused look in return.

Finally, she whispered, “Can... can I go now?”

“Of course. You hardly need my-”

“Thankyoufornoteatingme!” she squealed as she escaped down the hall.

“Well, that was very odd...”

Fred, still face down, worked something around in his mouth. With a disgusted gag, he managed to eject some sort of wrapper. It left a nasty taste behind. He really hoped it wasn't a Cauldron Cake wrapper. “George? Is that you?”

“I'm fairly sure it's me. It might be you, though. Sometimes I'm not sure who is who.”

“This damn trash is a pretty nasty hazard. It got you too, huh?” Fred asked.

“Nope!” cheerfully answered George.

“The what are you doing on top of me?”

“Oh, well, everyone else was flying all over the place. It looked fun.”

“I hate you so much, brother.”

“Consider this payback. We're even now.”

The taste in Fred's mouth was getting worse. It tasted like asphalt and shame. “I think I just ate a Cauldron Cake package. I can still taste it.”

“Oh Merlin! Fred, I'm so sorry. If I'd know, I would never have...”

“My face hurts. It hurts a lot.”

“That's because you're laying on it. So am I, for that matter.”

“Could you get up? I'd really like to get my face outta the carpet. It smells funny down here. I think the wrapper might be rolling back towards my face.”

George gave a small, embarrassed chuckle. “I'd love to. I seem to have stuffed my legs under a seat, though. Yours are down there too, actually.”

“I was wondering what that unpleasant splintery feeling was. I was hoping it wasn't splinters. It's splinters, isn't it?”

“Sure is. Luckily you shielded me from the worst of it.”

“Damn it. I'm going to make you-”

“Oh dear!” exclaimed King. He had just noticed the twins lying on the floor. “How did you get down there, Red? You seem to be in a bit of a predicament.”

“Bit of a funny story, mate.”

“We were dodging an angry bull.”

King's brow furrowed in confusion. “But all of the large familiars are in the back cars. I'm very sure I would have noticed a bull...”

“I'm not so sure, King.”

“Regardless, we can't have you rolling around in a pile of trash. Allow me!”

“ _King! No!_ ” the twins screamed. George began flailing in a wild attempt to free his legs. It was driving Fred's face into the carpet. Fred just urged his brother on, yell at him to push harder. Ignoring the abrasions and scratches, he did just that. He could see his fox clinging to the ceiling above him. She looked like a woman that had recently become a widow.

“Honestly, such determination to save me a bit of effort. Sometimes you truly admirable. Still, I assure you that it's not trouble. I'll have you up in just a moment.

George whimpered. His brother seemed to be praying under his breath.

King reached down with one hand and tried to lever the bench up a bit. Unsurprisingly, the entire thing was ripped straight out of the floor. He gave it a confused look, then casually tossed it to the side. Luckily, Lady was still wrapped around Harry's torso. She used her weight to slam him down into a seat, narrowly avoiding the furniture as King swung it around. There was a panicked shriek as it slammed into the Goo. Most of the bench vanished with a slurp.

Something very large vanishing into something much smaller was one of those things that was never going to stop amazing Harry. All that remained of the seat was four jagged legs sticking out of the vile mass. Even as he watched, a few more inches disappeared with a nasty sucking sound.

“Thanks...” he muttered.

George sighed in relief. That actually hadn't been too bad. It could have been much worse. The train took another hit, but at least no one got hurt.

“Now, to get you back on your feet.” King announced.

George whimpered. Why had he even thought that? How could he have been so stupid. Challenging the fates - even if just in your own mind - never ended well.

King's hand closed tightly around the front of George's collar. The fabric made a strange sumushing sound as it was crushed in the vice-like grip. Even as George opened his mouth to protest, he could see the muscles along King’s arm tightening in preparation. There was no stopping it now, not even if he managed to get the words out. Not that the other boy would listen, regardless. All he could do was hope to Merlin that the front of his worn shirt gave out.

It didn’t.

Attempting to lift George to his feet, King gave a gentle tug. George was yanked off the ground so fast that it snatched the air from his lungs. He got a good look at King’s startled face as he went by, the human disaster’s grip on his collar whipping him around in a arc. His feet slammed into the ceiling, slamming a new pair of dents into the wood. He winced as he felt a dozen or so bits of wood drive themselves into his flesh.

And _now_ his shirt decided to rip. Suddenly he was flying free, no longer anchored to a giant in a teen’s clothing. That odd feeling of momentary weightlessness filled him with fear and resignation. It was perfectly obvious what was going to happen. The expansion charms made the cabin abnormally big, after all, but it wasn’t _that_ big. All he could do was close his eyes and grit his teeth.

As expected, he hammered face-first into the wall. It involved quite a bit more force than he was strictly comfortable with. The wood flexed and fractured under the impact, giving way to his face. Unfortunately, he was pretty sure some parts of his face paid the same consideration to the wall.

There was a collection of muffled screams from the other side of the wall. George hung there comically for a moment, then fell down into the intact seat next to Harry. He slumped there, downside up, and blearily up at the impression his face had left in the wall.

He couldn’t help but wonder if It’d gotten his freckles right.

King stared at the wall blankly. He really, really hadn’t meant to do that. We knew the twins were abnormally light for boys their size, but it always caught him off guard. He took heart in the fact that George was just fine, however. The redhead hadn’t even gone _through_ the wall. That’s when it started to hurt.

He turned his gazed down towards Fred, who was still on the floor. The third-year must have felt it, because he suddenly stiffened and started praying under his breath.

_Just make it quick. Quick and painless would be nice, but quick is fine._

King’s hand closed on the back of Fred’s waistband. Eyes widening in horror, Fred tried to shriek out a protest.

An unnatural amount of force was applied to the back of his trousers. It was more than enough to haul him off the ground, tightening his underwear violently around his crotch. Whatever words he had been about to speak were lost in a shrill scream. King had again misjudged his strength, pulling Fred around in nearly the same short twist George had followed. The mighty boy was (for some reason) so startled by this that he released Fred mid-flight.

Fred slammed in the wall,  his face impacting dead-center in the dent his brother had left. This time the wall decided that enough was enough. Fred’s face plowed right through it, erupting into the next compartment in a hail of splinters.

This time there was no mistaking the panicked cries from the next cabin.

Harry carefully reached up and gave his friend a good tug, dislodging his friend from the wall. Fred dropped bonelessly into the seat with him, opposite George.

“Hey, did you know Aila’s hair really _is_ that black?” Fred said hazily.

“Really?” George asked. It was a bit hard to hear him, considering he was trying to fish a bit of wood out from between his teeth.” “I sorta figured she used Mervin’s Mystical Hair Colorification Compound.”

“Nah. Not unless he get carpet when she does the drapes.”

“Ha.”

King surveyed the results of his handiwork.

Okay, so Fred had actually gone through the wall. That wasn’t ideal, but it had been a really thin, wooden wall. It wasn’t like it was stone or brick. He’d be just fine, minus the little bits of wood in his face. As King understood, those could be quite annoying. Not that he knew first-hand. He’d never known the joy of a splinter, papercut, stubbed toe or covert Lego ambush.

Lucky bastard.

“There now. That was simple to fix, wasn't it?” King happily declared. Overall, he’d have to say that his had been a rousing success. Nothing made him happier than helping his friends.

The twins looked at each other. They both looked like they had been run over by a truck.

“Thanks, King.” they said together.

“Oh, no worries. It's never a problem at all.”

Fred rubbed his face. He had a feeling it was going to look a lot worse than Harry's. He really wanted to check his other injury, but that would have been a bit inappropriate. Someone might get the wrong idea if they walked in and found him sitting next to a first-year with his hand down his pants.

“Damn.” he whispered out the side of his mouth. “We didn't even get off the train.”

“I've got a bad feeling about this year.” George declared. “Maybe we could borrow some of Lee's... what was it?”

“Razors-wire, I think.”

“Right. Put it up around our beds. Maybe some wood spikes.”

“Doesn't seem to help Lee very much.”

“Maybe we could fit in a pendulum?”

“Then where would we put the pit?”

Harry watched King happily rifling through his trunk. He interrupted the debate on strategic anti-roommate defenses with, “Ah, does that happen a lot?”

“Well... let's just say that if King offers to help you...”

“...it would be best to politely decline.”

“Then run away screaming.”

“And brace yourself. You probably won't get far enough.”

King yanked the other trunks down off the luggage rack, mangling the metal structure on accident. Ru just barely managed to launch back out of her hiding place in time. The trunks hit the floor, adding a few dents to the preexisting hole.

“Well then, we'd better get changed, then” He announced.

Harry looked around the compartment. It was pretty badly trashed. “Wouldn't it be better to go somewhere else?” he asked. Between the wrappers, splinters, sharp bits of metal and the hole in the floor, he wasn't certain they were safe here anymore.

Lady was still engulfing his upper body. He got the feeling she was fearfully watching the hole.

The twins exchanged glances. “Not so sure that's a great idea, Harry. You think you can hide your scar while you're changing?”

Harry was pretty sure he couldn't. He didn't really want to deal with all those people that only cared about the boy-who-lived. He was Harry, not some sort of incredible mythological legend. Anyway, if he was the only survivor, what in the world made people think they knew what had happened.

And then there was the other problem...

Harry nodded.

“Great! Nasty, goo-infested, completely trashed compartment of pain it is!”

“Now then, ladies, if you would be so kind!” King said, motioning towards the door. The foxes hopped right out, but it took some convincing to get Lady off of Harry. She only agreed to leave when they convinced her that there were less death-holes out in the hall.

She couldn't leave fast enough.

Harry dragged his trunk around to where the second seat had been previously. He was actually glad that the place had been so badly damaged. He could position himself in a corner of the surprisingly large compartment. He could position himself in a corner, open trunk in front of him.

Fred and George had to try and deal with a splintered floor. The damaged luggage rack hung over them ominously. King was forced to change back near the eldritch horror. The mass of mind-twisting terror didn't seem inclined to bother him again, but he was watching it closely.

No one was likely to see him changing.

He quickly pulled out his new school robes. Underclothes, socks and a tie were about harder to located. He had fished all the necessary accoutrements. He was about to haul his shirt off when he saw it.

There was a tiny elephant under the intact seat. It was an utterly bizarre thing to find there, but it had all the elephant things that an elephant should have. There was a gray elephant body, a little elephant tail, an elephant trunk and elephant ears. The ears were disproportionately large, but it was definitely an elephant. It even had a large, ugly bow. Harry wasn't sure if that was an elephant thing, but it seemed to fit.

It was just scaled down to 1/100th of a proper elephant's size.

It had noticed him watching it. It waggled its ears and gave him a friendly wave with its trunk.

All Harry could think of to do was wave back.

It seemed the elephant considered this an invitation. It came marching out from beneath the seat and looked around curiously. Spying the small pile of uneaten snacks, it quickly scampered across the compartment. Its path took it through the Graveyard of Eaten Snacks. The small creature made quite a racket as it plowed through the pile of wrappers.

Harry quickly looked at the other boys.

King had his blazer half off. He seemed to be quite occupied with chastising the Goo for something, talking to it and giving the protruding chair legs a few good whacks. The Goo seemed to be trying to pull away with every hit, but was stuck fast in the window.. The twins were involved in their own argument, one of the small disagreements they seemed to have. It seemed George had accidentally put on Fred's dirty shirt, while Fred had placed his clean clothes into his brother's trunk. Now they had no idea who belonged to what and whether or not it was clean.

No one was paying the elephant any mind.

_Look at the elephant._ Harry tried to transmit directly into George's mind. _Look at the elephant. Say something about the elephant. Let Harry know he's not crazy._

The elephant tossed several unopened packages aside. With a triumphant toot, it lifted a packaged high into the air. Harry could barely read, “Popping Peanuts” emblazoned on the package. The creature was waving its trunk around madly, swinging the snack in the air.

No one payed any attention to the elephant in the room.

It threw the package down and began wrestling with it. Unfortunately, it had absolutely no way to rip the package open. Elephants were totally lacking in thumbs or sharp claws. That made it hard for the little thing to make any progress. It would grip the treat with its trunk, but that was about it.

Harry reached down and grabbed the package. The elephant gave an angry squeal. He smiled at it, tore open the wrapper and upended it onto the floor. A handful of small treats in a variety of colors bounced onto the carpet.

Hey, it seemed like the polite thing to do. No reason to be rude just because it was a hallucination.

It gave him another ear-waggle, waving its trunk happily. It marched right over and picked up a red bit of candy. Harry supposed they were some sort of candy-coated nuts. The elephant examined it closely, then popped it into it's mouth.

Elephantine eyes bulged. Its entire body turned red for a split-second. Thick, red smoke shot out of its trunk. Strangest of all, a six-inch jet of red flame shot out of its rear. It sighed, then immediately fell upon the remaining nuts.

At this point, Harry wouldn't be surprised to learn he was seeing tiny, fire-farting pachyderms that weren't there. At this point, Harry wouldn't be surprised to learn wizards thought explosive candy that burned a hole in your pants was a good idea. He wondered which it was.

Blue flame.

Orange flame.

Green flame.

Orange again.

Another orange. It must like those ones.

Fred glanced over at Harry. He was starting to look a little dazed again. They knew how to fix him, but that didn't mean it was healthy for him to flip out.

“Hey, Harry. What's up?”

“...elephant...”

Fred blinked and looked around. “Harry, what's this about an elephant?”

“...elephant in room...”

Scratching his head, Fred took another look around. He was pretty sure he would have noticed an elephant the first time, but it never hurt to be sure. “Ah, Harry, I'm pretty sure there's no elephant's around. They're kinda hard to miss, what with being too big to even fit in here.”

“ _Elephant!_ ” Harry insisted. He reached down and snatched up the small creature, pulling it from the concealing pile of trash. It gave an annoyed squawk and tried to kick him. “Elephant. Here in hands.” He held up the creature for Fred to examine.

“Oh. Wonderful.” Fred sighed.

“What in the world is...” King turned from his conversation with the Goo. He caught sight of the elephant. His face went completely white and he shrieked like a little girl. He leaped backwards far faster than should be possible for a boy of his mass. Crashing into the door, he caused it to warp and spray shattered glass out into the hall. The blow spun him around, putting him face to face with the elephant again. He screeched again.

King dove and hid under the functional seat, the same one the elephant had been under. It was really quite impressive. The gap beneath the piece of furniture was only a little more than a foot high. King, on the other hand, was considerably more than a foot wide. He slammed into the floor, which made a frightening cracking noise, then rolled straight into the little gap. The seat buckled and bent, but stayed more-or-less intact and attached to the floor.

He began to rock back and forth, eliciting a variety of unpleasant noise from the wood and metal furniture.

George rolled his eyes. “Oh, man. That stupid thing again? Great, as if this wasn't enough of a pain, now we're gonna have to calm King down.”

“Harry, that's not an elephant. That's a Trunk-Faced Squealer. It's the conductor's familiar. She lets it wander around the train and bum treats off students.” Fred gave the beast a rather rough rub on the head. The evil grin and annoyed squeal suggest he wasn’t doing it because he liked the creature. “Dunno what its actual name is. We all just call it Dumb-Bow, because of it dumb bow she makes him wear.”

“Oh... I guess that makes sense...” Harry decided. “Uh, what's up with King?”

George shook his head sadly. “Sometimes muggleborns flip out. Coming into the magical world all of a sudden stresses them out, I guess. They seem okay at first, but then something little makes them go nuts. They're usually fine after that, but most of them have some kinda permanent problem because of it.”

Fred gave King a few good prods. King didn't seem to notice. “King lost it when he saw Dumb-Bow in our first year. Now anything with a trunk or big, floppy ears  scares the heck outta him. He's a lot worse with the Squealer, though.”

“It's sorta strange. It can be pretty much anything that sets them of. There was a guy a few years older than us that started laughing hysterically anytime he saw a Chocolate Frog card.”

“What about Aila? She never opens her eyes the whole time she’s  on the train. Her house mates even have to lead her to the bathroom.”

“There was even that one guy that actually liked Cauldron Cakes. There’s definitely some things worse thand death, and I’m pretty sure that’s one of them. Not even a good mind-healer can save you at that point.”

“Yeah, it does some strange stuff. Like tumbleweeds sending someone on a one-way trip to la-la land.” Fred nodded sagely. “It's pretty... uh.. Harry?”

“What?”

“You didn't happen to eat some Popping Peanuts, did you?”

Harry looked down at the empty package. The twins were both staring at it and looking pretty worried. “No, I didn't. The little elephant wanted them.”

“You fed Dumb-Bow Popping Peanuts?”

“Uh, yeah. Is that bad?” Harry asked, concerned. He was worried that he had hurt the little thing. “They won't hurt him, will they?”

“Not really, I guess. But you should probably put him down. Quickly. Popping Peanuts tend to-”

There was a noise like a trombone clogged was jelly. It was low, wet and long. Harry felt something splatter against his legs. A _lot_ of something.

“-loosen things up a bit.” George finished. “Ah, well. At least you haven't changed yet, right?”

Harry couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts. He was going to take _two_ long showers.


	4. Harry Potter and the Compartment of Doom

AKA:

“Goo Gone Wild”

 

* * *

 

 

Harry didn't know who had supervised the planning and construction of the railway to Hogwarts, but he was going to find out. He was going to find them and he was going to make them very sad. He really didn't know how he was going to do either of those things. He'd be learning magic, though. He was sure something useful would come up eventually. Even if it didn’t, he had a long life in front of him. He was the merits of dedicating the whole thing to finding and making that one person miserable.

The last leg of the journey passed through a rather large mountain range.

Muggles had solved the problem of the train-blocking mountain almost two centuries ago. Did some foolish, inconsiderate rock decide to take a nap where you want to lay some track? Drill some holes and blow it to hell! If the rock is too big to just blow apart, you bring more TNT and try again. If the rock is a mountain, you bring _lots_ of TNT and blast that sucker until it cries like a sissy. Certainly not the most elegant of solutions, but it sure was effective.

Rocks are dicks, anyway. It's always good to remind them who's in charge.

Mountains should have been even easier for wizards to deal with. Enchant the train so it can just fly over them. Teleport it past the obstructions. Make it phase straight through the rock. Turn the entire mountain into custard and summon a flock of sugar-addicted flying moose.

Or, at the very least, just blow a damn hole in the thing. How could wizards not have figured out such a simple solution?. There _had_ to be spells that blew holes in things. Harry would stake his life, mind and very soul on it. Some bored wizard, at some point in history, must have said, “I'm bored. You know, I really like blowing stuff up!”. So someone in this god-forsaken society must be capable of creating tunnels at least as effectively as muggle construction workers.

The train suddenly rocked on its tracks, making a tight turn to swerve _around_ another mountain.

 _Very, very sad..._ Harry thought.

George yelped and nearly lost his footing on a empty package of Insta-Ice mints. He slid the short distance across the cabin on one foot, leaving a trail of frost. Dumb-Bow squealed gleefully. The little creature darted past George, easily avoiding his flailing limbs.

It nearly leaped right into Fred's waiting arms. Neither twin thought George would actually grab the beast, so Fred had been waiting to cut off his escape. It was very, very obvious that they’d played this little game before.

The Squealer's eyes widened as it saw where it was headed. Fred grinned. It was an expression that promised pain and untold suffering. The wood protruding from various parts of his face just made it that much more horrifying.

The train turned to the right, pitching Fred off his feet. Eyes widening in horror, he spun towards one of the jagged bench legs still sticking out of the goo. The ragged metal shone in the light, edges glistening eagerly.

“Oh sh-”

Harry darted forward and gave Fred's torn pants a good yank. The Weasley gasped as his already abused crotch was put through the wringer again. Light as he was, Harry had still thrown his whole weight into the tug. A pained gasp escaped the Weasley’s lips, but, Harry set his feet and kept pulling. He could only assume that whatever pain his friend was suffering would be better than turning into a shishkabob for the Goo.

He didn't weigh much compared to the larger wizard, but it was enough to change his heading a bit. Fred hit the curtain with a relieved sigh.

Then the Goo tried to suck him in.

Unnoticed by the wizards, the bench had pushed a large chunk of the curtains into the Goo when it hit. Now there was barely a foot of curtain left on either side of the window. The rest was just pure, liquid evil. Fred had managed to land on the small stirp of curtain, but that left him right next to the exposed Goo.

Either the Goo knew King was out of commission or Fred was just too tempting of a treat to pass up. A pair of black tentacles erupted from the main mass, waving obscenely into air and sprouting small tentacles of their own. One of them managed to find Fred’s arm. It whipped around, locking his arm in an inch-thick shackle of doom.

Suddenly the potentially lethal metal spikes seemed like a very good thing. For whatever the reason, the goo seemed unable to completely devour the seat. The very thing that had just nearly ended Fred's life gave him something to grab onto. There wasn't much to grab that wasn't razor-sharp and jagged, but it was better than nothing. That and Harry's fruitless pulling were all that stood between him and the sludge of doom.

“I don't wanna get goo'd! I don't wanna get goo'd!” Fred screamed desperately.

George recovered from this stumble in time to see his brother being dragged to a fate worse than death. He quickly lunged forward and grabbed Fred by the front of his pants. Throwing his body back, George pushed off with all the strength his legs could muster. At the same time, Fred twisted and drove his arm against the sharp metal. The tendril snapped and Fred was released with a slurping sound.

It was a good thing the curtains had been between him and the Goo. Harry didn’t even want to think about what would have happened had Fred just slammed straight into the horror. He probably would have been gone before anyone could stop it.

That thought did not make him happy. Not at all.

Dumb-Bow leaped across the compartment, letting loose a mocking squeal.

He never saw Harry's fist coming. It slammed dead-center into the creature's face. The blow from the small boy packed an impressive amount of power. Just like how King had shown him to kick, he threw the full weight of his small body into it. Dumb-Bow shot backwards and hit the center of the damaged compartment door. It barely slowed down, crashing on through in a shower of wooden shrapnel. It continued on to punch a Squealer-sized entry point into the compartment across the hall. The occupants screamed at the sudden arrival of a high-velocity pachyderm.

The twins were gaping at Harry in shock.

“I'm so sorry!” Harry yelled. “I didn't mean to, I swear! I just wanted to grab him, but then the train turned! It surprised me and I must of closed my hand! I didn't even know until I hit him, I promise.”

 _Probably_.

The twins kept staring at him.

“I... I understand if you hate me. I'm a terrible person. I hurt that poor... thing...” Harry slumped.

George stepped forward and threw an arm around Harry's shoulders. “Are you kidding, Harry!? That was great!”

“Huh?”

Another arm slammed across George's from the other side. Fred grinned down at him. “Merlin, was it ever! Did you see the look on the little bastard's face, George? Please tell me you saw it!”

“Oh, I saw it Fred! It looked like his stupid little eyes were gonna pop right out! And the ears!”

“Merlin, the ears! They were all spread out to the sides! It looked like he was flying on his ears!”

Harry couldn't believe this was happening. People don't think hurting things is funny. Well, Dudley did, but he didn't think the twins were like that. He’d thought they were decent people, not the sort that would revel in hurting something weaker than them. “Why are you laughing? I hurt him! It's not funny!”

“Oh, Harry, Harry. Don't worry. It was no more than the little snortface deserved.”

“My most esteemed brother is right, Harrikins. He just finally got what’s been coming to him, that’s all. Dumb-Bow there isn’t nearly as innocent as he looks. The little beast manages to track down King and scare the Cauldron Cakes right outta him every time we're on the Express.”

“We thought it was just a coincidence, but it happens every single time. The little bastard scares King on purpose. There’s no other explanation.”

Harry blinked. That didn't sound like a nice thing to do. Not at all. “Well, maybe he doesn't mean to do it. He's just a little elephant thing. He might not understand.”

“You're a nice kid, Harry. But I'm afraid you're wrong.”

“Dumb-Bow's a familiar. Do you think the girls wouldn't know they scared someone?”

“Even Lady. She's a menace, but she knows when she's hurt someone.”

“And anyway, the conductor stops by Hogwarts a couple of times a year to talk to the headmaster.”

“Dumb-Bow somehow manages to 'accidentally' run into King then, too. A whole castle, and that thing ‘just happens’ to run into King.”

Harry frowned. That definitely wasn't a nice thing to do. It was the sort of thing his cousin would do if he was a Trunk-Faced Squealer. “Well, that doesn't mean I should hurt him...”

“No, but it _does_ mean you shouldn't feel bad about doing it on accident.” George said sagely. “Being nice is nice and all, but sometimes you just need to kick someone in the bollocks.”

“Can’t let people walk all over you just ‘cuz you wanna be a good guy, Harry. Especially if they’re acting like an arse.”

“We woulda clocked him one ages ago, but he's too fast. We can nail a bludger with a bat, but punching a Squealer in the face is a different story.” Fred smirked. “You're riding with us from now on, Harry. I'm pretty sure that little bugger won't even get on the same car as you.”

“Congratulations. You've just been recruited as King's official anti-Squealer wizard!”

“Thanks... I think.”

“Oh no, Harry. This is a great honor.”

“Yes, King doesn't associate with just anyone.”

Harry blandly pointed out, “He hangs out with you.”

“Bah! That's just because we're the only ones that'll put up with him almost killing us all the time.”

“One little near-impalement and people freak out and run away from him. Sissies.”

“It's really not that big of a deal. You get pretty good at dodging flying shrapnel after a bit.”

“Does wonders for your reflexes. It's been great practice!”

“Ah, yes. Nothing like mortal peril to drive a lesson home.”  George declared. “Still... why do I feel like we're forgetting something.”

“I don't know, brother. Seems like things have been wrapped up pretty well to me.”

“What about King?” Harry asked. “He's... kinda still under the seat.”

The twins both looked down. King was, indeed, still under the seat.  He had his arms wrapped around his knees and his face was buried against the wall. He was rocking back and forth while whimpering slightly. Each little motion caused the bench above him to creak dangerously. The wood frame was cracked in several places. One of the legs had already been yanked out of the floor.

“Oh. So he is.”

“What a strange place for a man to be.”

“Well, he is a strange man, after all.”

“I'll give you that, brother.”

Harry sighed. “Guys... we should probably do something...”

Fred eyed his dorm mate speculatively. “Usually we just try to talk him out of it.”

“Maybe we should shove our noses in his ears? That seems to work.”

“We can't actually reach his ears, brother. Also? No.”

And so, with great deliberation, the brightest minds within compartment number eleven of car six decided that trying to ease King out from under the seat was the way to go. It proved to be a bit more of an undertaking than any of them would like.

They were forced to swear upon all they held sacred that the foul pachyderm had fled the area. He accepted their solemn oaths that, to the best of their knowledge, it would not return.  They vowed to utterly annihilate anything possessing a prehensile nose that came within fifty feet.

The twins promised that they would not stop casting until the offender was reduced to little more than bone fragments and hunks of meat. They said they would ensure it was dead by throwing a 'sick kegger' over its still-warm remains. The mortal remnants would be crushed into a thin, red paste beneath the heels four dozed drunken dancers. There would be beer pong, a booze luge and hot witches. They would party over the abused remains until the break of dawn, just to be sure the beast didn't rise with the coming of the sun. The party would culminate in a group desecration of the vile creature's remains.

King stared. The last thing he had asked was that the other boys scare off Dumb-Bow if he came back. Everything from 'complete annihilation' to 'drunken desecration' had been all them. Still, their random foolishness seemed sufficient to snap him out of his attack. There was just something about watching the pair act like idiots that assured you everything was alright.

Finally, with a sigh and a final cautious survey of the compartment, King stood.. He didn't extract himself from beneath the seat and then stand. That sort of thing was reserved for men that couldn't accidentally tear steal apart. Instead, he worked his way around onto his hands and knees, braced himself, then pushed. The seat erupted from the ground and slammed into the ceiling, the back plowing right through the thin wood. The entire bench hung there, suspended by hundreds of long splinters digging into its fabric.

The boy casually drove his fingers into the damaged wall and pulled himself up. The abused structure creaked and groaned, obviously objecting to supporting King’s weight. But it held long enough for King to stand, even if it acquired several new holes and gouges during the process.

Shaking his head, Fred said, “Seriously, King. Did a chair kill your dog?”

“That... is an odd question, Red. I don't have a dog.”

“Yeah. I thought you'd say that. Let's just get changed.”

The four boys looked around the compartment. It had gone way passed 'thrashed' a long time ago. Somewhere below them the familiar-swallowing death-hole remained. It was impossible to tell where it was because of the horrible mixture of empty wrappers and rainbow-colored diarrhea  covering the carpet. On both sides of the compartment, the seats were gone and the floor had been reduced to a dangerous mass of splinters. The legs of a bench were still sticking out of the goo. Every time the train rounded a bend the goo would snap, thrusting the jagged legs into the room.

Harry was pretty sure it was doing that on purpose.

“So... I'm pretty sure our lives get shorter every second we spend in here.” Fred decided. “Wanna find another compartment?”  
“We're half naked, filthy, we look like someone beat us with a bludger's bat and we're bleeding in a few places each. We should totally find a new compartment. They'll flip.” George suggested.

King pointed out, “They will also be armed with wands.”

“Oh... right... we probably shouldn't do that. Looks like we're changing in the compartment of death, then.”

“Yes, it seems we must. Harry must be eager to get out of those pants. They have been rather spectacularly violated.”

Harry had actually gotten so used to the warm mess on his legs that he'd forgotten it was there. When they got to Hogwarts he was going to take no less than three long, hot showers. Maybe he could find someone to borrow a nice wire brush from. He was pretty sure his skin had been defiled beyond all hope of redemption, and it’s not like he really _needed_ it, anyway.

He backed into the corner behind his trunk. His fresh clothing was still lying where he had left it. The other boys would be even more distracted now, simply because they had to avoid the various dangers. He should be fine as long as he changed quick.

Harry had, however, forgotten one thing. It wasn’t really his fault. Anyone in his position would have forgotten it. After all, who would really think about the face-sized hole in the wall. When he twisted to face the inside of the cabin, he put his back straight towards it.

Just a while ago the familiars, getting a bit bored in the hallway, had discovered that one of the adjacent cabins was empty. Something about having a screaming, splinter-covered face burst through the wall seemed to have put off the former residents. With some much space and comfy seats available, who would want to hang out in the hallway.

Harry never notice the pair of furry faces peering through the wall as he changed. He never noticed them carefully examining his back and leg. He didn’t see the way their small eyes narrowed. He did, however, hear the faint growl that escaped from Ru.

Startled by the quiet noise behind him, Harry began to turn and see what it was.

And then the train hit a curve, just as King was putting on his pants. The boy tipped with a startled gasp, slamming into the undamaged wall. The wood paneling instantly lost its ‘undamaged’ status.  King staggered into the center of the compartment and flailed slightly to catch his balance, accidentally twisting and driving a hip into Fred. The blow hammered him into the wall with an impressive amount of force. Fred became acquainted with the taste of wood. Again.

There was yet another series of screams. Just damaged by King, the wall was already on its last legs. The relatively small amount of force Fred hit with was enough to make it buckle around him. This created what Harry internally dubbed a ‘wall angel’, It was really quite remarkable likeness of the boy, though it seemed their neighbors didn’t appreciate the artistic qualities of the dent.

George started laughing at the sight of his brother slowly sliding down the wall.

It was a silly thing to do, because sometimes karma works fast. The perfect tool for retribution was already right there. Ensuring his mirth would be his undoing was quite simple.

. Hearing the laughter, King attempted to turn and see what was so funny. He had to hop a bit because he was still pulling on a pant leg. The train hit another corner, tilting him off balance. The back of his hand slammed across George's face as he tried to regain his balance.

George slammed into the floor, right in the center of the rainbow poo and wrapper slurry. He was pretty sure his right buttock was actually hanging out of the hole King had made. The breeze was actually quite refreshing.

Beside his brother, Fred sighed. He was staring up at the seat in the ceiling. It was rocking in a rather frightening manner. He was really hoping it held for long enough for them to get out of this damned compartment.“George? I'm pretty sure I don't like this.”

“Look at it this way. At least we landed face-up. Woulda been a lot worse if we hit the other way.” George pointed out. He examined his slurry-soaked arm for a moment, then let it fall back to his side with a plop.

King gave them a worried look. “Are you alright, Red? You two should really be more careful. Those corners present a rather severe safety risk!”

“Yeah, what's up with that?” George asked. He was considering staying down on the floor until King finished changing. The bench above them looked like it could fall at any moment, but it was probably less dangerous than their friend. “I've never even noticed them before. Now they're tossing us around like Quaffles.”

“Musta been some sort of protective charms on the compartment. I guess we damaged them when we tore the place apart.” Fred said. He was considering the same thing as his brother. Laying in the slurry was almost comfortable, in an extremely disgusting sort of way. It was even nice and warm.

“How unpleasant that must be!” King declared. “Here, allow me.”

The twins went white. They hadn't even considered this. They really should have, considering how much time they spent with him, but it hadn't even occurred to them. Of course King was going to help them up. It was just the kind of guy he was. He was always willing to help, no matter how the people around him protested.

King reached towards them, murder in his eyes. Well, it was actually a very kind and compassionate look, but it hardly made a difference. Actually, murder would have probably been better. King killing you on purpose would probably be quite quick. King trying to help you, on the other hand...

“King! No!” the twins yelled together. Harry noted that it seemed reflexive, rather than something they consciously did.

“Oh, I insis-”

The train banked the other way. The floor tilted slightly as half the wheels left the track with a scream.

 _That can't be safe._ Harry thought. _What kind of psycho builds a train like this and loads it down with kids? Wizards really, really hate their children._

The twins both thanked Merlin for half-mad magical engineers. The turn sent them tumbling across the floor accompanied with a wave of sloshing slurry. They tumbled straight into the splinter forest that once supported a seat. The pain of rolling across the jagged wood was quickly overwhelmed by the feeling of being buried in a wave of squealer juice and trash.

King wasn't quite as lucky. He tried to regain his balance. He tried like his sanity and the purity of his very soul depended on it. He failed spectacularly.

One of his feet came down a large package of candy. It was full of Greasy Gobs, one of the snacks the foxes had most enthusiastically insisted he not open. Apparently, they were exactly as advertised. Some sort of vile, oil-like juice squirted out of the sides. It shot out from under King, taking his foot with it. This left him supported on a single leg when the train made another turn.

He hit the slurry face first.

 _Why in the world did they want those?_ Harry wondered. _No one would ever eat them on purpose._

The twins started roaring with laughter. Every now and again one of them would give a pained wince, but that didn't stop them.

“Oi! That must be pretty unpleasant, King!”

“You want us to help you get up, King?”

“Oh yes. How funny. I assure you I would be laughing, but it is quite rude to do so with a full mouth.” King growled. He spat several times, trying to clear his throat. “I would prefer it if- Dear God! Is that a Cauldron Cake wrapper!?”

Fred and George stopped laughing.

“Yeah, you're probably gonna be tasting that for a while. Maybe you got lucky and ate enough Squealer shite to cover the flavor...”

“I assure you, there is not enough of this vile concoction in the world.”

“Popping Peanut induced rainbow crap full of trash and snack-based landmines? I'm thinking that's probably not real common to begin with.” George pointed out. He was lying and staring at the ceiling again. He knew he'd have to move at some point, but he could barely feel the splinters in his butt. Once he tried to get up he'd probably be feeling them a lot more.

At least they weren’t in danger of suffering seat-related death, now. The Forest of Wooden Pain was far enough to the side that the bench was no longer overhead.

King climbed up onto his feet and tried to scrape the slurry off his face. “This may well be the singular most unpleasant experience of my life.”

Removing the twins from the Corner of Splintered Agony proved to be difficult. King was in a pretty sour mood. He didn't even offer to help once, which was probably a good thing. Fred and George had limited mobility. Fresh splinters were driven in every time they so much as shifted their weight. The difficult job was pretty much left in Harry's hands. It took a lot of doing (and quite a few new slivers) but he eventually got them up.

Harry spent the next several minutes helping the twins pull out splinters. It seemed it was a bit hard to change with wooden spikes pinning your close to your arse.

The sad part was that picking jagged chunks of wood out of another boy’s butt was probably the best part of his day, aside from eating candy with the foxes. Things hadn’t been going at all like he’d hoped. The memories he’d wanted to have certainly didn’t involve grabbing another boy’s bottom.

Aside from the splinters, things went amazingly smoothly. It seemed the gods had mercy after all, because the train hit a straight section of track just in time for them to change. They even managed to do so without any further incident..

“Right!” George happily said. “Let's get out of here before-”

The hanging seat fell out of the ceiling with a horrible ripping sound. It landed right in the middle of the slurry, splattering them all with the vile stuff.

“-something happens.”

“Well, crap.”

“Unfortunately.”

Harry was going to take _four_ showers. Not one long shower, but four completely separate showers. One right after another, with the hottest water he could get. Maybe he could find some alcohol to bathe in after he used the wire brush.

Luckily they had a bit more luck the second time.The train ran straight, there was no more furniture to assault them, and the Goo was behaving now that King was up and around. It took them mere moments to quickly whip on new clothing.

Not saying a word, George quickly turned and yanked open the door. Well, he tried to yank open the door.

The door opened about half an inch before grinding to a halt. The damage done when king collided with it had rendered it completely useless. The wood was splintered, the frame was twisted and track it slid in was completely mangled. To make matters worse, the handle tore straight off in George's hand.

“Well. That sucks.” He sighed. He really couldn't think of anything else to say.  
“How many times have I told you? They're all out to get you!” King exclaimed.

Harry asked, “All? All of what?”

“All of it! Chairs, just waiting to break and spill you onto the floor. Tables that want to dump your plate on the ground! Door handles that break off in your hand and walls with lamentable load-bearing capabilities.” he declared.

George rolled his eyes. “King here thinks inanimate objects are plotting against him....”

“Apparently things break as part of some conspiracy to embarrass or injure him.” Fred added. He twirled his finger in front of his ear. “Like, they’re all just waiting for a chance to strike.”

“It is not my fault you are completely unwilling to see the truth.” King sighed. “Someday you'll see. Someday. But for now, let's take care of this little hiccup. For once in my life, I am thankful for the unacceptable fragility of everything that surrounds me. Stand aside!”

The twins fearfully retreated into the far corners of the compartment. Harry followed, carefully sliding in behind George. The older boy gave him an annoyed look. It wasn't fair Harry got a meat-shield when he didn't.

Harry didn't see how this could possibly go right. Every time King tried to help, he just seemed to make things worse. He had done more damage to the compartment than everyone else put together.

The Goo didn't really count, since that was sort of a collaboration between Harry and the twins.

And now he was going to _try_ to break something.

Harry really hoped he didn't have to spend too much time in the hospital. He was really excited (and a bit queasy) about going to Hogwarts. Missing the first few weeks would suck.

King reared back, closed his hand into a fist and slammed it into the door. The entire cabin shook. The entire _train_ probably shook. The sound was like a cannon going off right next to Harry's head. The window-goo shrieked in surprise and fear. It was probably having flashbacks. It figured that King would be able to give an unnatural horror PTSD.

Harry hunched a bit, making sure George was blocking both King and the thing-that-was-not-meant-to-be. He supposed he could have just hid behind his trunk, but the redhead was closer and he’d be a better distraction if the Goo decided to eat someone.

The door splintered and bent even further. A few more bits of shattered window dropped to the floor. But it held.

King gave it a look of supreme annoyance and consternation. Fred and George stared, agape.

Fred sighed. “There's no way this is gonna end well, but you know what they say: in for a knut...”

“...in for a galleon.” George finished. “This one's all you. I've gotta... uh... protect Harry. Wouldn't want the wee little thing getting hurt.”  
“Yeah, sure. I bet that's exactly what you're thinking...” growled. Fred. “Oh well. Oi! King! Did you hear what that door just said?”

King glanced over his shoulder, giving him a confused look. “It is a door, Red. To the best of my knowledge, doors do not speak.”

“But it's a _magic_ door! And that _magic_ door just called you a dumbass.”

King twitched.

“It says you must be pretty dumb if all you can think of is punching it! You’re probably too stupid to know which end a brush the paint goes on, it says?”

King’s face took on a rather unpleasant purple shade.. It reminded Harry of Vernon when he was in his worst moods. The vein Harry had noticed before was even more prominent.

“It thinks you must be a pretty big disappointment to your family. An artist and an intellectual? It says that’s a pretty funny thing to call yourself when all you can make is a mess!”

Fred took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He looked like a man going to the gallows.

“The door said all you should just give up, King. It says you’ll never be as good as your brother.”

All signs that King was angry suddenly vanished. He went from absolutely seething to completely relaxed in a tiny fraction of a second. The King was calm. Completely calm. Far, far too calm.

“I see.” he said in a friendly and, above all, extremely reasonable voice. “The door said that, did it? Well! I do believe I have formulated the perfect rebuttal!”

Fred breathed a short sigh of relief. He quickly dove behind his trunk, completely ignoring the fact the he was slamming into the splintered floor.

“RHAAARGH!” King screamed. The sound was deafening. He whipped around and delivered a massive straight kick to the center of the abused door. It flew out of its track and slammed into the door across the hall with a mighty crash. Terrified screams came from the compartment.

Obviously King didn't consider this an appropriate level of punishment. He leaped after the door, landed on it and began to rain blow after brutal blow down on it. After the first few strikes it was little more than pulped wood and powdered glass, but he kept on hitting it. The car shook violently. The sound of breaking glass came from all over the place as random windows cracked from the force of the assault. King was screaming bloody murder the entire time.

King finally stood and gave what little remained of the door a dirty look. Brushing a few splinters off his hand, he walked back into the compartment. “Well, it would appear the door has bowed to my superior application of logic and reasoning. Now that this debate has ended in my favor, I suggest taking this opportunity to move to a different compartment. Please allow me to grab your trunks.”

Harry gaped. He didn't know a whole lot about debating, but he was pretty sure that wasn't how you did it. It was a pretty good argument, though.

The twins also gaped. King had knocked down the door. Everyone was still in one piece. King had actually done something useful without causing horrible collateral damage.

The train hit yet another ridiculously sharp curve in the track. Beside Fred's head, the sudden shift in momentum snapped the Goo back. Over half of its mass was pushed out into the open air by the centrifugal force of the turn. A faint ripple crossed its surface. Fred noted a distinctly smug look on its... well, it looked smug.

The curve ended, throwing the Goo back towards the cabin. There was a terrible slurping noise as it violently disgorged the seat. The heavily abused piece of furniture crossed the small cabin in less time than it took to blink.

Luckily for King, the Goo didn't have very good aim. Maybe it had something to do with its lack of eyes. Whatever the reason, the bench was a bit off target. Instead of inflicting grievous wounds, the jagged legs shot by on either side of him. The center of the bench hit him square in the chest and exploded into a shower of slivers. King was ejected from the compartment and sent catapulting across the hall. He slammed straight through the door to the opposite compartment.

There were more screams.

King came stomping out to the compartment, his robes covered in glass and wood. He did not look very amused. He stopped just inside the door and pointed at the Goo. “I am not very happy with you right now. It would behoove you to behave like a good little eldrich horror and sit there quietly until we reach Hogwarts!”

A hiss came from the Goo.

“I would be happy to debate the merits of acting like a rational being with you. A good, healthy discussion would be an excellent way to pass what remains of the trip.”

The goo screeched in fear.

“Oh my. What an odd reaction!”

Harry examined the remains of King's last “debate”. Personally, he thought that response was perfectly reasonable.

“So we have an accord? You will behave yourself, and I will not be forced to chastise you?”

There was a soft gurgle. King figured that was as close to a “yes” as he was going to get.

“Excellent! You see how much easier things are when you behave in a reasonable manner? Now, let us depart for-”

The Hogwarts Express stopped. It did this far quicker than anything of that size and speed should be capable of. One moment they were traveling down the tracks at a break-neck pace, the next they were standing still.

Well, the train was standing still. The students in compartments that hadn't been horrifically damaged were also standing still. Even the students in the halls and restrooms barely noticed the stop. But the four boys in the completely mangled compartment?

Not so much.

Harry and the twins were pretty much fine. They had already been crouched down and braced for whatever disaster King managed to call down on them. They were rocked to the side and startled, but that was about it. King, on the other hand, was standing in the middle of the compartment. The sudden stop made him stagger. His foot managed to land square on the hole in the floor, throwing his balance off even more.

With a victorious squeal, the squirming abomination launched itself out of the window. It hit King in the head and wrapped its tentacles tightly around his skull. King stumbled backwards, clawing at the goo with all his strength. But it had a superior position and the advantage of surprise. The squirming mass was still on King's face when he staggered across the hall and through the destroyed door of the opposing compartment.

There were more screams. Harry really hoped this didn't cause some sort of long-term mental trauma.

“ _Hraagh!_ ”

A black ball composed entirely of horror and suffering shot back into their compartment. It hit the top of Harry's trunk with a loud splat, neatly closing the luggage. King followed right on its tail. He looked _pissed_. He tore the horror from its landing point and hurled it into the mess on the floor.

“You must behave rationally.” King pointed out reasonably. He raised his foot and brought it down with a tremendous crash.

“Engaging others in a meaningful manner is very satisfying.” _Crash!_

“You can forge lifelong relationships.” _Crash!_

“You can forge useful connections with others.” _Crash!_

“You can learn things about yourself you  otherwise would have never known.” _Crash!_

“You can discover engaging new activities and pursuits.” _Crash!_

“You will have a more fulfilling and joyful life.” _Crash!_

King raised his foot, then paused. He looked down at the mess on the floor curiously. “You know, it occurs to me that I have been hogging the floor in an impolite manner. Do you have a counterpoint you would like to present?”

The Goo made a noise that was halfway between a gurgle and a whimper.

“Well then, there is hardly any point in continuing this if you cannot present even a basic argument. Would it be acceptable to simply end this discussion here?”

The Goo whimpered again. There was a pathetic, hopeful sound to it.

King dropped his foot to the floor. There was barely any force behind it, but the Goo still whined quietly. “Well, some people... entities, rather... simply never learn!” He declared. “It's quite sad, if you think about it. Living out your entire life in a manner befitting a particularly dim animal. I almost feel bad for it. Even a god-forsaken blight upon all that lives should have higher aspirations than simply devouring living beings.”

Fred shook his head. “You're a weird guy, King.”

“I resent the implication that- My lord! Red, your face looks absolutely awful! It's full of splinters!”

Fred's face was, in fact, full of splinters. Actually, saying that it was full of splinters was understating the situation. Shards of wood varying from a full millimeters to several centimeters covered in his entire face. It looked like a fistful of splinters had gotten a bit of redhead on them.

“Jeez, Fred. Doesn't that hurt?” asked George. “I think some of those go down to the bone...”

“Oh, it's okay. I can't even feel it.” Fred giggled. He reached up and gave a particularly large splinter a flick.

“Seriously? You can't feel those nasty splinters?”

“Oh, no...” Fred said softly. He looked at his brother with wide eyes. “I mean, that too. But I meant I can't feel my face. I can't feel my nose, or my ears, or my cheeks, or my hair, or even my whiskers.”

“Those aren't whiskers, Fred. They're horrible and probably disfiguring bits of floor. And you don't normally feel your hair.” George groaned. “When'd you stop feeling your face?”

Fred thoughtfully stroked his chin. It looked like he was tugging on his wooden 'whiskers' in though. “It was when I hit my face. I think it was the sevond time it happened.”

“Uh... sevond?”

“You know, the number that comes after eleventeen. Are you feeling okay, George?”

Harry tugged at George's robes. “George... how many times has he been hit on the head?”

“Oh. Crap.”

King gave the concussed wizard a frown. “Perhaps we should get him some medical attention. And we'd best make sure-”

One of the luggage racks decided that this was the perfect time to give in to the damage it had suffered. There was a sharp ping as one side snapped loose from the wall. The metal rack whipped around in a silver blur and slammed into the back of Fred's head.

He giggled.

“-he does not suffer any further head trauma.” King finished. “Well, I'd say we failed at that in a rather impressive fashion.”

“Let's just get him to Madam Pomfrey. If he gets permanent brain damage, people'll be able to tell us apart.”

“King? Is it okay to stand there?” Harry asked, pointing at the floor As worried as he was for Fred, this seemed at least as important. “Because I think you should move.”

“Oh, have no fear, Harry. I believe that the vile sin against all that lives has been properly cowed this time.”

“Well, that too. But I think you broke the floor a bit when you stomped on it. It's all saggy.”

King shrugged. “Even if this frail construction is unable to support me, the train has stopped. Falling to the ground is hardly a concern.”

George made a disgusted face. “Harry's trying to tell ya that you're standing ankle deep in a lake made of Squealer crap, Goo, garbage, Greasy Gob discharge and probably more than a little of Fred's blood.”

Blinking, King looked down. The floor had indeed sagged at some point during his friendly discussion with the Goo. Everything had flowed into the center of the compartment. He could see wrappers and multicolor Squealer discharge. The filling from the Greasy Gobs he had stepped on was floating around like an oil slick. Chunks of glass, wood and metal bobbed around like carrots in a rather disgusting chicken soup.

Now that he thought about it, he could quite clearly feel the substance leaking into his shoes. His trousers were sodden to halfway up his shins. The bottom few inches of his robes had vanished into the liquid. They were obviously a complete loss.

Fred and George had both been splattered a bit by his enthusiastic stomping. A large chunk of the vile brew as sliding down the front of George's robes. It left a very distinct trail with an oily sheen.

“Perhaps we should get changed again?”  
George snorted. “Yeah, that's a great idea. Maybe it'll go better the third time.”

“Yeah. Let's not do that.” Fred muttered. “I like my head. It helps me move my toes.” He raised his hands and wiggled his fingers.

George grimaced. “Right you are, Fred. Let's just grab our junk and let's get out of here. I feel like every minute I spend on this train is stripping a day off my life.”

“Are you sure we should be moving him just now? I’ve often heard that it is not wise to move the injured.”

“I think it's probably a bit more important to get him outta here before something else clocks him one.”

“But moving him around may make matters worse. If we just stay here and send someone for-”

“King? Buddy? Do you really wanna find out how this place is planning to screw us over next? They're probably already rounding everyone up already, so we should just go while we can. Plus, if we stay here much longer we'll get blamed for this.”

“Well, it is our fault, isn't it?”

“Yeah, but I don't really see the need to get blamed for it.” George shrugged. “And we just made a mess. You tore the place apart. Do you really wanna explain that to McGonagall?”

“Right then! I'll grab the trunks, so you just guide your brother out. Harry, follow along!” King said with an innocent smile. He somehow swept two of the trunks up onto his shoulder, quickly reached down, and tossed the remaining trunks up with them. He looked absolutely absurd with four trunks spread across his shoulders and arms.

It also made him a bit wider than the door, not that that mattered to him.

Harry followed the older boys out the newly-widened compartment door. He had mostly been protected by George's body, but had still been splattered a bit. He decided that he was way past the point where a shower would help.

Did wizards have something like battery acid?                       


	5. Safety Hazards

AKA

“Mr. Tentacles Strikes”

 

* * *

 

_ I’m going to die. _

Harry had been starting to wonder what his chances of reaching adulthood in the wizarding world were. It seemed like he’d been in serious danger of physical harm ever since he’d stepped onto Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Flying trunks, potentially lethal candy and unnatural horrors would forever dominate his memories of the day.

Now, stepping out onto the platform, he was finally  _ sure _ he was going to die.

The “platform” looked like something straight out of one of Dudley’s slasher films. Harry could practically feel the cold steel of a sharp blade sliding into his spine. Where Platform Nine and Three-Quarters had been a shining wonderland of brass and polished wood, rust and decay dominated the far side of the route.

The platform itself was little more than a bare concrete pad poured out in the middle of nowhere. It was cracked and worn from years of neglect. Large pits and deep cracks covered the surface, catching at unwary feet. Stray sticks and leaves littering the platform made these minor hazards difficult to see and avoid. Harry could just barely see the edge of a large, dark stain beneath a pile of debris.

_ It’s just from somebody’s drink.  _ Harry told himself.  _ Somebody must have dropped their drink here. Lots of drinks are red and sticky. It could be anything, really. _

He shivered as that imaginary blade slid in a bit deeper.

An old, decrepit lamp struggled to light the broad concrete slab.It was mostly made of rust at this point, and it didn’t do its job very well. The dim light flickered and cast crazed shadows across the concrete as the lamp buzzed and flickered. Beneath the lamp there were two piles consisting mostly of rotting wood and twisted metal. Harry assumed they had once been benches of some sort, but it was more of a leap of logic than anything.

The students were steering well clear of the dangerous-looking debris. Many of them had seen Fred’s face, and they all agreed that wooden piercings weren’t the new look.

Above them. a full moon rode high in the sky. It was just barely visible through the thick fog that was pushing in on the platform. The brightness of the moon gave it an eerie, luminescent glow. It pressed inward, trying to force its way in as if it were a living thing. The dim light from the lamp was just bright enough to halt its advance. For now.

The knife twisted. Harry wondered what part of the body made the best trophy for a serial-killer.

Fred and George strode boldly out onto the platform ahead of him. George was in the lead, forging ahead with a firm grip on his brother’s robes. It was a good precaution considering how his heavily-concussed brother kept trying to wander off. 

Harry slowly climbed off the train. If the twins were heading out without hesitation, it had to be safe. Either that, or the twins were too injured and distracted to realize they were walking into the jaws of doom. There was a pretty good chance it was safer to be out here than in the train either way. Harry had a hard time believing there was much out there that was actually worse than the Hogwarts Express. If nothing else, there was probably less soul-devouring Goo out there.

“Damn it, Fred! Walk in a straight line!” George snapped.

“I am! Stop moving the damn line!” Fred snapped back.

“Line? What line? It’s a figure of speech. I mean put one damn foot in front of the other and walk!” He spun around to glare at his brother. Whatever else he was going to say to the other Weasley twin was lost as he caught sight of something behind Harry and paled. “Ah, Harry? That might not be a great place to stand.”

“What? Why?” Harry asked weakly.  _ Probably because something’s about to kill me. _

“Because King’s right behind you, and he’s having a bit of a struggle with our trunks.”

There was a splintering sound from behind the first-year. He whirled around in alarm and immediately thought,  _ Oh, look. I was right. _

King had, indeed, had been having a hard time with their trunks. His four-wide load proved to be just as difficult to get through the disembarkation door as it had getting through the compartment door. The walking disaster had somehow managed to get his cargo halfway through before figuring this out. Now he was wedged with one foot flailing in the air outside the train, unable to move forward nor back.

King grimaced. His head was pinned between the trunks, preventing him from slipping out from between them. It was a very uncomfortable position that was very quickly wearing at his patience. Considering how his day had gone so far, he didn’t have much left to begin with..

Gritting his teeth, King slammed his rear foot into the stairs. The structure gave way with a loud crunch. Using that brief moment of leverage, he jerked forward. The trunks came free of the door with a horrible shriek, tearing and warping the metal portal as they went. For some reason surprised by the sudden movement, King lost his grip on all four trunks.

Much like with Dumb-Bow, Harry didn’t even think about his reaction. It was like a signal was sent straight from his eyes to his limbs without even giving his brain a by-your-leave. His legs went out from under him, plunging him towards the ground. He caught himself on his hands just an inch from the ground. It proved to be just enough, just in time. A trunk actually tugged at the back of his robes as it went by.

George had just enough time to say, “Really?”

The first trunk - George’s own - shot towards him at a potentially devastating clip. The redhead’s reflexes being somewhat slower than Harry’s, there was little he could do. His own luggage slammed into his jaw with devastating force. His familiar abandoned ship just before the impact, leaping from his shoulder to the trunk. She watched her wizard do a complete flip from the force of the impact. There was a very amused look on her face, though Harry wasn’t whether it was from the ride on a ballistic trunk or at seeing the look on her wizard’s face as he flew.

Fred’s trunk hit its owner just a moment after George’s, giving him a fraction of a second to react. Seeing the trunk coming he, unfortunately, decided not to dodge. He set his feet and roared a battle cry instead. Tightening his abs and flexing his torso, he dared the approaching chest to strike him down.

The trunk accepted the boy’s challenge. It barrelled into him at full speed, hitting with a mighty crunch. Harry was really hoping that the crunch was from the trunk and not the redhead’s ribs. Fred was pushed back several feet by the impact. Despite the mighty blow, he remained standing. The trunk hung suspended in midair against his chest for several seconds. 

Harry blinked in surprise. Fred was obviously a lot tougher than he’d thought.

“Whaaag!”  Fred screamed in victory. “No luggage shall defeat me!”

The trunk, finally running out of kinetic energy, fell to the ground and landed squarely on Fred’s foot. The boy squealed in surprise and tried to leap backwards. This didn’t work so well, considering the hem of his robe was firmly pinned under the large, wooden box. His panicked leap became a sudden fall as the tug at his robes pulled him off his feet. He went down hard, his jaw catching the edge of his trunk and then slamming into the concrete.

Harry winced in sympathy. He was pretty certain that the horrible noise he’d just heard hadn’t been the trunk this time...

King’s own trunk had flown wide and somehow managed not to take anyone out. Instead, it had impacted the lamppost with terrible force, producing a terrible clang that caused half the students to scream or dive for cover. A shower of rust fell on one side of the platform, quickly followed by a shower of King’s belongings. The impact against the pillar of rust had torn a corner off the trunk and emptied half its contents into the air. Boxers, books and small figures with wobbly heads rained down on the panicked crowd.

It made Harry feel extremely guilty when he realized his trunk had come out unscathed. It had landed rather neatly, sliding to a stop against the abused streetlight with a barely audible clank. It had even landed right-side-up and everything. 

One of King’s bobbleheads descended from the sky, slamming into Harry’s trunk and bouncing off the lid. Somehow, despite being very top-heavy, it managed to land on its feet. It stood there in the center of his trunk, giving him a smug smirk and wobbling its head lewdly.

King gave a long-suffering sigh and walked out onto the platform to recover his wayward belongings. This elicited a frightened squeak from the other students, who quickly backed up. They formed a sort of zone of denial around King. No student seemed willing to get within fifteen feet of him. The bubble moved with him as he shuffled around, some students even braving the edge of the platform and the mist beyond in an effort to avoid him.

Sometimes the danger you know is, in fact, worse than the danger you don’t.

_ It can’t possible be in the center. _

Harry felt so bad for his new friend. I mean, sure, the guy was a walking engine of destruction that practically breathed collateral damage, but he was a good guy. He didn’t do it on purpose. To see the other students acting like they were upset Harry quite a bit. He could practically see the word, “freak” on their lips.

_ I have to do something. I have to make this better.  _ Harry thought.  _ I have to tell them that King’s a good guy, that he- there’s no vascoing way it could be in the center! _

Harry, for a moment ignoring the rest of the platform, stomped up to his trunk. The bobblehead was still sitting on the top. It was still giving him that smug smirk. It was still in the  _ exact _ center of the lid.

_ I have to fix this. I have to fix this. I have to help King. I have to fix this. I have to- Oh! I know!  _ Harry perked up. The most amazing solution had just popped into his head.

“ _ Wrong! _ ” Harry screamed. “You shouldn’t be  _ there! _ Stop mocking  _ me! _ ”

He reached out and grabbed the handiest heavy object he could see. It was perfect, sized just to fit his hand and pleasantly top-heavy. It was as if God himself had granted the bludgeon unto Harry, so that he might better smite cheeky little statues.

Not one to turn down a gift from God, Harry brought his makeshift weapon down with all the might he could muster. Though he was a bit on the small side, his bludgeon was quite good. It hit with a loud crunch that echoed across the platform. Loud as it was, it was hard to tell if it was from the plastic figure breaking or the top of Harry’s trunk caving in.

Harry decided that it was better safe than sorry. He brought the weapon down again, even harder than before. Then he slammed it into his trunk three more times, just to be certain. By the last swing it was pretty obvious that the whole top of the trunk was about pulverized.

He stood there panting, surveying the damage. The lid of his trunk was definitely beyond repair. It was little more than a splintered carter. Happily, the bobblehead wasn’t in any better shape. It had been reduced entirely into fragments which were now embedded deep in the wooden wreckage.

_ Serves you right, you filthy plastic mockery of man. _ Harry grinned.  _ Let all who sin against the laws of probability be punished. _

Someone coughed.

Harry froze. He had completely forgotten that there were other people with him on the platform. What he’d just done slowly sunk in.

He had just completely flipped out. He had just attacked his own trunk like a madman, while screaming at a small, plastic figurine. Every student in the school, the very students he’d be spending this year and every after with, had watched him act like a raving maniac.

If this  _ was _ a slasher movie, there was a good chance that  _ he’d _ turn out to be the killer.

_ Well, at least no one’s paying attention to King now. Mission accomplished, I guess. Job well done, Harry. Now that they already think you’re a maniac, you may as well go back and torch the train. God knows it has it coming. _

A boy a few years older than Harry pushed out from the crowd and marched up to him. He stood directly in front of him, arms crossed over his chest and an angry look on his face.

_ Wonderful. Here it comes. He’s going to call me insane. He’s going to say I shouldn’t be here. He’s going to say I’m a…. freak. A freak among freaks…. Uncle Vernon would laugh so hard if he knew. _

“Hey!” The boy snapped, causing Harry to start. “You’ve got stones!”

“What?” Harry asked dumbly. That really hadn’t been what he was expecting.

“Are you deaf? You’ve got stones.”

“Uh… thanks? I think…?” Harry said slowly. He was a little confused at the moment. Were bobbleheads some sort of dangerous threat in the wizarding world? Had he somehow just done something great and brave on accident. “I mean… it was just a little plastic thing. It didn’t put up much of a fight.”

“What?” The older student asked. Obviously one of the two was very confused. Harry had the feeling it was him. “No, fool, I meant that you have Stones. My familiar, Stones!”

Harry looked down at the makeshift bludgeon he was still holding. As it turned out, the “handle’ was actually some sort of arm made of rock. The “head” of the weapon was an actual head. It looked like a rough cut piece of stone the size of a bowling ball. The only real difference was that most bowling balls didn’t have two large, blue eyes. Harry vaguely noted that there was another arm on the other side of the head.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!” Harry cried in shock. 

He released the thing immediately. Instead of falling, it hovered into the air under its own power. It stopped at head height and gave him a curious stare. Luckily, it didn’t seem offended that he’d just crushed a piece of luggage with it.

“What on Earth were you thinking?” The other student demanded. “You can’t just up and grab someone’s familiar like that!”

“I’m really sorry! I am! I don’t know what happened. I saw that  _ vile thing _ and I just lost it. I just wanted something to hit it with. I didn’t know I was grabbing a…. that.” Harry gestured at the floating rock. It wasn’t quite up there with Lady, but he certainly wouldn’t complain about having something so cool as a familiar. “She has very nice eyes.” he blurted without thinking.

The rock blushed.

“Yes, she does.” the boy agreed. “But that doesn’t excuse the fact that you simple went nuts and.... oh. You’re one of those, aren’t you?”

Harry tried to swallow a lump in his throat. “One of… what?”

“You’re a muggleborn, right, kid? Never saw magic before a few weeks ago?”

Harry nodded.

“Well, it can come as a bit of a shock. I’m a pureblood, so I wouldn’t know myself, but some muggleborn have a hard time at first. Don’t worry though, it’ll get better as time goes on.” the boy shrugged. “Either that or you’ll end up in St. Mungo’s with your own personal mind-healer. Could go either way, really.”

“O...kay…” Harry slowly said. He didn’t quite follow everything the boy’d said, but some of it sounded bad. “Look, I really am sorry. I hope I didn’t hurt her.”

“You’re joking, right? Stones is made of rock. It’d take a lot more than a little first-year to hurt her.” the boy laughed. “Hey, how’d you know she was a girl, anyway?”

Harry blinked in confusion. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“No, it really isn’t. Most people assume she’s a species that doesn’t have gender. She’s a rock, after all.”

“Oh. Well, I thought it was pretty obvious. You can tell just by looking at her.”

Stones blushed again.

The older student stared at Harry for a moment. “You’re a weird one, aren’t you?” He shook his head. “Look, I’ve gotta get back to my friends. You seem like an okay kid, so try not to go insane and no more smashing things with familiars.  See you later, first-year.”

“Um… bye.”

The older boy wandered off into the crowd. Stones floated along behind him, cheerfully waving both arms the whole way. She didn’t even seem to notice the student she accidentally brained.

“Oh dear. She really should be careful.” King said from right beside Harry.

The younger boy yelped and whipped around. Given the havoc he wreaked, it was easy the forget King was actually on the thin and light side. Apparently he had a pretty light step when he wasn’t destroying things.

King sighed and looked down at Harry’s trunk. “Alas, but poor Picasso now strongly resembles a self-portrait.”

“King, I’m so sorry. That was yours, right?” Harry asked. Up until now, it hadn’t really occurred to him that the disgusting thing had belonged to his friend. “I’m really, really sorry. I’ll replace it…. somehow.”

“Oh, don’t let it worry you, Harry. To be honest, I’ve never been a great admirer of Picasso. His works are all so pretentious and obtuse.” King soothed. He gave the lid of Harry’s trunk an experimental poke. The wood crunched and collapsed under his finger.

“But I-”  
“But nothing, Harry. We all have our own foibles, and it is up to our comrades to accept them. Besides, I only packed him because of his irrefutable status as one of the great artists. Now that he is gone, I shall have room to bring Bob Ross next year. In my opinion, he is much more deserving of being immortalized in plastic.”

“As long as you’re sure…”

“There are no mistakes, Harry. Only happy little accidents. Of course, should you destroy Mr. Ross in such a manner, I would be somewhat displeased.”  
“Just don’t let him get on my trunk, and I think it’ll be fine.” Harry said reasonably. “Um… not that I have much of a trunk…”

“Then we have an accord. Now, where are Fred and George? We must get Fred medical attention immediately.”

Harry pointed. King looked.

“Good lord! What on Earth are the two of you doing on the ground?”

Fred groaned. “Damn it, Harry. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice. Why do you think I left the floor on top of me? So I could hide, that’s why.”  
“The floor isn’t on top of you, brother. You’re on top of it. It’s under you, which is generally where floors are supposed to be.”

“No. No. You’re wrong, George. It’s on top of me. I can feel it laying on my chest and face.”

“That’s because you’re face-down, Fred.”

“Ooooh. I guess that makes sense.”

“Dear, dear. You two are having quite the disagreement with gravity today, aren’t you?” King asked, walking over to them. “Let’s get you on your feet and see if we can’t keep you there.”

“I know we should scream in fear, but it honestly doesn’t seem worth it.” George sighed. “I’d rather not die out of breath.”

“Hasn’t helped yet, and I’d rather not scream in the floor’s ear. It seems impolite, considering how hard it works to keep us from from falling.”

“Right. Up you go.” King reached down and grabbed them by the back of their pants.

The twins sighed in resignation. George worked his hands under his body and tried to get a good grip on the front of his waistband.

There was a wet splat.

King froze, his muscles already half-tensed to lift the twins to their doom. Something about that splat had sounded familiar. Temporarily releasing the twins (and getting a pair of relieved sighs in return) he turned to survey the platform.

Lady was standing next to his destroyed trunk, looking around curiously. After a moment of searching, she located a stray sock sitting on the concrete platform. With a triumphant bounce she snatched it off the ground. Even from twenty feet away Harry could see drops of water falling from the suddenly sodden article of clothing. She proceeded to give King a happy wave, then rammed the sock back through the ragged hole in his trunk.

Splat.

Harry and King just stared for a moment, giving the water elemental time to locate and return three more socks and a pair of boxers. King twitched slightly with every splat.

“No! Lady, please my dear! We have discussed this!” said King forcefully, striding toward his familiar. “When you pick up such things, you must not get them wet. You certainly should not be placing them with the rest of my clothing and books once they are completely sodden.”

Lady allowed herself to be shooed away. It was a little hard to tell, but Harry was pretty sure she winked at him on the way.

“You know, I might actually be starting to like the watery tart.” George commented.

“I bet a tart would taste better than this floor. Eww… did someone spill their drink here or something?”

“For Merlin’s sake, brother. Roll over. That can’t be good for your face.”

“I… I think being alive isn’t good for my face, George.” Fred sighed. “I’m pretty sure I’d hurt less if I wasn’t so warm and movey.”

“You realize King would be at your funeral, right? He’d probably insist on helping carry your casket.”

“Oh. Even in death I suffer beneath the reign of our cruel King.”

“Does this happen a lot?” Harry asked.

“Well, Harry, I have a bed with my name over it in the Hospital Wing.”

“I have two. Just in case they put George in mine on accident.”

“Oh.”

“Really, though, he isn’t usually this bad. He gets worse when he’s distracted.”

“King without his family is like a face without a floor. They make him all warm and squishy, kind of like the Goo. I’m pretty sure they don’t try to eat him, though.”

“I guess that makes sense…?” Harry muttered. The idea of someone  _ not _ wanting to be away from their family was totally beyond him. “Must be nice.”

“What was that, Mr. Balzak?” Fred asked. Harry thought he might be raising an eyebrow, but the fact that his face was still pressed into the concrete made it hard to tell.

“Huh? Oh! Nothing!”

George frowned. “Well, ‘s kinda funny then. ‘Cuz it sounded like-”

His comment was interrupted by several shrill screams.

“I should go see what that was!” Harry said quickly. He hoofed it quickly away, figurative tail tucked between his legs.

George sighed. “I think our odd little friend may be a little more than odd.”

“I’d probably agree, but I’m having a bit of trouble thinking. I think the splinters are poking my brain. It actually feels kinda nice.”

It was pretty easy for Harry to make his way up to the edge of the platform. Everyone else seemed intent on going in the opposite direction. They were all quite eager to surrender their place in exchange for the opportunity to move further back. It took him mere moments to reach the front of the crowd, giving him a clear view of what was causing the ruckus.

It wasn’t the Goo, at least. That much was certain. He wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

A point of red light was bobbing its way through the fog, approaching closer with every passing moment. The bright light was painting the thick mist a thousand shades of ominous crimson. Every now and then the floating light would make a loud rapping noise. It looked to Harry like the very gates of hell had opened, releasing a demonic guide to escort them in. That sharp click was probably the end of his scythe striking the ground.

The image filled Harry’s head. It was a tall, think figure in a ragged black cloak. In one hand he held a skull-shaped lantern on high. The other loosely gripped the shaft of a scythe. Its wicked blade would be angle just right to take a child’s head.

Bob, click. Bob, click. Bob, click.

Harry scratched his head, confusion momentarily overcoming his fear. He knew that sound. He knew he’d heard it somewhere, and it hadn’t come from a scythe. It had been just recently, he was sure, but he just couldn’t place it.

A figure emerged from the fog, causing another series of screams. The man was huge beyond huge, to the point where he barely qualified as a man. His thick platform shoes only made him seem that much larger. A purple crushed-velvet suit was fitted neatly to his form, its outturned lapels revealing a lurid tiger-print pattern. Thick gold chains hung around his neck, and a huge wide-brimmed hat sat on his head. One hand supported a burning lantern, while the other held a gold-capped cane.

“Oh. Hello Hagrid.” Harry greeted.  _ That’s _ where he had heard the sound before. Hagrid’s cane had sounded a bit different on the streets of Diagon Alley, so it had been a bit hard to place.

“Good evening yourself, young Harry. I say! You look like you’ve taken a bit of a hit to the bone box!” Hagrid declared, clearly alarmed.

Harry self-consciously rubbed a hand against his cheek. It did, indeed, hurt a bit. His eyes narrowed slightly as he thought about the twins.  _ No bruise my skinny rear. _ “It’s okay, Hagrid. I just got into a fight with an elephant, I think.”

“Fizzing! I must say, you are a bit of a bully trap. No surprise you’d get into a bit of a scuffle here and there. I take it you gave the rapscallion a good what-for?”

“Yes, Hagrid. I’m pretty sure I did. He seemed pretty what-for’d, anyway.”

“Excellent! You look as poor as Job’s turkey, but I’d wager you pack a wallop! It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, after all. Believe me, I’ve the biggest dog you’ve ever seen and he’s a bit of a sissy.” Hagrid sighed. “Alas, but we all have to pocket our lads’ flaws.

Regardless, I’ve not come for idle chit-chit. All you young ladies and lads - first-years - come and gather around. It’s my most solemn duty to escort you to Hogwarts, and honor bright I shall do it!”

The other first-year students hesitantly gathered around Hagrid. They seemed to take some comfort in the fact that Harry had been talking to Hagrid for nearly a minute and hadn’t been eaten yet.

“Right then! Good lads. Now, off we go!” Hagrid spun around and marched back into the mist.

Harry quickly leaped off the platform and scurried after him. He really didn’t want to hesitate and lose sight of the large man’s lantern. It was rough going as it was, traversing the uneven and rocky terrain. The light of Hagrid’s lantern reflecting off the fog actually made things worse, but he didn’t dare lose sight of his only guide.

It was a truly terrifying experience. Harry’s world essentially ended five feet away. He could see absolutely nothing beyond, and the thick mist absorbed all sound. It was like he was on a tiny fragment of land floating in a sea of red clouds. For all he knew the world actually  _ did _ end five feet away. It’s not like he’d be able to tell the difference.

He tried to catch up to Hagrid, but it proved to be a lost cause. The man’s large feet and solid base made him impervious to the terrain. All Harry’s rushed attempt to catch up got him was a short trip. He decided the ground wasn’t a very good vacation spot and decided to move a bit more carefully.

At least Hagrid was clearly trying to set a reasonable pace. With his long legs, he could have outpaced the first-years in an instant. Unfortunately, his idea of a reasonable pace was still blistering fast for a eleven-year-old.

Just as Harry was starting to lose his breath, the fog began to thin.

_ Oh, good. That’ll make things easier. Now I can- _

The ground vanished.

Without so much as a by-your-leave the path turned down sharply.  _ Very _ sharply. The previously flat - if uneven - trail became a forty degree incline between one step and the next.

Harry couldn’t hold in the startled squawk as he suddenly found himself pitching forward. Fortunately, whatever reflex that had allowed him to dodge a flying trunk was still working. Twisting around in midair, he somehow managed to get his feet back under him. He had no idea how he’d managed it, but he did. Instead of flying ass-over-teakettle down the slope, he only slid several dozen feet.

The student just behind him wasn’t nearly as lucky. He shrieked as he hit the slope (making Harry hope he hadn’t sounded so funny) and hit the turf face-first. His fall instantly turned into a roll, his pudgy form picking up speed at an alarming rate.

For just a moment, Harry considered trying to stop him. That thought quickly died as he took in the the boy’s size and speed. While not even close to Big D, the kid was definitely on the heavy side. If Harry got in his way he wouldn’t be helping anyone, just bringing his own Hogwarts career to a short and tragic end. He’d be nothing more than a sticky spot on the trail.

Harry felt bad about dodging. He really did. But he was also quite grateful for whatever it was that made it so easy. It was almost like the other boy was moving in slow motion, except he clearly wasn’t. The way the wind tugged at Harry’s robes as he went past made that clear.

Harry managed to get a very clear look at the other boy’s horrified, panic-stricken face as he shot by. Another pang of guilt shot through him.

Fortunately, the path was still littered with obstructions. A smattering of trees and rocks made sure the rolling boy couldn’t take a straight path to the bottom. Bouncing off them was probably not a good feeling, but it sure beat hitting the bottom of the trail at Mach 3. Even being turned into a human pinball was better than being splattered across the landscape. Eventually the boy got  _ really _ lucky and ended up lodged in a bush about halfway down the trail.

If you could really consider that lucky, that is.

Harry quickly skidded down the to bush in question. It took him a bit, since he was trying very hard not to become the shrubbery’s second occupant. There were probably easier routes down the trail, but he was determined to get to the bush. He may not have been able to stop the boy’s fall, but he could at least do something about this. He slowly crouched down and slid up next to the shaking greenery, carefully avoiding the boy’s flailing feet.

“Hey, calm down, okay?” He ordered. “I’m going to help you, but I can’t if you kick me in the head.”

The boy immediately stopped flailing. He peered out of the bush with obvious shock on his face. “You’re… going to help me?”

“Of course. Is it really that surprising?” Harry asked. He tried very hard to ignore the fact that all his fellow students were just passing them by without even a second glance. 

Maybe it was surprising, after all.

It took Harry several minutes to free the other boy from his bushy savior. The shrubbery’s branches had gotten wound around his limbs, their large thorns digging into his robes. Actually, they were probably digging into more than that, based on the pained hisses the boy emitted when Harry removed some of them. By the time he was finished, the last students were already passing them..

“Um… thank you very much. I’m… ah… I’m Neville Longbottom.” The boy said, hesitantly holding out a hand. “I’m very sorry you had to waste so much time helping me.”

Harry slowly took the other boy’s hand. He was pretty sure he’d never actually shaken hands with someone before. “It wasn’t a waste, Neville. I’d like to think someone would help me if that happened. They probably wouldn't, but it’s a nice thought.”

“I’d help you.” came the immediate response.

Harry smiled. “Well. I just hope you’re around if I fall, then. Actually, why don’t we help each other right now? Hang on to me, and maybe we can catch up without falling to our deaths.”

Neville nodded.

It turned out that descending the hill together was much easier than doing it alone. Neville provided Harry with a solid anchor as he picked out their path. Despite his earlier fall, the boy was extremely sure-footed. Even if he did begin to waver, Harry’s reflexes allowed him to quickly straighten them out.

Hanging on to each other, they actually managed to pass the last few students on their way down the hill.

Harry and Neville both gasped in wonder as they hit the bottom of the hill. The sides of the trail suddenly widened, giving way to a beautiful beach.

Harry had never seen anything like it before, not even on the telly. The sand along the shoreline was the purest white imaginable. It glowed softly in the moonlight. There wasn’t a single stick or stone on it to marr the view.

The beach faded into a lake that was as black as the sand was white. In the calm night there wasn’t even the slightest ripple across the water. It looked more like a massive, bottomless pit than a lake. Even just looking at the water, Harry felt like he was falling into it. It was simply amazing.

Far across the lake, a massive edifice sat on a low mountain. It was large enough to dwarf the huge hunk of stone it sat on. Given the distance and the now thin mist,it looked like nothing more than a massive silhouette looming over the lake. 

Crimson lights burned in the windows, winking and shifting like red eyes. Towers with conical roofs reached for the sky. There were sections of wall here and there, their top lit by more torches.

There was also a large group of some sort of winged creatures flying around one tower.

Harry gulped.  _ Not bats. There’s no way the dark, evil looking castle has bats flying around it.  _

Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t quite manage to convince himself. He began subtly looking around for something he could turn into a stake. A few of the branches he’d snapped off Neville had been sturdy and thick. Now he was kicking himself for not keeping one.

How was he supposed to know he’d have to defend himself against the undead?

“Absolutely smashing, wot?” Hagrid declared. “Now then, we can’t hang around for a month of Sundays. The gaffer’ll go spare if we’re late for your Sorting. In the boats, lads! Four at most!”

Harry looked at the ‘boats’ dubiously. They looked like little more than oversized washtubs. They were floating barely a few inches out of the water and seemed to b e mad primarily of splinters and rust.

He sighed. He was beginning to wonder if the Wizarding World was primarily made of sharp bits of wood, metal and glass. It was certainly starting to seem like it. Still, there wasn’t much for it. He’d have to ride in the boat if he wanted to get to the castle that was also probably made of sharp bits. 

And anyway, it didn’t really matter at this point. While not as bad off as the twins, he was already sporting quite a few splinters himself. Adding a few more to the collection wouldn’t really be a big deal. Aside from the pain, of course.

Easily hopping into the boat, he turned and helped Neville clamber in. A few moments later they were joined by a young witch.

“Alright, then. FORWARD!” Hagrid bellowed, rapping his boat with his cane. The fleet of little boats surged forward as one, darting out into the lake as one.

The trip across the lake was almost relaxing. It was a nice change from the mind-numbing horror and threat of impending physical harm that had comprised most of the journey so far. The water was as smooth as glass, not even the slightest rippled marring its surface. It was so dark and smooth that it was like traversing a massive, bottomless void.

An enormous eye opened beneath the boat. Harry gasped and jerked his fingers out of the the water. It had been so close that he could  _ feel _ the slimy surface beneath his fingers.

“Yurk!” Harry exclaimed, jerking his hand out of the water. He quickly twisted around and tore a massive splinter out of the side of the boat. The sudden movement made the small vessel rock dangerously, allowing a small amount of water to slosh over the side. Paying his suddenly wet robes no heed, Harry whipped around to look back over the side with his new harpoon raised high.

The eye was gone.

“Don’t  _ do _ that.” The girl protested. “Now my robes are all wet!”

Harry continued to search the dark water. “Well, it’s better than being eaten by some sort of cthulhuian horror, isn’t it? Because I’m pretty sure I saw tentacles, and it wouldn’t be the first time something tried to eat me. It wouldn’t even be the first time today.”

The girl immediately brightened. “Oh my. You’ve read Lovecraft?”

Harry shrugged noncommittally. The library had been one of the few places he’d been safe from Big D and his gang. Unfortunately, the librarian had been quite strict about not letting people simply loiter around with no purpose. As a result, he’d taken to reading whatever random books he happened to take off the shelf.

It was actually quite remarkable how interesting a treatise on the effects of the lunar cycle on aboriginal cooking trends could be when you knew certain doom awaited outside.

“Why, that’s quite remarkable. Lovecraft’s writing is quite advanced for children of our age. I’ve read it, of course, but I’ve always been told my reading comprehension was far beyond my age.” She rambled. “In fact, I have the entire collection at home.”

“Okay.” Harry said simply. He really wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say here.

“Oh, how silly of me! I’m Hermione Granger. And you are…?”

“I’m Harry Potter.” He answered. Pointing at Neville, he said, “This is Neville Longbottom.”

It only seemed polite to try and include the other boy in the conversation. He’d been quietly sitting there, looking slightly awkward and out of place.

“ _ You’re Harry Potter!? _ ” both Hermione and Neville exclaimed at the same time.

Harry rubbed his ears. “You know, I really hope people don’t do that every time I say my name. I think it’s probably going to get old fast.”

“I read about you in  _ Dark Lords Through the Ages _ and  _ A Brief Recount of Modern History _ . You defeated the last dark lord. You’re practically living history!” Hermione exclaimed excitedly.

“I guess.”

“What in the world do you mean, ‘I guess’? How in the world can you be so blase about accomplishing something so amazing?”

Harry sighed. “Because  _ I _ didn’t really do anything, did I? I was a baby. What could I have possibly done. Now people scream my name and try to touch me, all because I laid in a crib and managed not to die.”

“When I was a baby, I fell down the stairs and broke my gram’s favorite vase. She doesn’t blame me for it though, because I was really little and didn’t know any better. It’s kind of the same thing, right?” Neville said helpfully. He immediately regretted it when both the boat’s other occupants turned to stare at him.

“You fell down the stairs as a baby?” Hermione asked, aghast. “You could have been  _ killed _ . Wasn’t anyone watching you?”

“Well, I wasn’t really a baby. I guess I was two or so.” Neville responded. “And my Uncle Algie was watching me. I guess he got distracted and didn’t notice I was by the stairs.”

Something about the way Neville said his uncle’s name made Harry twitch.

“Well, that’s just completely irresponsible. Someone like that shouldn’t even be allowed  _ near _ a child, let alone placed in charge of them. Why, if I-” Hermione glanced over the side of the boat. A massive eye stared back from just beneath the water.

There was a high-pitched shriek and the sound of tearing wood. In an instant the girl went from sitting down to standing in the center of the boat, four foot length of splintered wood held high.

Harry examined the boat with interest. There was not a single part of it that was four feet long. How in the world did she manage to produce a makeshift harpoon of that size?

He looked at his little two foot hunk of wood sadly. It was really more of a stake than a harpoon. He was a little jealous, honestly, but at least he was prepared for vampires now.

“Big eye!” Hermione squeaked.

Harry shrugged. “Told you.”

“I… I think I just peed myself.” the girl whimpered.

“Um… Don’t worry. It’s probably just water from when Harry almost sunk us.” Neville reassured her.

There was a long pause.

“Yes…. yes, that’s definitely what it is. Definitely.”

“Ah, yeah…” Harry said slowly. “Either way, I’m pretty sure the horror from the depths is gone now. You might want to sit down.”

“No! That’s probably exactly what it’s waiting for!”

Harry really wanted to argue the point, but it  _ did _ seem like a reasonable assumption. “Well, okay. But you might want to duck a little.”

“What? Why?” Hermione asked, her eyes never leaving the dark water.

Harry shrugged. “Because we’re about to be eaten by a mountain.” he stated. He watched with trepidation as they approached a cave in the side of the mountain. The curve of the roof looked very much like the top of a mouth, and the hanging stalactites definitely gave the impression of teeth. It certainly didn’t help that there were a pair of deep depressions above the cave. They, of course, looked like dark, staring eyes.

Hermione wavered for a moment, clearly not sure whether she should be watching the water or looking back at the ominous cave. A faint ripple in the water caught her attention, making the choice for her. She had actually seen the beast in the water, after all, and had no intention of getting cozy with its tentacles.

Something about that thought made her shudder.

“Fine. Why don’t you guys watch the mountain, and I’ll watch the water. It’ll be a team effort.” she said reasonably. “Just give me some warning if something happens. I’d rather not get any more… water… on my robes.”

Harry shrugged. It seemed reasonable, but didn’t seem like it was going to do much good. The Goo had almost eaten both Fred and George, neither of whom had been descending into its gullet of their own volition. 

At this point it didn’t really matter, though. The boat was entering the cave, giving Harry no recourse but to pray to every god he’d ever heard of. He was really glad he’d read all those books. Surely one of the eighty-seven would be willing to help.


End file.
